Published September 21, 2007
Really realized what we are doing to this planet. So I wrote this. Not much but yeah.
I hate life
I hate life
It’s not real.
It is a waste of time,
and breath
The dusty ground
and red sky.
It makes me shiver in disbelieve.
My skin feels warm.
Unusual for this time of year.
The middle of winter,
It hasn’t snow for many years…
The water…
Where is it?
It has been so long since I
drenched myself in water.
My life,
ruined,
by a force we seek to ignore.
We deserve to die.
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A good old rant of a poem. Honestly it didn't do much for me, except for the last two stanzas; the image of drenching oneself in water is powerful. Sounds like the last one could be talking about the supernatural as well as global warming. The poem has its moments but reveals a lack of effort and/depth with the theme.
First of all this was really depressing to me bc global warming isn't happening that fast and lots of good ppl are trying to stop it, yes you may disagree that it will still continue and i will have to agree.
in the second stanza - makes me shiver in disbelieve
it should be shiver in disbelief
and also it hasn't snow in many years should be snowed in many years
over all i think you got the message straight and stayed on topic so a thumb up from me. keep writing
I just realized something too:
Directness leads to cliche.
This poem tells us a lot. "I hate life." So...what? That's what all the emo people say when they cut themselves. Do we see reasoning? No. You were good at explaining those reasons, but they were too blunt and therefore considered bad reasons.
"It makes me shiver in disbelieve."
You have no reason to write "in disbelive" (which doesn't really make sense, maybe disbelief?)
"My skin feels warm.
Unusual for this time of year.
The middle of winter,
It hasn’t snow for many years… "
Again, SHOW SHOW SHOW US! Here's how I would rewrite it:
"Skin tingles with midwinter warmth
With still no snow."
You see how I cut it down by half? Here are the things I deleted, and the ways I made them come back and be less plain/direct/cliche:
"My" was deleted because 1) we know it's your skin, and b) because it's also all the other people there. Plus, it adds to the flow.
"Unusual for the time of year"--just sayiing "midwinter warmth" makes us know it's unusual, especially with the words "With still no snow" after it.
"hasn't snowed for many years" unnecessary. "Still"--one word!--tells us it has snowed before.
I LOVED the idea! I have been waiting for a poem about global warming for years!This has lots of potential, but you hadn't used much of it yet.
PM me if you have any questions!
This is too depressing... But I feel like it is a thesis improperly backed up. You say, "I hate life" which you would naturally follow with "Because..." but your reasons given don't really help me feel with you.
You might want to try and write it with less direct statements, you know? It's really plain right now, but you get your idea across. Try to use different words, to spice it up and make it more original.
Thirteen is young though! So you're probably new to poetry. A suggestion I can give is to read some poetry. Just go looking for poets to read online, and see how they write. This might help you learn how to make your poetry good too. Just keep trying, though. ^_~ We all start from somewhere. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
Wow, very depressing. I think it could do witha good bit of brightening up, and still get the point across.
I think the planet would kill itself, after reading this poem, with little help from us.(just kidding)
Sorry, but I think this needs some more work, I can't point anything specific out, cause I think the poem in general needs a bit of a rework.
Good luck and I hope to read it again,
Pros
Ah, its soooo depressing, and its good, doesn't flow perfectly, but I like it. Course I'm not the best with poetry, but yea.