Published January 2, 2013
The stairs in front of Eli led to a second floor with arcade games lining the walls. The sunlight streamed through the high windows. To the left of him was a counter where popcorn and drinks were bought. The smell of butter and salt was strong. A bored looking theater employee swept up trash near the bathrooms. Just a normal day at the theater, Eli thought. A group of people walked through the front doors and turned to the ticket counter. Eli checked his wallet and found that he still had ten dollars. He decided to get another drink then head to his baseball game. He didn’t know it but he would never make to the game.
_______________
A man walked into the theatre lobby after a few teenage girls, and headed to the ticket counter. There was a long line and it wasn’t moving very quickly. He looked angry and in a hurry. He shoved aside a beefy man at the front of the line and slid a couple crumpled bills under the slot in the glass. “Ticket to ‘Knight’s Flight’” he said gruffly
The man he had shoved aside was starting to rant and rave, before being silenced by a glare from the big man. He was quite intimidating. He wore a black overcoat, worn out cargo pants and combat boots. His face was daunting. Scars were littered across his cheeks; a long white one went from his eyebrow to his nose. His eyes were a piercing electric blue. He was bald, but had a black goatee surrounding his mouth. The lady working the ticket counter smiled at the man then said
“Sir you are going to have to wait like everyone else. The end of the line is that way”
She pointed to the last person in line then tried to talk to the man that had just been shoved aside. He was pushed aside again by the other man and spoke softly with an angry tone.
“Just give me a ticket or lots of people will suffer because of you decision”
“I’m not afraid of you” She retorted.
She wouldn’t be so arrogant if she didn’t have bullet proof glass in front of her face, the man thought as he walked away to a nearby bench. She had chosen hers and the rest of the people’s fates. He popped out a flip phone and dialed three numbers.
After several seconds a deafening boom resounded and black smoke leaked into the lobby. The man smiled drawing a handgun.
It didn’t have to be this way, but he always got what he wanted. Other men with guns were taking people hostage, jostling the rest into the back of the building.
“So it begins” he whispered, then laughed manically.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Hey Soul!
First of all,welcome to YMS!I hope you have a pleasant experience here.If you need any help with something you could ask me or the moderators(green colored username).
Your story was interesting but it needed something.You could have described the scenes more in depth.For example:
"A group of people walked through the door and turned to the counter".
You could have described the group.Were they boys or girls?Were they kids,teens or adults?What was the color of their shirt?This will make lines in your chapter longer(but try to avoid repeating description).Also,describe Eli so your readers could imagine what he looks like(assumig he's the main character)
Try to elaborate your story more.The more the readers read your work the more they will like it.And remember,there has to be a comma at the end of every dialogue.
Other than that,your story was great and Im looking forward for the rest of the story
aaradhia-
This is a very thrilling and face pasted story you've written. But if something is too fast paced, you are going to bore the reader because everything will be of the same level of intensity. Slow down and give the reader time to build in anticipation. I also suggest telling us more about the boy in the first paragraph. You went over it so quickly that I hardly had the time to get to know him. Your word choices were very entertaining and you have no problem with description. Your dialogue was realistic as well. Just SLOW DOWN! I want to read more of this. Happy Writing!
I've always like descriptive writing, I dig the description and the darkness I get from this. It will need to stay like that if continued. Keep it up, man.
This is a very dramatic piece of writing. It is very hard-hitting and riddled with hooks to snag the reader. There is only one small problem, if you continue, I think you have to keep the action fast-paced or you'll lose the story's appeal. Great piece and well done.
Peregrine xx