Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm...well this is missing quite a few grammar things but I think that's totally understandable and on the whole the story itself flows quite smoothly despite the grammar so that's great. The idea itself is really interesting. I love the reveal that you have here and its really nice to see. Definitely a really nice message embedded in there as well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
am from Georgia. Georgia (saqarTvelo) is also earthly paradise. I have lovely family, like other Georgians. My family owns Big Company and often it’s necessary to fly abroad for business. I am going to retell you the true story about one business trip.
Not the worst choice of opening paragraphs but it is a little too much like a summary here. I honestly think this story would be just fine if you got rid of this little opening part because this part isn't really all that necessary to enjoy the story and it just doesn't serve as that great of an opeing.
”I shall see my family after hours, that’s great”- I was very happy. The plane shook several times more, but I already slept.
Well this was some great foreshadowing right her. When you first read it seems like you're mentioning the plane shaking for something that doesn't really pay off but then you read the last part of this and oh boy does it pay off.
“Is not it enough Sir?”-I asked, he hanged his head. We didn’t passed long way, so this money was enough, but as it seems the driver did not sgree with me. Well, that day I was very happy and wanted others to be happy too. So I took 20 lari and put on the chair.
More great foreshadowing.
I felt great pleasure walking in the streets of my home city. My country really looks like a paradise, especially in spring and summer. It was sunny day; the air was soaked with a smell of flowers and leaves. Beautiful parks were full of young people. Some of them played ball, others were sitting with on the benches with girls. I saw one handsome roller boy; he looked at me and approached very fast.
This description could use a few more words right here. It sounds just a bit too rushed right here.
Finally, I came at home. My home is big and beautiful. I tried the guards not to see me. If they see me, surprise would frustrate. Lucky me, no one noticed how I entered into the house. There were many guests in. As it seems my brother had feast. Suddenly, I saw my Mother and Father sitting on the sofa.
I think that should be replaced by something like be ruined.
“Doctor, she is waking up”- someone’s worried tone said. I opened my eyes with great difficulty. The nurse was looking at me.
“How are you Miss Kate?”-she asked
“I think fine, what happened? Where am I?”
“Don’t worry, everything gonna be ok, you are in hospital. Your plane had emergency fly over”- she explained-“you hurt a head but not too much, danger already passed”.
This is a lovely reveal right here. It was definitely very satisfying to see all those dots connected and overall it was really well done. The scene with the mother seems pretty realistic too.
After two days I flied to Paradise. Oh, no, I didn’t die; I just went at home in Georgia-earthly paradise.
Do you know, what the most strange is? After getting back home, I told Mam about my dream. She said: “Kate, that day I was in new red dress”.
Strange ha?
This is definitely a lovely ending. I would definitely read this again. Its just such a lovely little story to read.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: It was definitely a lot of fun to read this story and it made me feel things (
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 259685
Reviews: 4124
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