Published April 10, 2010
Hello YWS, this is just a short description from the new book I'm writing. Sorry, I didn't want to give too much away just yet... 
She stood there, sweating in the sweltering heat, dabbing her moist forehead with the sleeve of her ruby floral dress. Her ebony black hair was slightly ruffled by the delicate humid wind and the aquamarine ocean pools of her eyes twinkled like flawless jewels. I took a hasty step towards her and placed my hand cautiously under her chin. I did not want to handle her with heavy hands for I feared that her beautiful features would crumble between my fingertips. She smiled distinctly and radiantly and a gush of pleasure came to life within me. I held her with such force, afraid that she would slip away into the dark night. Everything about her was faultless. Her silky hair, her discretely sqaure and muscular jaw line. And then she spoke and her voice flowed beguilingly like milk and honey...
"Hey," she purred in her velvety, silvertongued voice...
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
When I read this, I feel like I'm drowning. Don't take that in a bad way - no, all right, take it in a constructive-criticism way. You've got the basics right, and that's a start: your grammar is fine, your spelling, mostly, correct. Your sentence structures and lengths are varied, though you might want to think about starting in different ways. No, what you really need to work on is your description.
You could probabaly take out 90% of all the descriptive language here and still have a hugely descriptive paragraph. You need to remember that, whilst it's important to set out an image for your reader to go by, your readers are also going to want to read the story at some point. They're going to want to know what the characters are thinking, not just what they're wearing. Adjectives work best in moderation, trust me, or your audience won't pay attention to the important ones. Use them when they matter. A lot of your adjectives seem to echo what the last one has said - "ebony black hair"? Also, remember that an adjective is not the only wa of describing something. It just seems at the moment as though you've written a passage and then added several adjectives before each noun to make it twice as long.
The next thing I'll say is: stop trying to idealise things. Despite the overkill on adjectives, you do have a lovely writing style, and what you need to think about is which adjectives you're going to use. Now, words like "ruby" and "aquamarine" sound very nice, but my guess would be that her dress is red and her eyes are blue. Her dress is not a precious gem, and describing it as one is a lazy way of trying to sound perceptive, which actually tells us nothing except that it is red. Think of what the dress is really like. Describe it. Secondly, remember that you're writing about a real person. This man is in love with her - why? What sets her apart from other women? Is it her aquamarine eyes, or is it the sparkle of her personality within them? Is she a cardboard cutout of the ideal woman, or does she have physical and character flaws which make him love her even more? You really need to think about this, because at the moment it feels like a sweet shop rather than a piece of writing.
I'm afraid I am a shamelessly evil reviewer, and let me tell you that I do think you have obvious enthusiasm and talent for writing, but if you can get comments like these and improve your writing with them, then it'll get better. These are important things to fix, and if you can do that (and believe me, most of the world can't) then you really could be a great writer.
Hi Sophie - me again! I really like this, your style seems to fit romance, although I don't think you should use more than one adjective for each word you use, e.g. 'the delicate, humid wind'. This description really evoked an image for me. I'll definitely keep an eye out for more of your stuff.
Sophie