Published August 31, 2011
ACT I
Scene 1
(Lights up.)
MACY
Brian, I'll see you later...
BRIAN
Nope. You're going someplace awesome, and I'm coming!
(MACY laughs.)
MACY
If only you knew.
Brian
Which is why I'm following you!
MACY
I really need to go. Brian. I'll miss you...
BRIAN
Um... sure, Macy. You too?
MACY
I'm serious.
BRIAN
About what?
MACY
About missing you. I will, a whole bunch.
Brian
That's what I thought after the accident. But hey, we saw each other again! All's well that ends well!
(MACY looks down, while BRIAN still is confused.)
BRIAN
Macy...
MACY
Bye!
(MACY hugs BRIAN tightly, then begins to exit quickly, until she is across the stage from BRIAN. when BRIAN calls out to her, she stops.)
BRIAN
Hey, Macy, quit acting so weird. It's freaking me out.
MACY
Brian, don't make this harder.
Brian
Oh gosh Macy, don't tell me you knocked your head getting out of your car this morning.
(MACY goes back over to BRIAN)
MACY
No. I got knocked in the head in the accident.
BRIAN
(melo-dramatically)
Sounds like a horror film! Dun dun dun... The accident.
Macy
I hit my head.
Brian
You got a little bloodied and bruised. They said so.
MACY
"They", the doctors, I guess, aren't real, Brian...
BRIAN
(suspicious)
What do you know that I don't?
Macy
(softly)
I know that this is fake, because I'm supposed to die today. Like, in a couple minutes... I should go...
(MACY hugs BRIAN again, who's even more confused.)
Macy
I NEED to go.
Brian
(jokingly)
Or what? The Grim Reaper's gonna throw a fit? Come on, Macy, the bus is going to leave without us.
Macy
(disbelief)
Is everything a joke to you?
BRIAN
Macy, you're going loco. You're saying you're dying. You're saying this isn't real. Is today April 1st?
MACY
No, June 32nd.
Brian
June 32nd? Get real, Macy. Let's go, we're seriously gonna miss our ride! Your plan failed, now let's go!
Macy
The month expired. Since time doesn't 'technically' pass at the moment, months don't exactly stop.
Brian
(laughing)
Can't you wait for June 99th or something to die?
MACY
Brian, it's not funny. I can wait as long as I want, but you have to get on that bus sooner or later, and you won't get a move on until I do. So I have to go, before you miss the final bus.
Brian
Final bus? One bus comes per each day. No final buses.
Macy
You don't understand, do you? I died in the accident, but you lived. But if you don't get on that bus soon... you're going to die too. Brian, I'll truly miss you.
Brian
Macy, please stop, you're acting kinda-
Macy
Just get on the bus!
(MACY starts walking away, but BRIAN stops her)
BRIAN
Not without you.
(MACY smiles weakly for a moment, and she suddenly seems much more vulnerable than before.)
MACY
I'm really going to miss you.
Brian
(suddenly understanding)
This is for real, isn't it?
(MACY says nothing. BRIAN looks afraid.)
Brian
Macy I can't go without you...
Macy
But you will.
(MACY leaves BRIAN staring longingly after her. Then, MACY runs back onstage more cheerfully.)
Macy
One more thing.
(MACY kisses his cheek, then steps back. They stare at each other for a moment, then MACY smiles, and walks more confidently away. BRIAN smiles sadly after her in a bittersweet moment.)
BRIAN
Goodbye, Macy... I'll see you again some day.
(He exits the opposite way. Lights out.)
(Thanks for reading! I wrote this on the program CeltX for Macs, which has really nice formatting... but it all went away when I copied and pasted it here, xD! I'd appreciate it, if anybody's familiar with Thespians(Jr. Thespians for me, I'm in 8th grade. It's bascially the acting club) and one of the I.E.'s(individual events) is playwriting. I'm really hoping to submit this(if you'd tell me if it seems adequate for a competition? Link to the competition Playwriting page: http://www.fljrthespian.com/juniorthesp ... riting.htm)
and I need as much critique on it as I can! Feel free to be insulting, I love insults! AKA "Constructive Critisicm")
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139,219 Literary Works • 672,513 Reviews
Hey Snikkia
My major problem with this script is that you don't tell us any setting. I know it's a script and in scripts you tend to have more dialogue and less description. However a setting is still important. Yes scripts are to be performed and not read but you still need to give a sense of place, a sense of time and sense of setting just like prose.
Something as simple as - 'Lights come up on an empty white room. Just a bench and a bus stop can be seen in the centre of the stage.'
It just gives a sense of what the piece is going to be like and helps the initial reader picture the scenes in their head. Don't be afraid to put in description and don't just rely on dialogue.
Adding to this, don't be afraid to put a few thoughts of the characters in there. It helps people get a sense of who they are and helps the actors when it comes to interpreting the characters so they they can perform them effectively.
I'm guessing this needs to be a relatively short piece? Which is cool but the pace of this piece is kind of relentless. There aren't really any quiet moments where the characters pause and take stock. It's just kind of a relentless back and forth of dialogue. Again don't be afraid to add description of pauses, of moments, just like you would in prose. Scriptwriting isn't just about the dialogue that the characters say to each other.
I like the idea of this piece though. How he has to catch a bus because he survived the crash. It's a really nice idea. I just think it needs to be executed a little better. You need time to show us what these characters actually mean to each other before we can experience the sadness they feel about being apart.
Just keep in mind that the actors won't do everything for you. They need good writing to go off of.
I hope that helped and wasn't too harsh
If you have any questions then just feel free to PM me!
Bex x
This was a nice piece!
The formatting is a little goofy, but it makes sense that it happened when you copied and pasted it here. Maybe next time you post a script you could bold the name before their action to make it a bit easier to tell which is speaking and action rather than just their name. Either way that's just a minor thing and something that you could improve on. Again, I'm sure the formatting on your program is amazing, so this is just advice for when you put it on YWS.
In the beginning I found Brian was very annoying. He was too joking about everything, and seemed like a very cliche character. That went away as Macy started to convince him that she wasn't crazy and that this was how it was.
By the end it was a very tragic moment, and you did a great job writing it. You conveyed the emotion of it perfectly.
One thing that REALLY REALLY annoyed me was when you mentioned the "bittersweet moment". We could tell it was bittersweet, writing it down seems more like you're trying to club us over the head with it. We can figure that much out, we ARE reading it, or seeing it I suppose. Anyways that's just annoying in the script.
Follow the basic rule of writing, show, don't tell. Even though that is mostly for novels and short stories, the same applies for scripts in a lesser form. Don't say the moment was bittersweet, show it through their actions that the moment was bittersweet.
This is very good, and I liked it quite a bit!Keep writing!
its nice .. I really like the idea the fault which i find here i, its seem like a play don't start the dialogue with the name put" "s it will help you
keep up the work!!!
keep up the work with making it a story form a play..
This part sounds a little strange to me.
Then having the name in all caps then having them like this: Brian is a little confusing. It looks a little disjointed. I enjoyed it, and I'd like to know what happened before. Have you considered writing a beginning to this script to explain what happened to Macy and Brain? If not, you should! It's really good! I like how you use a bus, rather than sparkly lights or something. It's unique. Good job!