Finding a Friend
Sam
I remember the day my parents left me on the streets of Xian. That day they just dumped me on to the street, as the cold, hard, wet, pouring rain fell on my forehead. My parents seemed happy that day. I had to find food for myself from that day on. I was just turning five. I almost starved to death. Nobody cared about me. I thought I was going to be in the darkness for the rest of my life.
On the day I turned six, a miracle happened. A young beautiful girl with eyes as blue as the sea and hair as dark as the darkest part of the night sky, gave me a fourth of a cup of rice. It looked like heaven to me, since all I had eaten before was dropped bread from the stand in the market. She was the one that kept me alive. Every other day she gave some rice. I didn’t know why she did it, who she was, and why she kept giving me rice. Every time I saw her she wore ragged old clothes. I always tried asking who she was, why, and why she kept doing it.
Then she told me. Her voice as gentle as a butterfly.
“My name is… Chun. I give you food because… you seem so lonely. What's your name?”
I just sat there amazed. I thought she would never say a thing.
“Keung, is my name. Come with me. I want to show you something.”
I take her hand and start running opposite of the market. We ran next to Yangtze river. My straw shoes can barely take the gravel. The air passing through the rips in my old hemp was very refreshing. I almost tripped and fell from my very long ripped pants.
“Are you okay,” Chun says
I nod, and then smile.
“Here we are,” I say
I make her come down to the Yangtze river with all the trees around us.
“Are you thirsty,” I ask
“I guess,”
“Here. Cup your hands and scoop some water, then hold it out to me.”
“Here.”
“The tree that was next to me with big branches like a giant's arm is called the tea tree.”
I grab a leaf from the tree and set it gently in the cupped water that Chun is holding.
“Now, wait for it to combine,” I say
* * *
“The leaf is almost gone,” Chun says
“Good” I got up from where I slept. “Drink it, it's called tea.”
“What,” Chun shouts
“Come on,” I say
“Fine” she shouts
She drinks it.
“Oh my god. Its like heaven!”
“I hate this life” I shout “I am running away! Do you hate your life? Do you want to run away?”
“... I don't know. If we would leave where would we go?”
“To Qufu, where we will learn how to be Confucianist” I say “But the problem is how we are going to get there and how we are going to eat.”
“We could use a camel to get there.”
“Wait what! You have a camel” I shout
“No, my master has one. I could probably take it from him. And I have been saving up tons of rice for someone like you but we could take it with us”
“Good, we will meet here at the tea tree when the sun clock hits the three”
* * *
“Let's go,” I yell while getting onto the camel.
“It was hard to get the camel, I almost got caught,” Chun sighs
“Hey, you got it don't be sad,” I say happily “Come on cheer up!”
“They threw gunpower at me,” Chun yells “I think it is used for something else not to throw at someone!”
* * *
As we entered the town everyone seemed happy. I had never seen anything so beautiful, I thought.
“Hello there, or Ní hǎo, my name is Siddhartha. I am Confucianist,” Siddhartha says “Come with me I will show you around!”
“Ok,” I say
“This right here is The Temple of Confucius”
I looked at it, amazed.
“It's huge.” I say
“And over here is the real confucius teaching children to be Confucianist.”
“Thank you,” I say
Then we lived a good life by learning to be a Confucianist.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,483 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
I liked that you use a lot of showing not telling because it added a nice touch to the story. Also it was nice to have a happy ending in the story. I wonder if your story could have been in media res instead of chronological order. Also I wonder if you talk more about Confucianism. Overall I liked the amount of detail in your story.
Hey Sammy,
I think the beginning is unbelievable because how did he survive for 1 whole year? I would like to know what did he do to survive? Where did he go and so on. Other than that I loved the start. I like how they go on there adventure! Great idea!! By the way we had the same name as chun
Overall great story! Keep up the great work and I hope to see more!
-Cameron DeMasi
Hi Sam,
Since I hadn't read your story before, I read it for the first time. First of all, the story was very well written, and all of your grammar was correct, so good job on that. However, I noticed that you might have put Siddhartha in your story as the creator of Confucianism. Just make sure you have your historical facts right. Overall, very well written story!
Hey Sammy!! I never really got to read your story so I decided to review it!
I really liked how you spaced your paragraphs.
But my constructive feed back is for your first sentence you should give it more of a hook. To attract readers and make them want to read your story.
But over all nice job Sam!!
-Kaelyn
Hello, Blaspherica here for a review!
Firstly, welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy it here. Secondly, there seems to be tread going around with people writing about "Confucianist" (which for some reason my auto correct wants to call it "Confucianism"). It seems your story is focused around somebody trying to find the creator of Confucianism. From what I know, Siddhartha found Buddhism. Be sure to research a topic before you actually start writing it. Later on, when a different reader is going to be reading this, they most likely will be confused and start to wonder. Another thing, I feel that you're beginning doesn't have the correct feeling to it. Like, it doesn't drag in the reader is they decided to ever read about it. I remember from somewhere, that if you want to make a good beginning, start somewhere with action and whole lot of description. That way when the reader will expect something good throughout the story you've written.
The dialogue for me feels flat. Perhaps it could be that the dialogue is most of what is happening. Throughout a novel, there should be equal amounts of dialogue and action. You seemed to mix the two since the dialogue provides the action whereas the action doesn't provide much of the dialogue. A suggestion for writing speaking parts: add description on how your characters speak to one another. Imagine their voices in your head, pinpoint how they might feel in a certain situation (or the one you've written), and write it out. If they are scared, make their voices quiver in fear. If they are breathless, make their voices waver. It not only provides a visual effect for the reader. But also the effect of having the character's voices in their heads.
At one point the narrator is five (or turning about five), then is turning six. If the beginning was a memory or a flashback, be sure to use the "past" verb if you choose to. Like I said before, add some description to what is happening. Much like at the end: describe what the temple looks like.
For the most part, describing seems to be the main key you are missing. It'll help you in the long run, and provide a good come out when people read your stories. Also, I think most short stories should have a meaning behind them or something to easily support them. Kinda like a backbone, I suppose.
Blaspherica
Nice organization of paragraphs!