“It’s kind of like air,” she said, placing another spoonful of the whipped cream into her eager mouth, “Delicious, decadent air.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at her current state of sugar induced contentment, my mind momentarily taken off of the monstrous history book sitting on the table in front of me. It was crazy, the complete different perspective on schoolwork she and I had.
“You know, Ana,” I began with a hint of teasing in my voice, “We have to have thirty pages of this beauty read by tomorrow. Thirty.”
She looked up from her milkshake for a split second to roll her eyes at me, sighing heavily. She playfully patted the dreadful book with a light hand and shook her head. There was no way she was planning on opening the book even once before third period tomorrow… not a chance.
“Oh, Wendy,” she said with her mouth full of ice cream, “My little Wendy. What on earth am I gonna do with you?”
I shrugged, partially annoyed yet almost envious of her carefree attitude toward just about everything in the world. I transferred the heavy book from the table to my open bag, knowing I would get way more accomplished in the solitary confines of my own room.
“Someone has to do the worrying around here, you know,” I said, getting up from the comfy booth and preparing myself for the cold weather awaiting me beyond the cozy coffee shop’s walls.
“True,” she replied, her eyebrows raised, “Very true. Glad it’s not me.” I force myself to smile, but I can feel frustration beginning to build up inside me. When had I become such an uptight adult?
“Yeah,” I muttered, “Must be nice.”
She followed me out the door, her boots loudly colliding with the dry pavement. The sun had already disappeared even though we had just gotten out of school a few hours before, but the city was still alive and thriving. People filled the streets, my ears overwhelmed with the tail ends of conversations about dinner plans and the like.
“You’re staying the night, right?”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
First of all, your words flowed well and your grammar, unlike a lot of people's, was good. The story seemed interesting. I was a little disappointed at where you ended this part of it. However, you seemed to do a good job giving a basic overview of your character's personalities, something a lot of people don't do. Great job.
As for Lava and Esther Sylvester, this is just a excerpt from a chapter, I read it when I was looking through the literary choices, you know in that little blurp that is listed below the tittle of the book when they are listen in the literary section. Snow I do agree with Lave, Esther and Demeter in their critiques. I think that what you have so far is good but it doesn't really glue me to my seat and make me never want to leave. Now i know that it may sound hard to induce those feelings in the reader but judging from what you have written so far I know you can do it.
I love Ana's character, although I more relate to Wendy. Speaking of relating to characters that's one of the thing's i enjoyed about your writing, you make the characters seem real, not like something out of a person's imagination.
Your writing is easy to follow and understand, plus it is enjoyable to read. the only thing I think you should work on is details. I was left wondering where the characters were and exactly how old they were. Now good luck, can't wait to read more!
Snooow!
Your way of writing is so tasty. I can't really even describe why it appeals to me so much, but it's just so smooth and effortless and grammatical. You build sentences so well with main clauses and subordinate clauses, and you vary between so it's never boring. In short, it's well-rounded and versatile. And I like it very much.
So which is it that she's having? Whipped cream made me think of ice cream with cream on top, but then you said it was milkshake, and then you said it was ice cream. o: Milkshake and ice cream are different things, so while I understand that you don't want to sound repetitive, you can't really use these interchangeably. Also, if it's milkshake, it probably doesn't have any whipped cream? So I'm leaning towards ice cream. If you want to mention it again but not sound repetitive, say "the dairy deliciousness" or something. xD
I really liked how you were able to make the characters sound like different people in such a short extract. Major points for doing it via dialogue and mannerisms, and not just telling us what they're like.
As an extract this is a very pleasant read! Not sure if I'm "hooked" enough to find out more, but you seem like a talented writer, which pleases me. ^_^ Thank you!
Demeter
x
Hey Snow!
Like Esther asked, is this a chapter of a novel or novella?
And I really enjoyed the beginning. It's something we've all done, something that most of us enjoy and it strikes a chord within us. Cheerios!
However, as you progress it seems like a little scene of a longer story. And in this short scene we don't end up caring much about the MCs. So try to create a better hook. I found the last para almost dull. As if trying to express the mundanity of the setting. Which is all good, except after that you throw in that line which is supposedly like a hook. Which doesn't work and ends up like a cheap ploy by the writer. So, work on this some more.
You've developed your characters pretty well - they have a good amount of solid backgorund about them and it looks like you know them pretty well.
I noticed you had written 'force' instead of 'forced' I believe.
You have a good flow and you've written it well. So keep up the awesomosity!
Cheers and happy new year!
Snow,
How lucky of you to have managed to get such a lovely username. Usually words like "Snow" are taken first, and I know this site is old. Anyway, on to the review. Please remember that the review to literatary post is 2:1. For every work you submit, you should try to have two reviews. That way, everyone gets a review.
Firstly, I must ask, is this a chapter? Most chapters are at least three times bigger than this. If this is a *section* of a novel chapter, please note it as such. I will review it like it is a whole chapter.
Your writing has a nice flow to it. I found myself easily going from one word to the next. You easily established the characters in such little time, and I commend you for that. However, the lack of description here leaves me curious. Where are these characters? At first, I imagined them outside at a picnic table, but you said they were inside.
Whenever your characters are in a new place, you should take a bit of time to establish the setting. If the setting isn't that important, you don't need to describe it much, but readers simply must know that it's there. Sprinkle little tidbits about the environment throughout your story. These "tidbits" do three things 1) They make your story more vivid 2) They make your story longer 3) They make the readers feel like you put in more effort.
Next up, if this is a first chapter, it needs a stronger hook. Having an intro with two characters talking about school isn't going to intice the readers to keep reading no matter how well written it is. Something interesting should happen soon, or people will drop your novel like its a hot coal.
Okay, that's it! Please contact me if you have any questions. I think that you are a very good writer. You just have to include "more" with this piece. Please remember to label if this is a section of a chapter. I don't think it qualifies as a short story at its current standing.
Esther Sylvester