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Young Writers Society



back to paradise

by Sofia


am from Georgia. Georgia (saqarTvelo) is also earthly paradise. I have lovely family, like other Georgians. My family owns Big Company and often it’s necessary to fly abroad for business. I am going to retell you the true story about one business trip.

My business trips were very long and have not seen family for 3 months. I missed them so much. I also missed my friends, relatives and of course Georgia. At last I set into plane. “That’s great”-I thought-“It is 21 may, the birthday of my brother. I’ll make a surprise.” They didn’t know anything about my arrival.

There were five or six hours till landing, so I was lulling to sleep. The plane shook once or twice. It was because of wind. “No matter” I thought.

”I shall see my family after hours, that’s great”- I was very happy. The plane shook several times more, but I already slept.

The plane land.

“At last”- I said gaily-“I’m home”

There was no car expecting for me, that’s because I didn’t warned anyone. I set in the tax with some other women and went home. But we didn’t walk much; there was traffic in the streets. So I decided to go by subway.

“How much?”-asked to tax driver

There was no answer. As it seems the decision was on me. I took five Georgian lari and stretched out to him. But he didn’t take it.

“Is not it enough Sir?”-I asked, he hanged his head. We didn’t passed long way, so this money was enough, but as it seems the driver did not sgree with me. Well, that day I was very happy and wanted others to be happy too. So I took 20 lari and put on the chair.

“Here it is Sir”-I told and went out from the car.

I felt great pleasure walking in the streets of my home city. My country really looks like a paradise, especially in spring and summer. It was sunny day; the air was soaked with a smell of flowers and leaves. Beautiful parks were full of young people. Some of them played ball, others were sitting with on the benches with girls. I saw one handsome roller boy; he looked at me and approached very fast.

“Look out”-I cried and jumped to other side. He smiled a little and grew speed.

“Idiot”-I said.

Finally, I came at home. My home is big and beautiful. I tried the guards not to see me. If they see me, surprise would frustrate. Lucky me, no one noticed how I entered into the house. There were many guests in. As it seems my brother had feast. Suddenly, I saw my Mother and Father sitting on the sofa.

“Mama, mama”-I cried and embraced her. She didn’t move. There were tears in her eyes. “Mama what’s wrong “– I asked. No answer.

“Daddy, what’s wrong with Mama” but still no answer. They listened to one stranger was talking with them:

“Mrs. and Mr. Margals we are very sorry. The air trip number 573 felt down. Because of strong wind, we can’t reach the place of catastrophe.” – He said.

I freeze…. It’s not possible. No, it can’t be true. What that stupid man tells. As it seems he mistakes.

“Mama, mama I’m here”-I cried loudly and jumped-“Mama, Daddy I am right here, can’t you see me?” – I cried louder and louder.

“My daughter can’t be dead”- said my Mamma-“No, she can’t be dead” Mam cried out hysterical. Suddenly, I understood why tax driver didn’t take my money, why the roller boy couldn’t see me. And why my parents were crying. They thought I was dead. I can’t be dead, because I see them, I am with them.

“Mamma, I am here. Don’t believe him Mama, he is lying, I am alive, Mama, Daddy look at me, Mamma….”I cried so loudly, that even deaf could hear my voice. I saw Mama’s tears falling on her new red dress. Tears were as red as dress and everything was red like blood.

“Mama, mama”- heared own voice.

“Doctor, she is waking up”- someone’s worried tone said. I opened my eyes with great difficulty. The nurse was looking at me.

“How are you Miss Kate?”-she asked

“I think fine, what happened? Where am I?”

“Don’t worry, everything gonna be ok, you are in hospital. Your plane had emergency fly over”- she explained-“you hurt a head but not too much, danger already passed”.

“Mam, where is my Mam?”

“We could not call to Georgia Miss Kate; the storm destroyed all lines. Now I think the telephone works. If you want, can make a call by yourself”-and she gave me the telephone.

You can imagine the joy and happiness, after this phone call.

After two days I flied to Paradise. Oh, no, I didn’t die; I just went at home in Georgia-earthly paradise.

Do you know, what the most strange is? After getting back home, I told Mam about my dream. She said: “Kate, that day I was in new red dress”.

Strange ha?


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User avatar
4124 Reviews


Points: 259685
Reviews: 4124

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Fri Aug 14, 2020 6:29 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Hmm...well this is missing quite a few grammar things but I think that's totally understandable and on the whole the story itself flows quite smoothly despite the grammar so that's great. The idea itself is really interesting. I love the reveal that you have here and its really nice to see. Definitely a really nice message embedded in there as well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

am from Georgia. Georgia (saqarTvelo) is also earthly paradise. I have lovely family, like other Georgians. My family owns Big Company and often it’s necessary to fly abroad for business. I am going to retell you the true story about one business trip.


Not the worst choice of opening paragraphs but it is a little too much like a summary here. I honestly think this story would be just fine if you got rid of this little opening part because this part isn't really all that necessary to enjoy the story and it just doesn't serve as that great of an opeing.

”I shall see my family after hours, that’s great”- I was very happy. The plane shook several times more, but I already slept.


Well this was some great foreshadowing right her. When you first read it seems like you're mentioning the plane shaking for something that doesn't really pay off but then you read the last part of this and oh boy does it pay off.

“Is not it enough Sir?”-I asked, he hanged his head. We didn’t passed long way, so this money was enough, but as it seems the driver did not sgree with me. Well, that day I was very happy and wanted others to be happy too. So I took 20 lari and put on the chair.


More great foreshadowing.

I felt great pleasure walking in the streets of my home city. My country really looks like a paradise, especially in spring and summer. It was sunny day; the air was soaked with a smell of flowers and leaves. Beautiful parks were full of young people. Some of them played ball, others were sitting with on the benches with girls. I saw one handsome roller boy; he looked at me and approached very fast.


This description could use a few more words right here. It sounds just a bit too rushed right here.

Finally, I came at home. My home is big and beautiful. I tried the guards not to see me. If they see me, surprise would frustrate. Lucky me, no one noticed how I entered into the house. There were many guests in. As it seems my brother had feast. Suddenly, I saw my Mother and Father sitting on the sofa.


I think that should be replaced by something like be ruined.

“Doctor, she is waking up”- someone’s worried tone said. I opened my eyes with great difficulty. The nurse was looking at me.

“How are you Miss Kate?”-she asked

“I think fine, what happened? Where am I?”

“Don’t worry, everything gonna be ok, you are in hospital. Your plane had emergency fly over”- she explained-“you hurt a head but not too much, danger already passed”.


This is a lovely reveal right here. It was definitely very satisfying to see all those dots connected and overall it was really well done. The scene with the mother seems pretty realistic too.

After two days I flied to Paradise. Oh, no, I didn’t die; I just went at home in Georgia-earthly paradise.

Do you know, what the most strange is? After getting back home, I told Mam about my dream. She said: “Kate, that day I was in new red dress”.

Strange ha?


This is definitely a lovely ending. I would definitely read this again. Its just such a lovely little story to read.

Aaand that's it for this one.

Overall: It was definitely a lot of fun to read this story and it made me feel things (this is rare) so I think this is really well done. I honestly barely noticed the grammar being off because the story itself was just so good. This is one of those reviews I really, really wish the author would one day have the chance to read because you should know this was a really good story...a little limited by some wayward grammar but honestly that's something that's easily fixed.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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721 Reviews


Points: 7241
Reviews: 721

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Tue May 13, 2008 4:19 pm
Azila wrote a review...



Hello there!

Could you please seperate your paragraphs before posting? If you have all your text bunched up like this it gets hard to read. For example, rather than:

There were five or six hours till landing, so I was lulling to sleep. The plane shook once or twice. It was because of wind. “No matter” I thought.
”I shall see my family after hours, that’s great”- I was very happy. The plane shook several times more, but I already slept.
The plane land.
“At last”- I said gaily-“I’m home”
It should be:
There were five or six hours till landing, so I was lulling to sleep. The plane shook once or twice. It was because of wind. “No matter” I thought.

”I shall see my family after hours, that’s great”- I was very happy. The plane shook several times more, but I already slept.

The plane land.

“At last”- I said gaily-“I’m home”


Also, please please check your grammar. :wink: I understand that English isn't your first language (and I also understand that English grammar can be confusing) but if there are a lot of grammar problems then it is hard for reviewers to focus on the real story.

If you need help with anything, feel free to PM me! :D
~Azila~





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