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12+ Language Violence

Nesaea's Hidden Love

by Softballgirl333


 Deep into the forest in a cabin flawlessly made of wood with intricate floral carvings, lay a girl with deep black hair and emerald green eyes. She has a petite figure compared to the other children of her age in the kingdom, but that doesn't mean she was any less of a warrior, in fact it has been shown that she is one of the most powerful healers in her class. She wakes up before dawn everyday to train with her best friend, Dido. Dido is one of the best fighting warriors the Kingdom of the Lost has, he was born with a true talent that he got from his dad, the army general. Dido was like a skyscraper compared to her and although he was a fierce warrior, he would never hurt those he truly loves and cares about.

Nesaea rolled out of bed, the dark stained wood creaking around her as she moved. She is the first to rise out of her cabin everyday, so she strikes a match to create and small fire in her fingertips. She admires it for a moment, watching how the fire moves and grows or dies depending on what she does. She eventually moved the match to the lamp that sits on her bedside and lets it illuminate her room. She puts on her dark black and white leather armor, the heaviness of armor familiar, the runes and other engravings hand carved on her own, matching her mother's to an extent, but also designed to be her own. Nesaea grabs her tall training boots and carefully laces them tight. Afterwards she slowly stands, letting her body crackle and pop as she stretched towards the dark twinkling sky. She carefully grabs her lamp by the handle, avoiding touching the hot metal, and makes a quick exit out the front door of her beautiful cabin.

Nesaea begins her hike through the eerily silent forest, the leaves satisfyingly crunching under her boots. She reaches her special path that is her own personal shortcut to the training arena. Every morning her and Dido try to race each other to see who will get there first, and there really is no way to see where the other person is at until you arrive at the arena because he lives on the opposite side of the kingdom. Elizabeth steps up to the cold, dark, empty cobblestone building. She gets the joy to see an arena typically so vivacious and lively be so quiet and dead. Admiring the emptiness of the arena, she opens the heavy stone door, the sound of stone grinding against stone echoed throughout the empty arena.

"Hello?" Nesaea called out quietly, setting her lamp down to the side of her against a wall, waiting to see if Dido truly was not here, or if he was up to his normal antics. After a minute or two she decided to go and light the lamps around the arena while waiting for Dido. About halfway around the arena, she heard the stone door open again.

"You're late." She stated matter-of-factly. She pointed to the unlit lamps as his signal to start helping her.

Dido laid all of his stuff down on the floor, breathing heavily from running to the arena, and began to light the first lamp. "I know, I know Nesaea, you won today. I was up late helping little brother and I overslept." He continued on with lighting the second lamp.

Little brother was Dido's younger brother obviously, but Nesaea seems his younger brother as her own, she knew that Dido saw her as a sister, but she felt differently. "Well finish up the lamps while I set the arena up." She quickly got to work with setting up their normal arena setup. A few dummies, some blockades, and a few fake weapons was all it consisted of.

"Ready to lose?" She taunted him before grabbing her sparring weapon of choice, a small dagger that fit perfectly into her hand.

"We will see who loses today." He gave a smirk towards her before taking his position on the side of the arena opposing her. He prepared his stance with his hands in the air, prepared to defer her first spell.

Nesaea quietly said her spell to herself before lifting her hands up and pushing the spell towards him, a simple but effective spell, that easily knocks the opponent off their feet.

Dido didn't expect her to open with that spell, and due to the lack of concentration, her fell to the floor, watching Nesaea as she moved from blockade to blockade before throwing a damage spell at her.

"Come on now you can do better than that, almighty warrior." She teased before throwing another spell his way, one that shouldn't be too detrimental to his physical health, just enough to break a bone.

"Aghh" He groaned as he felt the pain in his arm, knowing not to move it. "If you're going to break me, will you at least heal me?" He called out to her, unable to cast his next spell.

"I guess I can heal you." She teased as she walked over to him and place her hand on his arm, feeling the energy go through her body, letting his arm slowly heal. She moved her hand away and took a step back. "You like that spell huh?" She giggled as she headed back behind a blockade.

"I knew you were smart, but I didn't know you were that smart." He teased her before throwing another spell her way. He smiled with a sparkle in his eye, he always loved teasing her, not to be mean but it's because he has had the biggest crush on her. He knows she only sees him like a brother, so he never tries to go after her.

She easily blocks the spell, returning his with another spell to cause pain, but not one that would break anything. She started to move quickly between then barricades and the dummies across the arena.

Dido blocked her spell, but he tripped while sending his spell her way, which caused him to cast it incorrectly, he was hoping it would miss, because a miscasting of a spell could be fatal.

Nesaea felt the hard blow to her side as she was diving behind another blockade, a sharp and intense pain was all she could feel as she gasped for air.

Dido sprinted to her side as fast as he could, he didn't know what was cast, how to help, or anything for a matter of fact. "Are you okay? What's wrong? I am so so so sorry Nesaea, I don't know what happened. You know I would never hurt you like this." He rushedly spoke, his mind racing, unable to think about anything else besides her and her health.

"H-Healer." She managed to whisper out before losing consciousness in his arms, her body going completely limp.

Dido was panicking as he watched her pass out in his arms, but he soon scooped her up, and ran out of the arena, heading towards to main house as fast as possible. He let a single tear rolled down his face because he had to keep his composure, he couldn't let them see him crying over this mistake.

He arrived to the main building, sweat pouring down his face as he burst through the door. "Help! I need the main Healer! Now!" He yelled out hoping someone was awake because it is just now beginning to be dawn. "She's unresponsive,"

A guard hurriedly rushed out into the main room, the sound of his boots hitting the blue tiled floor echoing throughout the room. "What's going on here?" His deep voice bellowed as he walked closer to assess the situation.

"Nesaea and I were sparring in the arena like always, but something happened and now I need the head Healer, that was what she told to do, so I brought her here. Please, I can't let her get worse." He pleaded as his strong exterior broke slightly, he laid her down on the floor as he held her hand. He kissed her forehead and let a hand comb through her hair. "It'll be okay Nesaea, I promise." He murmured into her ear.

The guard turned around quickly, walking into the depths of the main building, the floors the same blue marbled tile throughout with beautifully painted murals on the walls. He found the King and the main healer and brought them to Dido and Nesaea.

Dido held her hand tightly as his tears fell, he loved her, and he knew he would never forgive himself if he hurt her permanently. He stopped as he heard people approaching in hushed whispers, he resumed his normal cold and strong aura, the aura of a warrior, not a broken-hearted lover.

"Bring her to me." The Healer commanded before turning back around and walking down the main passage.

Dido quickly picked her back up and followed the Healer to their quarters. He held onto Nesaea tightly, only able to focus on her, her limp and lifeless body once filled with so much joy and love for others.

They finally arrived at the Healer's quarters and Dido sat her on a bed. "What Happened?" The Healer asked preparing Nesaea for examination.

"We were sparring in the arena like always, we train every morning, I-I tripped and miscast a spell, I don't know what ended up being cast, but she hit the floor and she struggled to breathe, and she said 'Healer' before passing out. Now she hasn't been conscious for about 10 minutes. Please help her." His voice broke as he told the story, his eyes beginning to tear up.

"I will do what I can, but since I don't know what she was hit with, it might take some time. I have to ask you to leave for now, you can come back and visit her later." The Healer looked at him with sympathetic eyes, and patted his shoulder before turning back to grab more supplies.

"Please let me stay, I can't leave her, I did this to her." He begged with the healer, not letting go of her hand and squeezing it tightly.

"I am sorry, but for me to do my job, I have to ask you to go. I think the King needs to talk with you anyways. Come back later and I will tell you what is going on." The Healer could see the pain in Dido's eyes, and he felt awful, but he wasn't family and it was the rules.

"Okay, I will be back as soon as possible Nesaea." He kissed her hand and then stood to kiss her forehead. "I love you." He whispered into her ear before turning around to walk away out of the quarters. He turned down the hallways, unable to appreciate the art that lined the walls, he walked directly to the King's quarters. He lightly knocked onto the big wooden door, his hands shaky and a lump in his throat as he thinks about Nesaea.

The King walks through the door, multiple locks can be heard unclicking as he opens the door to see Dido. "Ahh Dido! My beloved warrior, come on in." He fully opened the door and took a step aside to let Dido in.

Dido walked through the door and gave a weak smile to the king before turning around to see his father in the room too. He then straightened up, his body tense and his strong aura has returned.

"Father." He gave a quick nod in father's direction before taking a seat on the opposing side of him, leaving the seat in the middle for the King. Dido's right leg began to bounce as these meetings have historically never brought good news, and he could not be troubled with a war, fight, or hunt while Nesaea is in such a bad condition.

"I have pulled you into this meeting with your father because of the news that has been slowly spreading through the kingdom as of this morning. Apparently we have the Maddox crew approaching our borders. I don't know what they have planned, but I will be sending out our best warriors to police our borders." The King said with his normal commanding tone before he went to go sit between the two. "Dido you know how the majority of this works by now, so you'll be leading a group out to the west side of the kingdom, and your father will take the East side. 2 other ranking officers of our choice will take North and South. Do not engage in battle unless absolutely necessary, I do not want any blood loss on our grounds, especially one of our own."

Dido looked over to his father and then back at the King. He knew he was a strong warrior, bound to take on leadership roles in the future, but being so young he never thought he would take on responsibility this early. "Why me, my King? You have plenty of older, experienced warriors that have ranking over me. I wouldn't want my inexperience to cause problems or faults on our ends, especially in such a high risk task. You know how strong the Maddox's are and how they love to fight, a battle is almost impossible to avoid. I think someone else should command, with all due respect." He bowed his head slightly as he finished his sentence, now extremely worried between the two situations, he can't think straight enough to have his first responsibility as a future leader be today.

"Now Dido, you know you have shown excellency when it comes to your leadership skills, and you are one of the best warriors we have. This should be a simple task because I am pretty the crew isn't even coming." The King shook his head and put a hand on Dido's shoulder. "I know this may be a lot, but my mind is already made up, and you will take this on."

Dido nodded his head and turned to his father once again to see if he had anything to say, but his father gave him a stern look. Dido paused before looking back to the King. "Okay, but if you're going to have me lead, I wanted to be treated as if I was a commander, and I want that to be known. I don't want my peers disrespecting me are questioning my judgement because they wouldn't do that to you or my father and they won't do it to me." Dido said getting more confident in himself, feeling the leader inside of him take over.

"Of course Dido. I will make that known to the other warriors. Thank you for doing this and I will make sure to remember this when ranking up comes around." The King gave him a wink before standing. "Dido you are dismissed, I have other matters to talk about with your father."

Dido gave a quick nod to both the King and his father before walking out of the room. Once on the other side of the door, Dido gave a heavy sigh and shook his head. Today was just awful, he hurt the girl he loves, and now he has to leave her to go lead his first troop of warriors straight into a battle. Dido turned to go back to the head Healer's quarters to see if he is allowed to see Nesaea again. He carefully knocked on the door and waited patiently, hoping the Healer heard.

The head Healer heard the knock and already knew who would be there because Nesaea is her only patient, and Dido was the only one to come visit her. She opened the door and not to her surprise Dido was standing there. "Come in. I heard what's happening, so I will give you a few moments alone with her."

"Thank you." He said weakly once again as he walked into the room to see Nesaea still unconscious. He grabbed her hand and in a blink of an eye, his strong warrior aura was broken again, as his eyes teared up once again.

The Healer walked out of her quarters and closed the door quietly behind her before walking off to somewhere else within the building.

Dido remained there, holding her hand and lightly kissed the top of it. "Nesaea, I am so sorry. I wish this was all a dream. I wish I could just wake up any moment. I wish I could take it back, I wish I could wake you up, I wish we could start this day over. I would never want to hurt you Nesaea." He paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I need to say this. I know you only see me as a brother, we have grown up together, being the best two in our class, but I have had the biggest crush on you for years. I love you Nesaea, so please get better. I want to see your shining face once I get back, I want you to see you filled with joy and love again." He kissed her hand again and remained there silently for a few moments, a tear fell down his face and onto her hand. He heard a knock on the door, and he knew it was the healer coming back. "I love you, I really do Nesaea, but I have to go now." He stood up to kiss her forehead this time, he wiped his tears away and went to go open the door for the Healer.

The Healer stood in the doorway, as her heart broke for the poor young boy. "The King says it's time to gather up the troops and head to our borders. I am sorry I couldn't get you more time." She walked back into her quarters, Nesaea's condition unchanged.

"I know. Thank you for the time you gave me. I'll be back as soon as I am done. Please find out what's wrong with her. If she dies because of me, I'll never be able to forgive myself." His voice broke once, before he shook his head and pushed his feelings aside, walking out of the room headed towards barracks.

________________________________________________________

Dido was an entirely different person when he was leading, or even when he was potentially at war. He no longer radiated happiness and joy like he did when he was with Nesaea. His face had a stone cold expression as he thought out his battle plan in case of a small one arose. His friends were assigned to other groups, so he knew none of the abilities of the warriors he was working with, and he couldn't trust one enough to make second in command. He shook his head, getting lost in his own thoughts before one of his warriors caught his attention.

"Dido, Sir, Do you know how long these patrols last? The Maddox crew could come at anytime." The warrior asked from behind Dido. The warrior was younger and he stood about half a foot shorter than Dido.

"The last as long as the King wants us here. Avoid starting a battle in every way possible." Dido stated coldly, his mind flipping between being a future General and his love, Nesaea.

________________________________________________________

Hours have passed now, the Kingdom remained quiet as the people were instructed to avoid doing much outside. The only things mildly exciting always happened at the main building of the Kingdom. The building was not huge, it was far from a castle, but it is where all of the main events for the Kingdom happen. It was large enough to have a storage area for their weapons, sleeping quarters for our leaders, the King, General, Healers and their families. The head Healer's quarters where the largest as half of the area was made to be like what we would call a hospital. The current activity was with the Healer now, as Nesaea's condition improved, and she had regained consciousness.

Nesaea stirred and opened her eyes to the dim lights of this place she was in, she couldn't remember where she was or why. She turns to see the head Healer, otherwise known as her supervisor standing next to her. "W-What happened, Teji?" She asked groggily, her voice raspy from not being used. Nesaea and the Healer were closed due to the time and training they have done together, which sparked the nickname for the Healer, Teji.

"Do you not remember? How much do you remember from this morning?" Teji asked slightly concerned as she walked around to the other side of Nesaea's bed. "I am just going to check on you, just keep talking." Teji gave Nesaea a slight warning because Nesaea has been unconscious this entire time, Teji doesn't know what is painful and what is not.

"Well I remember getting ready, going to the arena to meet with Dido..." She paused for a moment her eyes getting wide, suddenly worried about Dido. "Where is Dido? Is he okay? Did something happen to him? Why am I here anyways?" She said rushedly, her mind racing as she tried to remember.

"Shhhh Nea, calm down, Dido is okay. He is just worried about you. Currently the King has ordered most warriors out to police the borders because there's a rumored attack from the Maddox Kingdom." She said before lifting up Nesaea's shirt to expose her midriff, the small red area from when the spell originally hit his now completely black and purple, spanning over half of her left side of her body. Teji carefully applied pressure to see if Nesaea would react.

"Am I allowed to sit up after you're done Teji?" She asked not even flinching at the pressure being applied, although she was calmed down now about Dido, she was worried because she couldn't feel that part of her body at all. "Teji, I can't feel you pressing on my side, I see it, but I can't feel anything."

Teji's body tensed suddenly as paralyzation could now be a huge factor in her recovery. It eliminates spells that could have been cast, but it opens up hundreds more. "Can you feel your leg? Your feet? How about the right side of your body?" Teji moved her hands around her body as she spoke, trying to see if Nesaea could really feel or if Nesaea could just be lying.

Nesaea giggled as Teji moved her hands to her feet and legs; Nesaea was very ticklish and her reactions were checked her legs would jerk because of Nesaea's ticklishness. "Why can't I feel that part of my body though Teji?"

Teji sighed knowing Nesaea would find out sooner or later what happened. "You were training this morning with Dido, and something happened that made his spell get miscast, and now the part of your body you can't feel, is completely black, and I am trying my best to figure out what is going on."

Nesaea shook her head and sighed. "Am I going to die Teji?"

"I don't know Nea. That's why I am working so hard to figure it out." Teji walked from one side of the bed to the other where there was a chair and sat down next to Nesaea, holding your hand. "You need to rest Nea, and I am not sure of anything, but I have a feeling you should talk with Dido once he's back about how you feel about each other." Teji giggled slightly because she heard Dido confess his love for her, but she knew Nesaea needed to hear it from him.

"Okay Teji, Thank you for helping me. I will try to rest." Nesaea said quietly followed by a yawn. She knew Dido would be okay, Dido is the best warrior they had in her eyes. Nesaea sighed before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep.

________________________________________________________

Everything was muffled, ringing in his ears, Dido gasping for air. The Maddox warriors approached all sides and launched their attack. Their warriors were fighting hard, the smell of blood and sweat filled the air. Dido was attacked from behind, and stabbed in the upper shoulder, he was drifting in and out of consciousness as he lost more blood. All he could think about was Nesaea, how he wished she was here, she would lay by his side and heal him the best she could before helping him back to the kingdom, like always. The dynamic duo. Memories flashed before his eyes, perfect representations of when he first met Nesaea, the first time they trained together, the first time she beat him, the first time he beat her, everything in his life revolves around her, and he couldn't get enough of it. The last thing Dido heard was the retreat of the Maddox warriors, before losing all consciousness.

________________________________________________________

Warriors were rushing through the Kingdom, carrying Dido as safely and quickly as possible. Some were running ahead to tell the HEaler to prepare for him, the wound in his shoulder was significant and would take a lot of time and energy. Nobody was sure if Dido was still breathing, or really knew what his condition was, but they got him to the healer and laid him on the bed.

Teji bolted up and started to work on Dido. The warriors were sent to go get another strong healer, the King and the General. Dido kept coming to and losing consciousness over and over again, incoherently trying to speak and figure out where he was, but all he knew was that he had to hold on, for Nesaea.

Amongst all of the commotion, Nesaea began to stir from her slumber, she heard Dido's name and she shot up from laying down. "What's going on? Who is that? Is that Dido? What the hell happened?" She suddenly became very awake and aware of her surroundings as it concerned Dido, her heart broke as she saw what happening all around her, a warrior was sent to make sure she remained where she was so she wouldn't get in the way or try to save him. "Teji! Let me help! I can help him!" She struggled against the warrior.

Teji was overwhelmed with the chaos that has ensued in her quarters. "No Nea! Using your powers could kill you." She moved to where she blocked the site of Dido. Dido's arm was still bleeding out and the bleeding wasn't stopping.

Dido could hear Nesaea yelling for him, he was aware of what was happening at this point, he was just took weak to try and open his eyes, he was completely focused on breathing and staying alive, while he has regained consciousness for the moment. "Nesaea..." He mumbled, his voice raspy.

Nesaea turned to look at Dido, the room fell silent as every heard him speak. Most thought he was still unconscious, but she weakly reached her arm out. "Yes Dido?" She choked, her eyes tearing up, she could feel her condition worsening, but she knew Dido needed her to be strong.

"I am so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen." He paused as it was getting harder to stay away, harder to hold on, but he had to, for her. "I love you Nesaea." A single tear fell down his face as he knew it was his time, he knew he couldn't hold on much longer, and whatever happens will happen now. He exponentially grew weaker and lost consciousness again.

"Dido! No! Dido! Please!" She screamed, her sight now clouded with tears streaming down her face. She gripped his hand tightly "I love you too Dido! I always have!" She was now full on sobbing, she knew before anyone else, they were still working on him, but she felt his hand relax, signaling that he was gone. Her crying only got more intense, as should could feel a sharp pain in her heart.

Teji knew shortly after he lost consciousness that he would soon pass, his condition was worsening faster than they could heal, the blade that was used to injure him was poisoned or enchanted, making his death nearly inevitable. Teji looked at Nesaea, and she knew that Nesaea knew, she could only walk over the Nesaea's side and offer her comfort. "Out. Everyone Out." She said coldly as the King and General were not even there still, and it was all warriors. Teji watched as the room emptied and only her and Nesaea were left, Dido's body was covered, and a curtain pulled to where they could no longer see him.

Nesaea has calmed down slightly, her sobs not so silent, her tears slowed. "Teji." Nesaea managed to croak out. "I can't fight anymore. It's grown, and I can't live without him." Her voice breaking between words, quiet sobs were let out.

"Nea, you can't give up on me. I have been working on something, I can heal you!" Teji was now the one getting emotional, her prodigy was now on death's bed too, and Teji couldn't let that happen. "Please Nea."

Nesaea could feel herself dying, the room smelled of death, and she felt like death. "It's too late..." Nesaea trailed off, she squeezed Teji's hand as she took one last breath, and her body was completely relaxed and she looked at peace

She could now be with Dido, the one she loved. 


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71 Reviews


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Thu Dec 19, 2019 3:34 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Here I am for the review!
So, starting off, great feel with this story. It falls into a comfortable rhythm pretty soon and has a good deal of potential. But I'll start with the minus side of the piece!
Before I do, I'm sorry if this is too critical. Just trying to help!

The most reoccurring mistake you make is with tense. Throughout the story, you switch between past tense and present tense. This actually makes the story look weak. It can easily be remedied if you choose one and follow it throughout. Let me give you an example of this by showing you how the first paragraph can be done. I've also corrected some other mistakes or things I feel can be changed.

"Deep in the forest, in a cabin made of flawless wood with intricate floral carvings, lay a girl with deep black hair and emerald green eyes. She had a petite figure compared to the other children of her age in the kingdom, but that didn't mean she was any less of a warrior; in fact it had been shown that she was one of the most powerful healers in her class.
She woke up before dawn everyday to train with her best friend, Dido. Dido was one of the best fighting warriors the Kingdom of the Lost had He had been born with a true talent that he got from his father, the army general. Dido was like a skyscraper compared to her, and although he was a fierce warrior, he would never hurt those he truly loved and cared about."

You can see what I've done. I also corrected punctuation where necessary. (Usually by adding/removing/adjusting a comma or using a semicolon in its place.)
If you're trying to write fiction, usually words like "dad" aren't used in the third person. That's why i replaced it with a more formal "father".
I feel like you should try to express the character of Dido by showing it via his actions and no writing about him. It generally isn't appealing to readers. Allowing a character's personality to build slowly is what people like more.
The first action scene was done really well, but the fight with Dido was too rushed and not descriptive. You joined a lot of sentences with commas, making an unsightly, larger sentence. Fragmenting these larger ones would be desirable. This applies to the rest of the story as well.
I can see you've put a good effort into descriptions though. There's still room for improvement, but good work!

I loved the ending. It was beautiful, simple, and well done. Emotions were portrayed quite nicely.

Overall, this is good for your first attempt! Keep writing, and you'll definitely see improvement and success!






LittleLee, you could never be too critical, this was my first short story I have ever written and I need all the advice I can get. Honestly I did not notice switching tenses was a big problem because it reads like normal to me, but I realize how hard it is to read now that it has been pointed out. Later I used the word father, but again, I didn't realize such things made a difference. The fight with Dido, lord, I struggled with that very much. I felt like it was going on too long to be honest, and I thought my readers would get bored with reading such. Thank you for letting me know it was too rushed. Comma splicing is something I struggle with great because I will think I am using a phrase of some sort, and then I end up making gigantic fragmented run-on sentences like you said. Thank you so much for the review and I will try to edit and update my story.



LittleLee says...


I'm glad I could be of help! And good work!



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Sat Dec 14, 2019 9:15 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway.

First Impression
Whew! What a loooonnnnggggg story! It's a cute one though. Not bad, not bad at all.

Nitpicks & Errors
Okay! Let's get our review started!

We'll start here-

She has a petite figure compared to the other children of her age in the kingdom, but that doesn't mean she was any less of a warrior, in fact it has been shown that she is one of the most powerful healers in her class.


First of that sentence is too wordy. You might want to consider separating it into two different sentences like this-
She has a petite figure compared to the other children of her age in the kingdom. But that didn't mean she was any less of a warrior. In fact it had been shown that she is one of the most powerful healers in her class

Secant, you need a comma after the word fact, like this-
In fact, it had been shown....

Finally what tense is this in? You use the word has, and is like it's in present tense, yet at the same time you use the ''ed'' as though it's in past tense. You need to decide rather it's present or past tense.

In this sentence you missed a space between the words every, and day.
She wakes up before dawn everyday to train with her best friend, Dido.

And again, there's the issue of which tense it's in.

Here you misspelled the word a as and-
She is the first to rise out of her cabin everyday, so she strikes a match to create and small fire in her fingertips.


Now let's deal with this sentence-
She reaches her special path that is her own personal shortcut to the training arena.

Something about that sentence doesn't make sense. Maybe try writing it like this-
She reaches her own special path, that's a shortcut to the training arena.

See the difference?
Every morning her and Dido try to race each other to see who will get there first, and there really is no way to see where the other person is at until you arrive at the arena because he lives on the opposite side of the kingdom.

Once again, that sentence there is a bit to long. Maybe try writing it this way-
Every morning she raced Dido to see who would get there first, and she usually didn't know who won until she arrived because Dido lived on the opposite side of the kingdom.

See the difference?

After a minute or two she decided to go and light the lamps around the arena while waiting for Dido.

You need a comma after the word two.

Those were all the errors I could find here.

Style & Flow
Nothing to say here

Overall
I'll be back for a more complete and through review later <3

EverLight out






Thank you so much ever! This was more than enough, but I will take any extra advice you can give. I was really nervous about posting this since it is my first short story.



EverLight says...


Your welcome <3



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Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:11 pm
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Softballgirl333 says...



@EverLight @LittleLee @Riellehn @MiniGem26

Here is my short story. I hope you enjoy




MiniGem26 says...


I'm sure I will, I will have to look at it tomorrow though.



LittleLee says...


I only have my phone today, so I hope it's okay for me to leave a review a little later!





@LittleLee That is perfectly fine!




You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon