Young Writers Society

Eek, thanks for the critique!

This piece is really quite old though... so I think its time has come to be locked!

To Snoink,



I rather like this short story, find it cute
Cliche's shouldnt matter, if the cliche is really how you feel, the same goes with loving someone. shouldnt matter with gender or colour if you really love them.

I know im only 15, but I find that your a very promising writer


Best of luck, Sophiee-Rose

So is this the beginning of something or just a little ditty?

Not bad, but because of the anonomous characters it feels detached and editorialized. Fiction shouldn't have to be editorialized. It should speak for itself and the characters should sway the emotions of the reader.

If this were to be an opening statement I would either: make sure the characters are quickly set in stone right after this, in order to capture the readers attention and hold him/her there; or I would rewrite this showing and not telling the emotions that are felt by both her and him.

Keep writing!

Don't mind them talking about cliches. It's ok sometimes. I do have one question... Why did you not try to create any sort of character association? This almost sounds like your mind wandering. A rant if you will >< (or maybe notes)

I think it is beautiful. So heart felt. It expresses what needs to be expressed.

I noticed you never applied a male or female tag to these two. At first i thought it was a girl scientist cause (Not be sexist) you're a girl. But now that i think about it it could be two guys or a guy scientist.

Yeah i think it's great. If this was part of a love story novel thingy it would fit somewhere nicely i think.

It's so sweet. When it comes to love, perfection is imperfect.

Snoink,


This clunks through like you slapped it together without thought. The paragraph PImp has pulled is the only paragraph here even close to matching the voice and elegance of some of FREAK's finer moments.

In a piece as short as this, I wonder why it's stuffed with a hailstorm of cliches ("I don't know how to love," anyone?)--probably because, instead of showing us these things, you just told us them, and as a result, they fell flat and boring. As it is a letter, you're simply going to have to find better and more evocative language to manage this. That, or cut back the length and standard repetition.

I think starting from the aforementioned paragraph and working from there is your best choice.


Best,
Brad

Ah well, you have a fragment of a point, Snoink, in your blog. o.0

I remember reading in a science magazine that scientists studying Creation were debating whether our universe would just expand forever or collapse on itself and restart anew. At the time, I had hoped that we would expand forever so that we could remain intact, together in the dying stars for all of eternity, but now I see that I am wrong. Things change, but they start again, always. They grow and grow until they can’t grow anymore and then they stop – and grow some more. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before, that things change, that the universe is a living thing, but I didn’t. Are you ashamed of me?

Well, it's very eloquent, but it's kind of cliche, I'd have to see it in the entire context of the story to really like it.

'cracked a wisecrack'

need I say more?

I love the way you can make me feel helpless. You really were the stronger one of both of us. Yes, I pretended to be the stronger one, but my strength lies in tearing us apart.

I like this part because it sounds like nothing I've heard before. Maybe I haven't heard enough but I do like it.

Good stuff Snoink!