Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Gun to my head, I want to be dead
Rid of the lies rid of the fucking pain
Never knew love was like this before I came
You never loved me looking into your eyes not knowing it was all lies.
Everything I lived for I lived for you but now your lies had shined through
The lie that we would be to together forever.
You looked me in my eyes and told me that sweet lie.
Now blood is everywhere
Standing over your body, blood racing down the street.
Sorry my love but, you only were a treat.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hey there Soulfulwriter, Edel here for a review!
I really like this a lot, maybe mainly because I can relate to it so much. It's very powerful and expressive, but I think some lines could be even better if for example in-
"Never knew love was like this before I came"
I think it would make more since if "I" was you.
In "Everthing I lived for I lived for you but know your lies had shined through"
Possible change "had" to have.
Other than that I think this is a very touching piece and I hope to see more from you in the near future! Good luck and keep on keeping on.
-Edelweiss-
Hey there Soulfulwriter, Edel here for a review!
I really like this a lot, maybe mainly because I can relate to it so much. It's very powerful and expressive, but I think some lines could be even better if for example in-
"Never knew love was like this before I came"
I think it would make more since if "I" was you.
In "Everthing I lived for I lived for you but know your lies had shined through"
Possible change "had" to have.
Other than that I think this is a very touching piece and I hope to see more from you in the near future! Good luck and keep on keeping on.
-Edelweiss-
Hello, hello, gxldencrxwns here for a review.
I think this is the first poem I've read that has cussing in it, so that's a first. You can feel the anger and emotions through the words, every piece of writing needs that.
But, like every piece of writing, there are some mistakes. On the last sentence, it could go better without 'but.' As well as:
You never loved me but Looking into your eyes not knowing it was all lies.
Put a comma after but, and make sure looking isn't capitalized.
Rid of the lies rid of the fucking pain
Replace of with and.
Everything I lived for I lived for you but now your lies had shined through
Comma after for, and a comma after you.
Other than that, nice job!
~gxldencrxwns
Hello, just wanted to say interesting poem! It was intense and I could feel the anger , see the crimson red blood all in my head.
Just some pointers about the delivery.
Watch the caps! ( I get pointed out for this alot too )
And punctuation and comas can confuse the reader on how the rhythm and flow of the poem should go so careful like in the last line I believe it should be worded "sorry my love, but you were only a treat"