Lost

by Snoweary

  • Poetry
  • Lyrical

Published October 27, 2011

Spoiler! :
A random poetry. It express the feeling of a girl who never really appreciate her lover. Her lover's sudden death makes her regret over her actions and makes her realize how important the man in her life. Er..typical. :D


I was young back then.
Take seconds in making decision.
For every tear you shed
When I am to blame
Forgive me.


I shouldn’t do it
moments later I’ve done it.
The grief that consumed you
when i am the cause,
I am sorry.

Regrets and remorse
Lingered inside me.
I knew it is a burden
when you lost me.
Unbearable.

But now I am the one.
To take all the pain
To walk this life
Without you beside me.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Niebla
Review
Niebla wrote a review Review · Oct 27, 2011

I like the general idea of it and think it could be quite nice. However, there are a few things which just don't quite make sense to me and I think you should change a little.

Take seconds in making decision.


This just doesn't sound right. Change it to something that makes a little more sense, for instance: "Taking seconds to make each decision".

For every tears you shed


You need to change this, too, as the line just doesn't quite make sense. Try "For every tear you shed" or "For all the tears you shed".

The grieve that consumed you


I think that should be the grief that consumed you.

I shouldn’t do it
moments later I’ve done it.
The grieve that consumed you
Not by accident I am the cause
I am sorry.


I would change this stanza slightly overall to make it sound a bit better.

Although I know I shouldn't do it,
Moments later, I've done it.
The grief that consumed you
Wasn't an accident; I was the cause.
I am sorry.


I knew the burden you take


This line doesn't sound quite right either. I'd change it to something else, for instance, "I knew the burden you held" or "I knew the burden you carried".
But now I am the one.
To take all the pain
To walk this life
Without you beside me.


I can't find anything wrong with your last stanza, and I like how it's quite simple but very effective.

I would enjoy reading it a lot more, though, if you went over it and changed a few things which just don't quite sound right at the moment.

Random avatar
missbookworm
Review
missbookworm wrote a review Review · Oct 27, 2011

There is a lot of emotion behind this poem and I like it! First things first: punctuation. Periods aren't enough for most of your sentences. You need commas, semi-colons, etc., in order for this to make sense. Also take a look at some of your language especially in your first lines. Some of your sentences don't make sense when you read them back to yourself. I definitely recommend that you read everything back to yourself before you submit so you can hear if any line sounds particularly wonky. I love the idea behind this poem and I hope that you revise and develop it further so we can see how it turns out. Best of luck to you and happy writing!
Jess



This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot