Love, a beautiful concept I once adore,
A part of me now gone.
I told myself is it because I was not
Really meant to love?
It felt so sad how I received liars
And none who stayed true.
I question, why have I been suffering,
When I can choose not to.
I found the answer, in a twisted feel,
In a tear, a tear,
It's because I was made to feel
a sad, unreturned and unrequited
Unrequited...
Unrequited Love.
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Hello! I'm going to make a few comments as I read through and then give you my general thoughts at the end
The phrasing here seems a bit odd as 'told' is a certainty but 'is it' is more questioning. I wonder if this should be 'I asked myself' instead?1.
2. I think this line could be stronger. I like 'twisted' but I'm not sure feel is the right word. I'd actually suggest it might be a good moment to go a little vague and aim for imagery over context. At the moment a lot of this poem is emotional and that's good, but a reader can't visualise an emotion. If you give them an image like 'a twisted box' or 'a twisted page' then it makes the poem stand out a bit more.
3. I'm not sure about the repetition at the end, it may be more interesting if you used words that mean unrequited but have a slightly different sound each time. You could use a thesaurus to see if there are any words you like.
Overall
This is a raw and powerful poem! I think it could be more visually interesting but you have strong emotions and it's a very relate-able piece so good work!
Let me know if you have any questions about the review.
Keep writing!
Heather
I liked the emotion and feeling of the piece, but there's some conventional errors that distracted me a bit. I had to reread the third and fourth lines several times to understand what you were trying to say, and even then, I'm not sure I got it. If you're trying to say "I asked myself, 'Is it because I was not really meant to love?" then I would reword it like that or similarly. If you're going for "I told myself it is because I was not really meant to love" then obviously the question mark needs to go, and you should rephrase the rest of the line slightly.
With the line "It felt so sad how I received liars": I'm not sure why it irks me, but for some reason, it does. I suggest rephrasing the first part of the line, changing "It felt so sad" to something along the lines of "It was so sad".
Other than that, I loved the repetition of "unrequited" at the end. Other than the points I've listed here, a strong, emotional piece.
'Ello, it's Cello here to review!
Let me start by saying welcome! I hope you enjoy your time here at YWS!
Because it works best for me, I'm going to go through by chunks as I edit. (Also, I notice that some of the points i plan to make have already been mentioned but I have chosen to repeat the suggestion just with more explanation as to why the edits are important)
Mahvash it right on this. 'Adore' needs to be changed to 'adored'. You're writing about how you no longer adore love so your adoration was in the past, therefore you need to write in the past tense. 'Adore' is present tense and 'adored' is past.
I'm not sure exactaly what you were going for here. There are two options.
'I asked myself 'Is it because I was not really meant to love?'
or
'I told myself it was because I was not really meant to love."
If you're looking to write the first line then take Belladonna's edit. If you're going for the second line you need to make sure you change 'is' to 'was' and remove the question mark, replacing it with a period.
'received liars'? Receiving lies is one thing but receiving liars is another. Maybe you're 'meeting liars' as in meeting people who lie or maybe you're 'receiving lies' as in being told lies. Additionally, you're not talking about the means in which you met liars/received lies, you're talking about how the action made you sad, so either way 'how' should be 'that'.
Now, with you current choice to use the word 'liars', your next line is redundant. Liars and people who don't stay true fall very closely under the same category. If you're aiming to add more description with this line then that's fine, but you need to approach it in a different way. 'Those who didn't stay true'. Now you're describing liars and those who don't stay true instead of separating them from those that don't stay true.
I think adding some quotes in here would do you some good to make this question more... question-y.
I questions, "Why have I been suffering,
When I can choose not to?"
Repetition for emphasis is a great device to use in poetry. This sort of repetition (Which I like to call Josh Pecking, as you're repeating the same word twice) isn't the best road to take though. It's fine to repeat but it's good to use different words. I know, this isn't actually repetition, but in a sense it can be. If you use two words with similar meanings you can achieve the same emphasis affect while still showing off your vocabulary. I'm a little confused here too (as to if you're using tear is in water from your eyes or as in a rip) so I can't give you suggestions on how to change but I trust that you know how to use a thesaurus and will manage to pull something together. (Feel free to message me if need be. With clarification, I would be happy to help.)
I feel like the repetition of unrequited here is pointless. Yes, I just rambled on about the great things repetition can do for literature, but I feel like it doesn't help the work in this situation. I suggest that you reconsider.
Last thing, and just me being picky, is that I would suggest that you don't capitalize 'love'. It's unneeded.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
This is really nice!
This is really nice!
Hey, this is an interesting poem! I have to agree with Mahvash on the adore/adored thing. Maybe it should be
"I asked myself, "is it because I was not Really meant to love?""
This is because you would not tell someone a question, you would ask them. Apart from that, I think it would be better as "I question why I have been suffering"
Also, "in a twisted feel" does not make sense to me, as a phrase. Perhaps you meant "feeling"?
Despite various questionable choices of words, this was a very heartfelt piece.
Hey!! It's Mahvash here. Hope you are doing well. This is an amazing piece of writing. Seriously, I liked it a lot. The punctuation is good, the flow is awesome. It's a true reflection of your feelings. Good job. The way you have covered up the whole event in just a few lines is appreciable.
But I think there's a problem in the first line of the poem.
You wrote:
"Love, a beautiful concept I once adore"
As you have used once here, so shouldn't it be like this:
"Love, a beautiful concept I once adored"
Otherwise, the selection of words is good. Keep on it. Well done