Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Trinique hurries to her economics class half way across town. Her tired feet beat the pavement as she pushes through the crowds of college students that are just standing around with nothing better to do. These people get on my nerves and if I didn't need a better education to show my no good father that I am worth something. I would go back to being a stripper and be making more than these professors here. She grumbles. I need a freaking car. She enters the building and find her classroom, she enters to find the professor had already started teaching.
Mr. Branch turns around and eyes Trinique, "Ahh, Miss. Trinique. Glad of you to finally join us.""Yes, I was getting my nails done. Must have ran overtime, sir," Trinique bites back as she takes her usual seat in the middle of the classroom.A small titter arises from some of the females in the classroom.
Mr. Branch sighs and turns back to the board and starts teaching again. Trinique pulls herself together, I hate being put on the spot for being late. As if I am late all the freaking time, psh. He can kiss it. She pulls out her books and begins to make notes about what is being taught. Once 2:35pm hit, Trinique is the first one out of the classroom.Trinique treads across the campus to get to her dorm, which is a small college townhouse just across the street from the college. She unlocks the door and steps in, closing the door behind her.
She sets her book bag down on the kitchen table and looks in the frig for a snack.
Ugh, it's Amberle's turn to buy groceries. I am going to have to kick her ass out if she can't help with food. Trinique grabs some milk and the frosted flake box and makes herself some cereal. While eating she goes to the balcony and watches some students walk to a café, she hears some commotion on the left side and she stares that way.
Taking a big bite of cereal, she notices a large group of people gathering around a car. She sets her half empty bowl on the edge and tries to get a closer look at the car. But she could not see the car, there are too many people around it and she didn’t want to fall over the balcony. She waits patiently for the crowd around the car to die down, but by 3:36pm the crowd had not died down, but instead picked up.Giving up. Trinique goes to the kitchen table and starts on the homework she has.
A few minutes later, her roomie Amberle comes bursting in the house causing Trinique to flinch and make a mark on her sheet of paper with her pen. Son of a....
"Trina, did you see that banging ass car that's across the street?" Amberle asks loudly for no reason.
"I couldn’t get a good look at it. There were too many people around it," Trinique responds a little salty.
"Oh... well. I can take you down there to see it." Amberle offers with a sincere smile.Trinique looks back at her and her whole face is glowing.
"What's wrong with you?" Trinique asks not use to seeing Amberle this happy before."Nothing. I just...I don't know. So, you want to see the car or what?" She asks unwrapping her scarf from around her neck.
"I don't think I should." Trinique murmurs looking at her homework spread out on the table. “I have got a lot of homework to do.”
"Come on. It will only take a few minutes."If Trinique did not know any better, she would think the only reason why Amberle would want to go down there would be for all the guys that's down there around that car and in the bars.
Trinique shrugs her shoulders, "Sure. Whatever."
Amberle squeals with excitement as Trinique grabs her jacket for the chilly February night and they both walk down the street to the bar where the car is sitting. Trinique marvels at the car as she circles the car. Some of the guys begin to eye Trinique curiously.
"Wow... it's been a while since I have seen one of these bad boys." Trinique exclaims, her cheeks flush and her heart begins to race.
"What is it, Trin?" Amberle asks looking at the car and trying to figure out how Trinique can tell what type of car it is.
"This is a Jaguar XJS. The year kind of stumps me a little." Trinique admits.
"1977," a husky voice answers for Trinique.Trinique turns around and is taken aback by a brown skin brother with beady ash-grey eyes, he is bald and stands at 5 feet 10 inches.
He approaches Trinique, "A girl that knows her cars."Trinique nods then finds her voice, "My father used to own a garage."
"That's sexy as fuck. I’m Deqavious Sullivan, what's your name ma?""Does my name even matter to you?" Trinique sasses. A few ooh's spread across the guys behind him.
Deqavious chuckles, "Of course it does, lil mama. Just in case I can find out who to go to if I need more expertise on my car."Trinique feels an elbow in her side and turns to Amberle.
Amberle growls, "Stop being so rude and tell the sexy man your name."
Trinique sighs and rolls her eyes to Deqavious, "Trinique. Trin for short."
"That is sexy as fuck, ma. I mean Trinique."
"Yeah, I guess so." She mumbles back. "Well, I have homework to get done and some projects as well."
"Well, can I get your number to take you out sometime?" He asks Trinique as he is taking out a small notepad and a pen, he hands it to her.
Amberle nudges her again. She takes it with an annoyed sigh and write her name and number down on it and gives it back to Deqavious.
"Cool. I will call you later on tonight or in the morning." He says.
"Yeah, okay." Trinique walks with Amberle back to the house.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
The narration seems rather stilted and it's confusing because the main character's thoughts are not differentiated from the narration in any way. Maybe try italics? The last sentence is awkwardly repetitive. Instead of, 'She enters the building and finds..., she enters to find...'; try, 'She enters the building and hurries to her classroom, only to find...'
Here, the dialogue is squashed together, causing for confusion. Maybe leave a space in between the dialogue of the two characters so it becomes:
Mr. Branch turns around and eyes Trinique, "Ahh, Miss. Trinique. Glad you to finally join us."
"Yes, I was getting my nails done. Must have ran overtime, sir," Trinique bites back as she takes her usual seat in the middle of the classroom.
Again, the problem of being unable to differentiate thoughts and narration. Also, inputting the time like that is rather weird, because the reader has no way to count the passing of time. Two words might be a whole day while a paragraph could happen in a matter of seconds.
Same complaints as above, no differentiation, stilted and awkwardly specific narration...
Now, it's this dialogue that kinda annoys me, because it is, as the nitpicker would say, "stereotypically black". Although a lot of African-Americans do speak in such manner, it's almost derogatory to a nitpicker.
Other than that, the story is quite alright, although I do put slight bias against this story in this review as this isn't really my thing. Hope this helps.
Thank you.
Hi there! It was a nice read. I would like to start off with the good stuff.
# The plot exposition is well-written. Each sentence is bent on to manifest Trinique's actions from the genesis of the story till the end. These lines do not reveal the plot that much but stirs the curiosity of the reader.
# "Late Meeting" is a bit convoluted title for this story, Thus completing your work
#The instances in the classroom can explain the character of Trininque very well. The quick shift from the classroom scene to the dorm scene can be marginally refreshing to the readers.
#Proper usage of story extenders(in a good way) can be seen.
#The following scenes are couthy and good.
Suggestions:
1) Narration should be discriminated from the protagonists lines for more clarity. Narration can be written between any special characters.
2) Multiple quotes in some lines should be corrected.
3)I sort of get a feeling that there's no connection between her late arrival to the classroom and the ending. Maybe I did not see from your perspective .
4) Complexity of the story can be increased. Remember, Complexity is directly proportional to Clarity
You have a beguile-style kind of writing,
It was a very a good read. I enjoyed it.
Waiting for your next work
Keep writing!
you write well. but make use of your cliches properly.
the style of your writing is very poor, when you improve on it you will be the best among the writers.
writing is sweet....
So, you do know that people have different styles of writing right? So, not every style is the same. I found what works for me and if you are mad all because of what I said about your book, then you need to get off here.
But thanks for the comment, I know better, though.