I wrote this when I was ten I think... So don't be too brutal... Just wondered if someone could give me some tips so I could improve it and make it worthy
Time drifts past on the clouds above
There’s only two, it’s a clear sky
I could run and jump off the cliffs
Believing I could fly
The sand almost scolds my feet
So I can barely press them down
As we run with boards towards the sea
Where so many could drown
The waves gather strength
And tower over our heads
We could be knocked out
Wake up in hospital beds
We position ourselves towards the shore
And wait for the perfect swell
Catch it, double check
Stand when in the past we fell
There’s jagged rocks to the right
Left, a kid doing underwater tricks
An unpredictable beast surges us on
Dangerous games are how we get kicks
Sure people die doing this but not here
It’s not like we’re surfing Jaws
Round here it’s just a way of life
Amongst the rules and laws
But the only real danger, mum
Is if our hearts, with adrenaline, pump too fast
If you have a heart attack on your board
To the shore you’re unlikely to last
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Canary word: Present
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The last sentence of each stanza bothered me amd the second to the last stanza was sort of irritating. It's mostly just flow and wording that I didn't really like from this.