Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Action / Adventure

18+ Language

The Girl in a Red Hoodie

by SophieSaysWriting


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Being jerked backward without prior warning isn’t a pleasant feeling, especially when you’re in a city. The pure dread that someone is trying to take you becomes the one and only thought that invades your mind, forcing every ounce of reason from you. The world slows, and the only noise is the beating of your accelerating heart.

The sudden stop of forwards motion throwing you off balance, forcing you to stumble into the arms of the attacker. “You clumsy fool!” It was such a strange thing to be said in this situation I just froze, the person who had pulled me forcibly off balance was insulting me? “I swear you just tried to get both of us killed, and with no consideration to those around you just walking around with no regard for others, ignoring the fact that someone could have gotten hurt, and oh my gosh you’re just standing there like a complete moron!”

Good impressions aren’t everything of course, in fact, many first impressions don’t give you a decent perspective of who a person really is, but most people have the decency to say hello before accusing the other of attempt at murder. Her blond hair framing her flushed face. A scowl cruel enough to make my grandfather turn in his grave was flashing in my direction, the complete and utter randomness of everything was just insane.

“I’m sorry what?” Was all I could manage, so much for human decorum. With a clearly infuriated huff and an aggressive thrust to my chest, she pushed me aside as she walked up to the building she had stopped us next to.

“This could have killed you.” The blunt delivery of such an intense statement is strangely terrifying, mainly because she was now waving a dart that just moments before she had yanked from bricks, which it had pierced as though they were wood. A silent, and none incriminating weapon, whoever the hell this was, she had actually just saved my life…

“Just watch where you go, and maybe you won’t die.” The accusation in her voice was so umbrage.

“I’m sorry, was I supposed to know I was being shot at?!” My confusion was quickly turning to anger and frustration, who was this person to come at me, acting like being shot at was normal, and should always be watched out for? She was making it seem as though I had intentionally walked into it. “Who the hell are you anyway?”

“The person who just saved your fucking life, you’re welcome.” The hate mixed with sarcasm in her voice was positively radiating from her, and without so much as another indignant breath in my direction, she abruptly turned and started to walk.

“Hey! Wait, you can’t just do this and, and then just walk away. I mean, come back!” The streets were quickly becoming more crowded, or maybe I just hadn’t noticed it until now. I could just make out the bright red hoodie she wore to ward of the last of chill of spring, disappearing into the stream of New Yorkers the colors blended, and as quickly as it had happened, she was gone. No name, no number, and no explanation as to why and how she had known there was a dart coming in my direction. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 315
Reviews: 8

Donate
Tue Nov 14, 2017 4:27 am
Koitsubaki wrote a review...



Hi SophieSaysWriting! It's Koitsubaki here!

It's been a while since I read flash fiction. There's something that I like very much about this story, so let's get straight to it!

Outline:
+ A grabbing opening paragraph with a worldly and intellectual tone that pervades the entire story
- Run-ons and sentence fragments
- ‎Very lacking in context

+ First, I'd like to talk about the opening paragraph, because it was a strong way to catch my attention and slide into the main story. It feels a little like H.P. Lovecraft's opening paragraphs. Like his, it starts off expository, stating some truth of life, then gets very deep into the details of this truth of life, which also happens to be what the main character experienced. That's then the segue into the main story.

I'm not sure if a lot of other people feel the same way about this, but I personally love this kind of intellectual writing style and tone. I love it when I find characters or writers that can be as smart as I am owo

Fortunately, this tone is present all throughout the story. I love in particular the second sentence of the fifth paragraph. In one long sentence, it smoothly transitions from the quality of the hooded girl's response, the inner feelings of the narrator in response to that, the presence of the dart, until it reveals how powerful that dart actually was, all while describing in ways that are concise, yet easy to imagine. It's just so packed with information! It takes a certain level of literacy to be able to pull off long, dense sentences like this.

- Sadly, the intellectual appearance falls apart when the run-ons and sentence fragments are noticed. For example, right after the strong first paragraph, the first sentence of the second paragraph has an incomplete thought. So does the second sentence of the third paragraph.

A single fart can ruin a thousand sermons, you know.

- The biggest, most glaring flaw of this story is its lack in context. So many basic questions have been left unanswered. Who is this girl, and why is she so rude? Why was there a killer dart fired in the middle of a crowded street, and why was it fired at the narrator specifically? What time was it of the day? All these build up to the most important question for this story: what am I supposed to take away from this story? I guess we could say that you can meet good people in the strangest ways, but with the way the story conveys this, it's so vague and hardly applicable in real life. It also would have helped if at least some details were left to help me speculate.

With this story, I felt like I ate a very delicious appetizer, but I didn't get any of the expected main course or dessert. It feels like a mere excerpt cut off from a greater story. It left me a bit dissatisfied.

Those are my points for this story. Despite the flaws I mentioned, the writing style you employed bought so much goodwill from me. I'll give it my like for that. I think you have potential for that, and I look forward to seeing more of your works.

That's all from me. がんばってねー!
~恋椿




User avatar
58 Reviews


Points: 199
Reviews: 58

Donate
Mon Nov 13, 2017 5:50 pm
IzzyIsHappy wrote a review...



Izzy here for a review!
I really enjoyed this story!
I am really bad at grammar myself, so I will go on to say what I like and didn't like about this work.

I like that this story could be expanded more or you could tell the story further.

The language was a little weird, and maybe use more dialogue next time?

Overall the story was good, and I really liked how you pulled me in with that first line.




User avatar
841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Mon Nov 13, 2017 6:17 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing. Reminds me of the time I saved this woman from getting hit by a speeding car and she looked at me as if she had just seen the Devil. But that was far more obvious than what you describe since the car that was about to hit her sped past inches from her immediately after I had warned her to watch her step. Why she was rabidly angry at me for that I guess I will never know. However, I can understand why the man in the story is angry at the girl in the red hoodie since her attitude is rather insultingly aggressive.


About the style of the story itself. I didn't have trouble following along at all.

I don't understand why the girl accuses him of almost getting her killed as well. That needs clarification. Just some punctuations that need to be fixed.

Also the word umbrage seemed quaint.

All in all it is a very interesting and well-written story.

Suggestions:

I just hadn’t noticed it until [then].

"....froze[.] [T]he person who had pulled me forcibly off balance was insulting me?"

"....disappearing into the stream of New Yorkers[.] [T]he colors blended, and as quickly as it had happened, she was gone."




User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 133
Reviews: 45

Donate
Sun Nov 12, 2017 1:04 pm
Pentavalence wrote a review...



Hi, Pentavalence here. I haven't done a review in quite awhile, so forgive me if I'm a bit rusty.

So first of all, this was definitely an intriguing short story. I could see it being expanded or being kept as is. I liked the ambiguous ending that left more questions than I had at the start. That said, here are some things you could improve upon.

The dialogue was awkward, especially from the girl in the hoodie. “You clumsy fool!” sounds rather archaic, but "and oh my gosh you’re just standing there like a complete moron!” is a much more modern way of speaking.

While we're on it, "oh my gosh" is a softer term than "fucking", which the girl in the red hoodie uses later. I would expect someone who curses to use "g-d" instead of "gosh". "oh my gosh" sounds like an eight-year-old is speaking.

The other thing that irked me was the narration style. At the beginning the narrator addresses the reader directly ("you") and then makes the jump into first person narrative in the same paragraph. The switch itself is fine, but I would break up the paragraph.

Also, with this line: "Good impressions aren’t everything of course, in fact, many first impressions don’t give you a decent perspective of who a person really is, but most people have the decency to say hello before accusing the other of attempt at murder.", the narrative switches back to talking to the reader.

I would change this line to "I knew good impressions weren’t everything, of course. In fact, most first impressions didn't give me a decent perspective of who a person really was. But at least most people have the decency to say hello before accusing the other of attempt at murder."

See the difference?

Anyway, those are my suggestions. Take 'em or leave 'em. This piece is pretty good, but I think it could be great with some editing.

--Pen






Thanks, I know I need to work on my dialogue, your suggestions helped a lot!



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 76
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sun Nov 12, 2017 3:38 am
SergeantRosie wrote a review...



Hello, time for a review!
Before I begin, I want to say that this story shows some promise! The descriptions you used were very good and the situation you were describing had an aura of mystery to it. I would have liked to heard more about who shot at the character and how that blonde girl knew about the attack.

First off, the format you used was a bit strange as it doesn't follow the typical "story" format with a beginning, middle, and end. It felt more like an incomplete scene or thought more than a short story. I believe you could have made this a bit longer to give the reader some idea of what was going on, or some characterization of the main character. I honestly had no idea the main character was being shot at until it was directly stated. Make sure to make it clear what the reader is supposed to be picturing.

Another thing: the dialogue in this story sounded almost too formal and offered little to create an image of personality.
For example, "You clumsy fool!" sounds almost too forced and unnatural. It felt like something an angry, British king would shout instead of a pedestrian in New York City. It could be changed to something like: "You idiot!", "What did you think you were doing?" or "You moron!" It has the same effect but has more realistic wording.
There was also some issues with run on sentences within the dialogue. This happened a few times throughout the story, so I won't mention them all.

“I swear you just tried to get both of us killed, and with no consideration to those around you just walking around with no regard for others, ignoring the fact that someone could have gotten hurt, and oh my gosh you’re just standing there like a complete moron!”

Get rid of those commas and replace them with periods. And perhaps change some of the wording to make it more natural sounding. The trick with this is to make the wording more concise.
For example:
"Look at you, just waltzing around with no care in the world about anyone's safety besides your own. You must be proud." Says a lot more in a short amount of words, and gives a bit more insight to the character's annoyance and sarcasm without having to directly state it.

I know I sound a bit critical, but I did enjoy reading this short excerpt. I hope you write more about this story, I'm intrigued as to what is going on.
Keep writing! :)





I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.
— Orson Welles