Clara stared out the window as a bright yellow umbrella walked away from her street. Under the umbrella was Jordan, star of her school's baseball team. He had been the object of her affection for some time now.
Jordan and Clara had grown up together. They weren't friends, but they weren't strangers either. She had been standing in the front entrance of the school pouting. Her friends had all gone home a few hours before, and she hadn't anticipated the rain. She was wearing a thin sweatshirt and shorts. Not clothes for walking home in the rain.
“Do you have a ride home,” a deep voice asked from behind her. She figured they were talking to someone else and ignored it. A low cough followed by her name caught her attention. “Clara? Do you have a ride?”
Clara looked behind her to see Jordan, standing with a rain coat on. “I'm just getting ready for the walk home. I guess they cancelled baseball practice today?”
“They sure did,” he smiled and ran a hand through his dark brown hair. At his side hung a bright yellow umbrella.
“Whats with the colour?” she asked as she stifled a laugh.
“At least I checked the weather network,” he said as he looked at her with a superior smirk. She rolled her eyes and smiled.
He paused for a second, looked her up and down then gave her an offer, “Do you want me to walk you home? I'd feel really bad if you got sick when I could have prevented it.” She thought about it for a second, spurring a mini debate in her head. “Are you OK? You look kind of,” he paused mid sentence, “confused.”
Clara gave him a small smile, “Oh yeah, sorry, I was just thinking. Sure, I'll take you up on that offer.”
Jordan walked outside the door a bit and opened the large umbrella. “Are you coming?” he asked her through the door.
She nodded and walked quickly out the door. Jordan led the way towards their neighbourhood.
“So what are you up to lately?” He asked her.
She shrugged, “this, that and the other.”
He laughed for a moment, she couldn’t help but wonder why, as she had said nothing to merit the response. The walk passed that way for a while. Small chit chat, a bit of laughter and then more silence.
Clara suddenly felt a strong gust of wind. It sent shivers down her spine. Jordan stopped and looked at her, “Do you want y sweater? You seem a bit cold.”
She shook her head. This couldn't be happening. She was obviously dreaming. “I can't, you'll be cold.”
“I'll be fine, just take it.”
“No, I really can't,” she insisted.
“Damn it, Clara, stop being so god damn stubborn. Just take the damn sweater,” Jordan growled as he stuffed the sweater into her arms. Clara was taken aback and put the sweater on meekly.
“Thanks,” she let out in a low mumble.
He was silent for a while as they continued walking. “Sorry,” he surprised her.
“It's my fault,” Clara replied guiltily.
“Yep,” he said with a smile. “Everything is, remember?”
Her mind instantly shot back to the moment he was referencing. In grade six their class had decided they needed someone to blame everything on. That person just so happened to be her. “Oh my god, you remember that?” She asked him with a laugh.
“Of course, you were my best friend,” he replied. They continued in comfortable silence until they neared her street. “I forgot how much fun you were,” he said as they turned onto her street with a laugh. Clara laughed along with him. He walked her up to her front door. They stood there for a second and time seemed to halt. She looked up into his green eyes, he looked down into her blue ones. The two of them she stood on her tiptoes involuntarily as he looked down at her with a smug look.
Suddenly his phone rang. “Sup? Oh, shit, really? Okay I'll be right there Mike. Give me two seconds and I'll leave. Yeah.” He hung up quickly and looked at her. “Can I have your number? Maybe we can hang out again.”
She nodded dumbly. Had Jordan just asked her for her phone number? She blinked a few times and said the numbers with confidence.
He smiled at her, “I guess I'll see you later.”
She nodded and entered her house, just in time to see the bright yellow umbrella leave her yard and walk down her street. Clara let out a squeal of joy when she finished recounting the events that just taken place, so happy that it hadn't been a dream. She noticed him stop and turn around before continuing on. She knew whatever happened from there she would be happy.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi, I'm Celticmusicgirl and I'll be reviewing your work today.
So I really liked this piece. It is short and simple. I don't normally like stuff that's long and complicated. That tends to make things hard to understand. I like your writing. I agree though that with the strong language you used, you should change the age rating to 16+. Otherwise I didn't find any errors. Good job there. Although I would like a little more description here and there.
One piece I really liked is this: "She looked up into his green eyes, he looked down into her blue ones." I like how you described that she was looking up into his eyes so that we know he is taller than her and their eye colors.
Good Job on this. Please PM me when you post more of this.
Hello! I'd like to share my thoughts with you, this day!
I really liked how romantic this was. *blushes* I'm a bit of a sucker for things like that... sometimes. I also just thought the whole 'walking her home' thing was great. Sure, it's not a unique concept, but it's something that's a big part of a teen girl's ( and a teen boy's ) life. I just liked because... getting walked home, or walking someone home happens a lot. But ya, good job there!
Now, how about some hard core reviewing!?
You counteract this when Jordon says:
See what I mean? Those two sentences shouldn't be living together. Maybe if you added 'anymore' to the first quote, like:
'They weren't friends 'anymore', but they weren't strangers either.'
I also noticed that you used some swearing in this... which is fine, but I think the rating should be a little bit higher. Something like 16+.
So ya, other then that I found this very lovely. Refreshing in a way. I think it's funny how happy she is in the end, if that were me, I'd probably be jumping up and down too!
See you around!
-Socks
'sup. so it seems like you have the seedling of a good story here. you just need to find some rich soil, sun and water for it to grow. what's at stake in this story? that's what you should be asking yourself. why should my readers care about Clara?
an example of something to expand on: "In grade six their class had decided they needed someone to blame everything on. That person just so happened to be her."
this sentence confused the hell out of me. I got the feeling like there was some kind of inside joke there, but since we as readers are not in on said joke it really doesn't do much for us except make us scratch our heads.
I don't normally do nitpicks because I think they are silly, but I took issue with the opening three paragraphs. you have to understand that from the reader's pov it's like one minute Clara is watching Jordan walk away and then a second later, as if through teleportation, he magically appears behind her. you need to hammer out the details for logistical purposes if nothing else.
also, I agree with PeanutPhoebe that the cursing was a bit off-putting, although not for the same reasons (I take the Lord's name in vain about 100 times a day, to be honest). I took issue with the foul language because it seemed to come out of nowhere. one minute Jordan's this sweet young kid, kindly walking his classmate home and offering her a sweater. the next he sounds like me when I'm welding and I get undercut on my base-metal, dropping GD's hither and yon like beads slag. you need to establish what kind of character Jordan is before you just change up his voice like that.
hope this was helpful.
peace
PeanutPhoebe, here for a review!! First off, I don't appreciate the cussing or taking God's name in vain. I'm a Christian, and God says in His Word not to do that. You did well in splitting into paragraphs. I do feel like you could go farther with this. Great descriptions. One thing I don't like is how you go from what she's doing, to what happened, to what she's doing again. A little confusing. Good job, and keep writing!!
Lady Celestia, the Glorious Knight
It's pretty rude and intolerant to assume everyone on this website is a Christian, or even a monotheist in general, and that you can force your opinions upon them.
I'm sorry, but that's not what I assume and it's rude of you to think so. I'm not forcing my opinions on anyone, simply stating them. And besides, those weren't opinions, but truths from God's Word, the Bible.
religion aside, as writers and artists we should never attempt to stifle another person's creativity or try to censor creative work for fear of offending someone.
I'm sorry if you thought I was trying to stifle or offend your creativity, that's not what was meant. I was simply saying what I do or do not like, that's what reviews are for, after all!!