Chapter 1
The icy chill of the crystal vial in my hands slowly begins to warm as I delicately hand the ladle containing the Heritage Potion I had just finished making for a young couple. The shimmering crimson liquid is still scalding hot from the cauldron and I almost wished I had worn my gloves before handling the potion into the three vials lying on the old, but stable wooden table that I used mainly for my healing studies and for potion making. Placing the ladle back into the cauldron, I cork the first of the three vials and sigh.
The sun has barely risen above the horizon, I realize as I glance at the tiny window. The chill in the small chambers, that I found hidden away by a tiny passageway, is biting cold; the pre-winter cold seeps deep into my skin and I let a small smile grace my face. Moving to grasp the second vial as I set the first down onto a small rack I kept close to the wall, I reminisce the times from extremely distant times where I did not have to hide my talents nor forced to study in this tiny room where no one could chance upon my large collection of healing and defensive magick tomes.
As I seal the second vial and prepare to begin the third, I hesitate. Father will not be able to find out if I took the potion, yet his disquieting dark eyes when he ordered me to not test the potion on myself brings a terrifying sharp grasp to my heart. He must know something and he obviously did not want anyone to learn of it. Frowning at the dilemma, I begin to fill the third vial.
Placing the ladle into the empty cauldron, I leave the vial open as I make my final decision. This vial is the only chance I could truly find out what Father has been hiding from me all these years. It didn't take much to see that I look almost nothing like either Father or Mother before she passed away. I reach other to a small desk beside the table and pull out a small knife. Slicing the edge of my forefinger, I allow the two drops of blood to fall into the last, unopened vial. The vial glows briefly and I as I wait for the potion to analyze the magic and properties inside my blood, I continue my previous wondering about my place inside the Royal Family of the Realm, Escya.
Even when I had only been a small child, barely seven years of age, I knew something was different with me. Neither the King or Queen had my fiery, crimson hair nor the straightness that my locks took. While Mother did have green eyes like my own, mine were odd. They were an unnatural shade of green that almost looked brown and I always believed that they weren't meant to be that color at all. I was also much thinner than even Mother. I barely have reached past five feet and my weight had always been a bit below what my height dictated, giving me a very delicate look that my brother, Laurentius, likes to tease me mercilessly especially when I struggle with the warrior arts.
The potion finishes and I watch as the potion turns a light gold before slowly rising out of the vial and into the air. Frustrated with its slow pace, I watch as it begins to form the ancestral tree starting from the top. I frown as I recognize that none of the names that are showing up are from the Royal Family Tree. But it isn't until it reaches my name Tampeesa, that I realize what I was seeing. Hovering over my name was King Malik and Queen Sesi Ragnar.
Blinking off my confusion, my first thought is that it wasn't a surprise at all. So I am not even from Escya which made sense. No citizen of the Realm looks remotely like myself. I struggle to remember where I know those names and it takes a while to recall the memory under a painful memory of when Father had found me reading about the Cheruzal. The King and Queen of the Realm, Timeless Province. I belong to the Cheruzal, the most hated foe of the Escyan Race. Taking a deep breath to steady my thoughts, I decide that I no longer desired to stay in this Realm, especially with the man, whom I both hated and feared more than anyone else. The one who took me from my own Realm, but held no love for me after Mother had passed.
I grab the two remaining vials and head out of the chamber. With one last glance behind me, I watch has the third vial shatters into dust, erasing all evidence of my discovery. As I enter my bed chambers to the loud pounding on the door of my brother, I hide away my treasonous decision as well as my emotions, smoothing my face into a blank mask as I open the door to face the man I called Father and King.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
uyguyfkyfyjtduyd bug me if i dont read this soon e.e
Hi Soulkana!
Happy review day!
Once I saw that you had posted the first chapter to your novel I knew I needed to check it out :3 And I am so glad you did, and am already looking forward to more. You've made the main character seem like an intriguing person. Already you fill us in on how her true identity has been held back from her for so long and that she has discovered who she really is. It was interesting to see her immediate reaction to this and for a first chapter, you've already given us a lot of information but not too much at all. And you've set the scene for future chapters as well. I liked how the potion worked and the way you described it. It was so easy to imagine it as it happened, and the descriptions in this, especially at the beginning was so well done. So glad to have read it!
I did see a couple of things I wondered about as I kept on reading this though. Firstly, I wanted to know why the King and Queen of this realm hated her kind so much? I do think this is something for the future chapters, but I think she should at least wonder why they bothered treating her as their own when they hate her kind, right? I couldn't help but wonder what they were doing in that case as well, and it surprised me that she sort of brushed over it and didn't think about the reason why.
Another thing I noticed is that because this is first person point of view, we don't have a name of a main character here, and it's a bit off knowing a main character and not knowing their name yet. So that really is something you should try to weave into this first chapter sometime. Names are important.
Did I mention how much I love the title? Arctic Flower... it sounds so beautiful and I can't wait to see how it ties in with everything else. ^.^
I couldn't help but wonder why her father even left her with this potion in the first place if he knows she could discover everything by using it. If I were him I would monitor her in the room, or even get someone else to do whatever he asked of her to instead. It's the only logical thing to do, and unless you can provide a reason as to why she ends up left alone in a room with all the potions, it makes this seem a bit of a silly situation. Too convenient for the plot to move forward with. I need to know the reason as to why she finds herself in this situation so it can be something more realistic and believable!
Also, for a first chapter the sight of no dialogue is a bit unappealing. I think you could easily slip some in here somewhere, even if it is just to make reading this a bit easier on the eyes. For example, when you mention her brother pounding on the door I am sure he is shouting things along with the action, which we could be allowed to hear. Or maybe instead of telling us that her father told her not to test the potions on herself you could flash back to the moment when he actually tells her this and start the story from there - so then we get some more dialogue in there as well.
As for the descriptions here, I think you did an awesome job of describing the things you chose to! And while you did describe anything that paired with her movements, I felt like we didn't see enough of the actual setting? Seeing as we are talking about Kings and Queens here, I am assuming that they are in a palace of some sort. Well then, describe what it looks like on the inside so we can see how lavish and lush it is! I am also taking that she is in some kind of room dedicated to her potion making at the beginning... so what would a room like that need to have in there, and how would it appear? I wanted some more descriptions of the actual surroundings.
When it comes to your writing style I can see that you have a lot of... little words in sentences. Like 'as' 'had' 'I' 'the' all in sentences which makes the flow sound a bit off and hard to find a rhythm to your writing. The best thing you can do is try to rephrase sentences so that they run smoother when you say them. The key way to catch this out is to read your chapters aloud once you write them. If things sound choppy and you have to keep pausing as you speak it needs rephrasing. I am going to help you with some examples down below when we move onto the technical part of the review. But otherwise, I have no more plot comments.
Technical issues time!
Because we are trying to lower down the amount of small words you would have in these sentences, I would strongly advise you making all the I had's into I'd instead. These were two examples that I pulled out but there were others in there I just didn't pull out.
Would you handle a potion into vials or is 'putting' and 'pouring' a more appropriate use of words?
Why is she sighing after having done this? Is she pleased that she has finished one, or is she thinking about something that is plaguing her mind? Remember us readers always want reasoning for certain actions.
This sounded awkwardly phrased. I would redo the sentence to make it read as 'I realize the sun has barely risen above the horizon as I glance at the tiny window.'
Repetition of words is always something to try and avoid when it comes to writing. I didn't like how close 'cold' was repeated, but I can't see a way of using a different word. But you could something which is justifying why you have repeated the word, by giving more of an explanation as to why it is cold. Which would mean changing the second sentence to: the kind of pre-winter cold that seeps deep into my skin. I hope my reasoning there just made sense.
You're slipping into past tense here with the word 'kept'. Should be keep
Comma needed after the word 'mercilessly'.
I feel like the repetition here is unnecessary as well. You could refer to the potion as it for the second time because we know what you are referring to.
But there needs to be more thoughts as well! Yes, maybe it is a surprise, but shouldn't it hurt to know you have been lied to for so long? I feel like she takes the news way to easy. She should feel sad, or angry, or worried or maybe all of them at once, interchanging with each other. Ultimately, I think she should also be feeling confused. I mean, these are people who don't even like her kind, so why did they choose to keep her and keep it a secret? Why did her true parents never come back for her? I want to see some of these emotions running through her. She seems so unpanicked by the whole ordeal.
Yes, I just made up the word unpanickedLook should be 'looks.'
We have some close repetition here. I am not sure what you meant, so finding a replacement word or way to change this is up to you ^.^
You're slipping into past tense again with 'desired', 'hated' and 'feared'. Make sure those change. Oh, and when she talks about her father before this I don't get the impression that she hated or was scared of him. When she is talking about him you need to bring that message across stronger. Also, she decides she is going to leave but isn't there anything she will miss. Her bothers and sisters, even though they might not be innocent? A good friend of hers, the way she lived and grew up here? I am sure there is something she will feel nostalgic about leaving, and if there is we want to see it so we can know what a struggle this decision is for her. Raising the stakes makes everything more meaningful.
I think you meant 'as' instead of 'has'.
Anyways, this was a good start and you have me intrigued as to whatever might happen next. Make sure you let me know on my wall or something whenever you post more so I can keep on reading, Soulkana
Deanie x
Dear Author,
I must admit, I would buy this book when you finish it. I mean of course there are some spelling and grammar checks, but I am not going to point them out. If you want to fix them than run, it through a spell check. I am in love with this piece, I mean, it brings back some memories of stories my father would read to me. I can't wait for the next chapter to be posted. I will be following it extremely closely.
Forever Be Honest ~The Truth