Luis the fisherman is at sea,
Searching in the mid-Atlantic,
To find the true me,
Trying to capture the biggest,
But only the greats survive,
As it is called thee survival of the fittest,
Yet a young creature is not ready,
As it is the law,
Having to stay steady,
To take the biggest leap for humanity,
But with stress,
Their is no possible way keeping sanity,
I know this is all a test,
I do not plan on being perfect,
But i will strongly try my best,
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I really enjoyed this poem. But I just have a few little issues with this...
I really admire you for trying out rhyming schemes as its a very good thing for poetry. However, if you are going to try it just keep it going... It is really effective when rhyming works, but when it doesn't its just really stressful to me.
However I do enjoy the emotional connection you made and it is really good. Keep it up.
Hi there and welcome to YWS!!! Your poem is good, and I liked but there are a few things I wish to point out.
First off, let me just say you did and excellent job in the beginning of the poem with keeping up the rhythm scheme. HOWEVER, about mid way through you just kind of started jumping around.
Biggest and Fittest worked well but in between you had SURVIVE and then after Fittest you had Ready.
Now I understand that READY and STEADY go together, but what about SURVIVE??? It just doesn't read smoothly is all I'm saying.
But I enjoyed your poem. So keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi,
First and foremost, your poem was good and you know what: I love oceon!
Oh! Welcome to YWS!
It was simple but it explained much. But try to remember: you could add more things into this piece. And don't forget the punctuation that you used: They could be a miracle in your poem.
Lets see: you only used commas. You should add some dots to make this poem easier to read. But poem always has its freedom boundless!
By the way, you should add comma after "Luis" in the first line.
Please keep writing as I would love to read your next piece. I hope this helped!
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
Welcome to YWS!
So I'm a little low on time so I'm going to keep it short and sweet.
"Trying to capture the biggest,
But only the greats survive,
As it is called thee survival of the fittest,"
Here you lose the rhythm. The rest of your poem rhymes on every other line (Sorry, not good with 'meters') I'm not sure if you're trying to get biggest and fittest to rhyme but if so, it's not working. Even it it did work, that wouldn't be correct. You would need the last word in the line after "As it is called thee survival of the fittest," to rhyme with 'Survive' based on how the rest of your poem is set up. (Was that clear?) Just look over that area again and try to keep the same pattern going.
Also, on the last line you need to capitalize the "i".
Other than that, this work was wonderful. I hope to see more work from you soon!
-ChocolateCello
Thank you, i appreciate the advice, Next peice of writing I'll remember that.