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No, we're not all born writers...

by Snoink

The Ultimate Ride

Chapter 1

Natalie shuddered. Why did her friends persuade her to go to Taprato theme park? All her friends ever did was go to the big rides and ignore the so-called baby rides that were set aside for kids who were too little.

Taprato wasn’t a really big theme park. It didn’t have a lot of attractions, but the ones that were there were pretty exciting. There were only a few rides for the smaller folks, to appeal to the whole crowd.

They were cruising around the places where the biggest, scariest rides were, with absolutely no safe haven for people who can’t even stand even kiddie rides.

Was she drunk when she said she would go on the fastest, not to mention collasal and scariest roller coster there?

She could still remember clearly her first roller when she three. It was not a happy memory and she intended never to go on them again. Why did her friends convince her to come here?

She sighed. It wasn’t because of her friends. As much as she would like it to be her friends faults it was because of Heidi Myers.

She glared at Heidi who was sitting next to her already strapped in. She looked impatient, waiting for the other people to get in. Heidi noticed Natalie was glaring at her and smiled sweetly.

Heidi was that kind of person who was so popular that you just hated her. She was extremely spoiled and was that sort of person who was extremely snotty.

Natalie’s friends were already arch enemies with her. In fact, they teamed up together in third grade and swore they would get even with her. So far they haven’t had their revenge. Nevertheless even if they did get their vengaence they would never seperate. They were too happy with each other to ever do a thing like that.

What an odd bunch of friends they were. If you looked at them hard even you would just think it was just a coinencidence that they happened to be walking together. They hardly payed attention to each other except when they wanted to draw their friend’s attention to something, and that wasn’t a lot.

Her friends had left her over near a bench so they could go to that newest ride they’ve never been on before. She was left alone, when an enemy, Heidi Myers, came on her and dared her to go on the fastest, scariest ride. Natalie accepted as long as Heidi came with her. And now she was stuck.

Well she was already strapped in tight and was hoping she could just get it over with. The engines started up and made her go up,up,up,up,up, then suddenly straight down. She screamed just for the pure joy of it. This was cool.

She looked over at Heidi who was next to her, grinning. Heidi’s teeth were bared like a dog who can smell an intruder in the house, and her face was red as an apple. Little droplets of sweat appeared on her forehead. Her eyes were shut tightly.

This was probably Heidi’s first ride and from the looks of it, it seemed like she wasn’t enjoying it. She was trying her best not to scream and somehow made it through the ride without screaming once.

The ride stopped too soon and Natalie and her arch enemy had to get off. Heidi looked quite relieved when it stopped and the flush went away.

Natalie knew it wasn’t polite to gloat but she couldn’t help it. Since she didn’t want to be rude she decided to politely gloat.

“That was a wonderful experience, would you like to have another ride?” Heidi just glared at her.

“You don’t?” she asked pretending to sound surprised. “Well at least I should thank you for exposing me to roller costers.” She did a phony bow.

“You really know how to get in ones’ nerves,” Heidi mumbled looking away at some garbage.

“Of course I can’t get on your nerves. What do think I am? A brain surgeon?”

“Have you ever met one?”


“Well you will when we meet Lisel.”

“There you are!” Crystal yelled. “We were looking everywhere for you.”

“Where were you?” asked Denise eyeing Heidi curiously.

“We had a little dare that we had to do,” she said and then began describing her adventures.

Heidi was looking around for an exit. Unfortunately her group made a little mistake on where they were to meet and Heidi’s admirers were probably looking for her now.

Besides, it was rude going away. Not that she cared right now about being polite. She was worried that if she tried to leave they would surround her or something like that.

“So you like roller costers finally. That makes Taprato a better place for you,” Crystal said smiling. “Well I guess Heidi Myers isn’t as bad as we thought. Wait til we show you some really cool rides we can go on!”

“There was one thing that was wrong with your lady impression,” Heidi said to no one in particular. “You curtsy, not bow.” They just ignored her. She was talking nonsense to herself and that was expected.

“There’s just one little problem,” Denise said softly as if she was afraid to admit it.

“What?” Natalie asked worried. By the sound her voice she did not want to hear what Denise was about to say. She prepared herself for the worst.

“We told your mom that we lost you.” Denise shrugged helplessly.

“What?” exploded Natalie. You did what? I hope you have plenty of black dresses because you’ll need them for my funeral!”

“We didn’t know that you were going to,” Crystal began and stopped as soon as she started hearing someone humming “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.” She glared at Heidi. Heidi looked up into the sky and started whistling innocently.

“We didn’t know that you were going to pop up so soon so we told you’re mom,” continued Crystal. Besides, we don’t have much time left.”

“If I could have anything, I would like time,” Natalie said rolling her eyes. “If I only had a time machine or something.” She laughed and announced, “When that happens I will never be late for gym and have all the time to get my report done.”

“Not only that, but we could get our history project a decent grade,” Denise dreamed. The others looked at here like she was crazy. “It’s true,” she said shrugging. “If we want to just a touch of a button we could go in the past and find out what is really is like. I bet it would be more enjoyable that way too.”

“Do you always like doing that?” Heidi demanded.

“Doing what?” asked Denise, surprised.

“Shrugging your shoulders. In this little talk that you had, I’ve counted twelve times which you shrugged.”

“I’m glad you can count,” muttered Natalie.

Heidi glared at her and then continued. “Why do you always shrug your shoulders?” Denise shrugged. Heidi looked like she was going to rip out her hair.

“Ahem,” a polite but urgent cough came right behind Natalie She turned around quickly and saw a woman standing next to her who really caught her eye.

Where did she come from? It seemed almost so normal that it was strange. What especially puzzled her was the fact that she didn’t hear anyone sneak up. A chill went up her spine.

“What are your names please,” the strange woman said.

She looked and sounded so much like an adult and it took a moments realization that this was a kid like them. Her clothes seemed so out of date that she stifled a laugh.

They looked like a cross between work clothes, hippies, and a robe which really stood out here. Her hair was neatly in a bun with some originality that the girls hadn’t seen before. She wore no make-up.

She twitched often and looked around nervously as if someone was watching her. She resembled a cat that Denise brought from the animal shelter, always looking for trouble.

“What are your names please,” she repeated a little more impatiently.

Natalie looked around wondering who she was talking to. Everyone else was not noticing them, even though she was very conspicious.

Although it was evident that she was talking to them, Natalie wondered if this was a mistake. She had never seen this girl before.

The most puzzling fact was that she knew their meeting wasn’t supposed to happen. It confused her because she never knew about what the future was but somehow she knew that this was wrong. Even worse, this feeling would never be ignored and would not go away.

“Are you talking to us?” Crystal asked uncertain. It was clear she had that awkward feeling also.

“Yes, you. How can I be mistake you? Now what’s your names?”

“What is this a questionaire thing?” Natalie asked giggling nervously.

“Excuse me but we need to go back home. We don’t have much time to spend with you,” Crystal said casually in a brisk, businesslike way.

“Oh you have more time than you think.” While they were thinking on what to say back Heidi stepped in.

“What are those clothes?” Heidi asked in disgust.

“Oh, just something I have.” She sounded as if she didn’t want them to know about this strange clothing. Heidi took a step forward to touch the strange fabric.

The girl flinched and looked as she might attack Heidi, as her hand reached out to fingered the fabric. Heidi backed away surprised at the sudden movement. The girl sighed and held out a bunch of that fabric out to Heidi.

Heidi touched and rubbed it with her fingers thoughtfully. Then she stepped back with a puzzled look. “What is that fabric? It feels weird.”

“I asked you first. What are your whole names?”

Usually they never told their names to a stranger, but she seemed just like them. Besides, she might realize that she had the wrong people and go away. They doubted that she could hurt them or anything, especially as a team.

“Natalie Williams.”

“Denise Gunnly.”

“Crystal Shermak.”

“This is great,” she said with a strange gleam of anticipation in her eyes. They looked at each other. Why did she want them? How did she know them. They weren’t famous for anything except flunking history.

“Now what’s yours?” She nodded her head towards Heidi.

“Heidi Myers.”

“Heidi Myers!?” she asked in pure disgust and hatred. “You’re kidding, right?” She looked at her confused face and then sighed, “No, I suppose you aren’t kidding. She sighed again. “Heidi Myers?” she said again more calmly but still showing her strong antipathy for her. She shook her head sadly.

“Is there anything wrong with me?” she asked sweetly hoping she could somehow make a rude remark about her.

“Yes, but you will know that fault later.”

“You’re weird,” she mumbled and went away.

“Well I’m glad that imbecile is gone,” the stranger said happily clapping her hands enthusiastically.

The group hid a smile. Anyone who had left Heidi speechless like that deserved a pat on the back. Probably she was even worth giving information to.

The strange girl looked on as Heidi left and finally when she was out of sight she continued.

“Now we can go to business. There’s this new ride out and I would like for you to try it out.”

“You work here?” one of her friends Denise asked. It was a pretty dumb question to ask. If someone tells you that they want you to try out a new ride it almost obvious that they worked there.

“It’s a living,” she replied sighing. “Now will you stop straying from the subject and answer my question?”

“I never heard of this new ride, what’s it called?” Crystal asked. Her life’s dream was to ride on all the roller costers in the world. So far she had barely even started this goal, but she could always dream.

“It’s call the Blackhole and the reason you never heard of it is because it just came out.”

The three smiled at each other. Since this was a super small theme park there was rarely a new ride. If Taprato created one it was going to be worth the trouble to get there. And maybe it would be worth stand the wrath as their moms grounded them.

“I think the people at the front would at least tell us a little about this ride,” Natalie said reasonably.

“The people in the front are dimwits. They are still wondering what a cow is.” She stopped here and frowned. “I hope you know what it is,” she said, glaring at them, expecting an answer.

“It’s a cud chewing grazer with horns,” Denise said, rolling her eyes, like it was the easiest question.

“I see your not as stupid as them,” she remarked, looking away as if she were bored.

“But if you work with them why do you hate them so much?” Crystal asked, knitting her brows.

“If I work with them it doesn’t mean I have to love them,” she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

“Okay,” Denise said making the ‘o’ sound long. That was definately not the answer she expected to hear.

“I will answer your first question with the most honest and obvious answer I can,” Crystal replied rolling her eyes. “If it’s boring no. If it’s fun, exciting, and an adventure I’ll go on it.”

“What do you think this theme park has to offer?” She rolled her eyes and continued. “It certainly exciting and it is an adventure but you must decide whether it’s fun or not,” she answered.

“Okay,” they agreed together.

“Good,” she said smiling in that weird way she had. “I’ll tell you what you should expect while we go there.”

“A friend of mine and I thought why don’t we build a roller coster in Taprato that we design to be unique and educational at the same time. So we devised a track, gave it a name and set it here. As you know, it’s name is The Blackhole because it feels like you’re going through one. Anyhow we set it up today and we’re looking for some brave volunteers to try it.”

“Maybe we should turn back,” muttered Crystal to her friends. The strange girl heard it too and then stopped and looked at them.

“Why should you turn back?” She asked sharply, looking very displeased.

“I have this sort of grudge against educational rides.” Crystal made a face. “No offense or anything but it sounds boring.”

“It’s anything but boring.” The girl continued walking. “You would meet a few famous people from different times.”

“Ask how many cardboard cut-outs there are,” Natalie mouthed silently to her friends. They smirked.

“It’s something you would call the ultimate ride.” The girl said, unaware that they were laughing silently behind her back. “Don’t worry though. If the historical part doesn’t make you happy I sure you’ll like to know that it’s fastest roller coster on earth, now.”

They looked at each other and somehow they knew that this girl was out of her mind. I mean, how can you have it educational and fast? It’s basically impossible.

Maybe they could find a way to trick her or something so that she would leave them alone. They wished that they never ever met her and hadf given their names to her so that she wouldn’t remain attach to them. Was there a way they could distract her and then sneak away? Maybe, but at the moment they could just cross their fingers.

The strange girl obviously knew they were going to chicken out or try to lose her, so she said quickly before they tried to escape, “Then again I’m only looking for the bravest people. I’ve already got a eight-year old kid and his parents; who else do I need?”

“We’re in,” they said in chorus. No way they were going to let that eight-year old kid and his family top them.

They also hated the way that this girl acted with them. Although she tried not to show them they realized that she was very arrogant. Maybe she would respect them more if they went on this ride.

Then again, it’s good to know what the purposes of this ride are for.

Oh yes, and I wrote this with every intention of publishing it. Look at it carefully and try to spot the mistakes.

Is this a review?



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Thu Sep 22, 2005 7:17 pm
AngelBaby88 says...

Whoops...thats ok... 8)

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Thu Sep 22, 2005 4:48 pm
Beethoven says...

Oh, you cruel little devil! I *had* a full critique worked out (well, mostly just on grammar) but then I wondered how serious you were, looked at the end, saw your note, and thus figured you weren't serious and discarded it. But be full aware that I SHALL NOW BE HARSH! 11-year-old Snoink or not. :P

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Thu Sep 22, 2005 6:20 am
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Snoink says...

Beethoven wrote:Are you testing me?


I spotted your mistakes, but I assume since you noted them, you're.... I don't know, I can never figure you out. Anyhow, I got confused during dialogue, mostly in the beginning.

Sounds interesting, though.


Okay, okay, you saw through my evil plan. I was curious about the responses, since I wanted to see how tactfully people would react to this chapter (it gets worse next chapter; believe me). Mostly, it's just curiosity. When I wrote this, I was eleven, and I didn't want to show this to anyone. Finally, when I let my mom read it, she laughed at this one part (it turns out that "Heidi Myers" was a real person she knew...) and I, embarrassed, put down my story and didn't want to write this story ever again.

So, I wanted to find out how well people could respond to this, and how helpful they could be. Aren't I evil?

With that in mind, Beet, I expect a full critique on this. Think of it as honing your skills in critiquing. Yes, it's all part of my evil plan! Just remember... a tempermental eleven year old wrote this. Be nice, yet constructive. :)

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Wed Sep 21, 2005 8:08 pm
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Beethoven says...

Oh, lol, I was speaking to Snoink at the time. Sorry for the confusion ^_^

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Wed Sep 21, 2005 8:05 pm
AngelBaby88 says...

Are you poking fun at me...i only meant it sounded like something Ive heard not actually read...You are one werid cookie :roll:

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67 Reviews

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Reviews: 67

Wed Sep 21, 2005 7:19 pm
AngelBaby88 says...

what are you talking about :?

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53 Reviews

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Reviews: 53

Tue Sep 20, 2005 8:05 pm
Beethoven wrote a review...

Are you testing me?


I spotted your mistakes, but I assume since you noted them, you're.... I don't know, I can never figure you out. Anyhow, I got confused during dialogue, mostly in the beginning.

Sounds interesting, though.

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67 Reviews

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Reviews: 67

Tue Sep 20, 2005 7:52 pm
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AngelBaby88 says...

It sounds like a story ive heard before...overall its pretty good...keep it up

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Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:57 pm
yoha_ahoy wrote a review...

Wow. That's awesome! I loved it. I'm hoping there will be more in the near future... riiight? :) Very suspenseful and kind of odd, in a good way though. Awesome story.

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
— Elbert Hubbard