Hey there.
It's clear that this work was originally in a different format and then you tried to convert it to more of a poetry prose style. While that might be able to work with how this is somewhat stream of conscious, it's going to need a few formatting things fixed about it. The first thing that pops out to me as a reader is the capitalization, which is what is making it clear you had more line splits in this. To actually work it as a paragraph, you have to take the capital letters out of the middle of the sentences.
And then there's how this mixture of formats affects the punctuation...
Dark and mysterious stranger, Walk my way, Tell me something, But tell me nothing, To give you away.
This should look more like this:
dark and mysterious stranger, walk my way, tell me something, but tell me nothing to give you away.
Most prose poetry works best with absolutely no caps across the board, just in my experience. It makes it easier for the ideas flow to together, rather than starting and stopping every five seconds. From this, I also cut out one comma because the commas are actually needed in separating the different requests of the speaker.
More in the vein of stopping and starting every five seconds, the reader comes to the problem of the sentences being so short. Just a few words by themselves is not doing anything for me and it's certainly not helping the flow any. This sort of rigid structure takes away a lot of what the presentation of poetry provides.
Just combine some ideas and split this into a few separate parts.
Also, with the message I find at the end, it sounds a lot to be about rape. Or more just the speaker asking for sex, which either way needs a rating on it and perhaps some actual explanation within the text. As it is, the whole concept is very vague? I think you might have been purposely trying for a lot of the feel of vagueness but you laid it on way too thick.
My feelings are really mixed about this.
My main problem is that you just threw the formatting together, without regard for fixing it.
And then the message has so many issues.
This is all I can say for now.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
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