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Short Elf story

by Smilykid


A short story about an elf named Uruvion and his friend/ girlfriend, Niva. Enjoy!

Uruvion sniffed the cold, rancid air of the night. Being an elf he had better sense of smell than any human. Throughout the 203 years of his life, Uruvion had seen many horrors... including, the extermination of his race. The human. A barbaric, murderous race. He and Niva were the last of their kind. Niva nudged his arm, interrupting his flashback.

"They're moving," she whispered thrashing back her long hair.

Three large Orks marched by as Uruvion strung his bow. Niva on the other hand was an Elf more suited for close-range combat. He knocked an arrow and struck down an Ork with blinding swiftness. Niva had already assassinated two others. Uruvion came down out of the clearing took his wand from its pouch. He upheld the magic from deep inside him and screamed, " Voltrus!" In a flash of light every Ork in the camp was incinerated. Silence finally lurked through the starry night.

"The map has to be here somewhere," exclaimed Niva as she shuffled through some papers.

Her voice was firm and strong, yet graceful and smooth. Uruvion joined her in searching for the map. The map... the one thing that held their destinies so tightly. The map to Avalon was the secret. Rumors were going around that elves had been spotted. But, Uruvion was very skeptical. On the other hand Niva seemed to have more hope, which sparked some in him too.

"I found it!" Niva rose a folded paper in the air.

Excited, they sat it down on a desk and unwrapped it. It showed all of Avalon from the Merian ocean, to the Avalon forest. She tied it once again and put it in her tunic. Uruvion and Niva slowly walked out of the Ork camp and came to their beautiful white steed. Niva made clicking sounds, and the horse came to her without restraint. The sound of an explosing rang through the night shocking them all.

"Humans!" shouted Uruvion mounting his horse.

They quickly sped off away from the danger that they feared. But, to their dismay a band of armed soldiers waited for them at their escape route. This time they wouldn't get away so easy...

So I hoped you liked it. It's my first post so I would like compliments and critiques.


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Wed Oct 26, 2022 4:56 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Uruvion sniffed the cold, rancid air of the night. Being an elf he had better sense of smell than any human. Throughout the 203 years of his life, Uruvion had seen many horrors... including, the extermination of his race. The human. A barbaric, murderous race. He and Niva were the last of their kind. Niva nudged his arm, interrupting his flashback.

"They're moving," she whispered thrashing back her long hair.

Three large Orks marched by as Uruvion strung his bow. Niva on the other hand was an Elf more suited for close-range combat. He knocked an arrow and struck down an Ork with blinding swiftness. Niva had already assassinated two others. Uruvion came down out of the clearing took his wand from its pouch. He upheld the magic from deep inside him and screamed, " Voltrus!" In a flash of light every Ork in the camp was incinerated. Silence finally lurked through the starry night.


Okay...intriguing start that you've got right there. Although, I kind of do have to ask, as impressive as this display of power to open happens to be, how do humans manage to wipe out a race with that much power. It looks from this opening that these two alone could wipe out a full human army, in fact they are sort of wiping out an army here, and one made of beings normally considered more powerful than humans. Its a bit of a nitpick, but I just have to ask. Besides that, solid opening here.

"The map has to be here somewhere," exclaimed Niva as she shuffled through some papers.

Her voice was firm and strong, yet graceful and smooth. Uruvion joined her in searching for the map. The map... the one thing that held their destinies so tightly. The map to Avalon was the secret. Rumors were going around that elves had been spotted. But, Uruvion was very skeptical. On the other hand Niva seemed to have more hope, which sparked some in him too.

"I found it!" Niva rose a folded paper in the air.


Alright, well that one's a little odd. Given quite how much hype you gave that map it was found kind of easily. So I feel like you might need to either stretch this scene out a bit more and make it seem like thing is a bit tougher to get or start the story after they've gotten it and make it seem like a difficult artifact to get using flashbacks or dialogue.

Excited, they sat it down on a desk and unwrapped it. It showed all of Avalon from the Merian ocean, to the Avalon forest. She tied it once again and put it in her tunic. Uruvion and Niva slowly walked out of the Ork camp and came to their beautiful white steed. Niva made clicking sounds, and the horse came to her without restraint. The sound of an explosing rang through the night shocking them all.

"Humans!" shouted Uruvion mounting his horse.

They quickly sped off away from the danger that they feared. But, to their dismay a band of armed soldiers waited for them at their escape route. This time they wouldn't get away so easy...


Hmm well that's a promising ending there. I love the cliffhanger, and the excitement you create from that. Its quite a nice addition to the end of the scene and this time maybe there's a little bit of an explanation as to how the race of the elves could have been wiped out. Well, all in all, that's a lovely ending I think the only probably being that it is once again a bit rushed.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Mar 29, 2009 6:20 pm
aspiringyoungwriter wrote a review...



Great job!
I loved this story, it was entertaining and imaginative!
In my opinion there really isn't much to critique.
But how do you pronounce 'Uruvion'?
You should have, like, a pronunciation key at the end or something.
At the beginning of my review I wrote that this story was imaginative, and it was, but I agree with The.DreamWalker you kind of did take it directly from the Lord of the Rings (I've read some so I know).




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Fri Mar 27, 2009 1:33 am
Dreamwalker wrote a review...



Hello! I'm The.Dreamwalker and it's a pleasure to meet you!

Everyone seems to have done a well enough job reviewing your work so I'm just going to states some pros and cons and such.

This piece of work really stood out to me, not because of the title, but because of the fact that it's about elves. I myself love portraying elves and have a few times over YWS with my Chime Endlessly stories, but thats not the point. I think this story stood out because it is a common interest, but you have to think beyond that to attract a reader. Your title is very important. Come up with something catchy, interesting. The title 'an elf story' doesnt give me much to think of. Just thought it would help there.

Also I see a reoccuring flaw in your writing, and thats when we get a little taste of the descriptions, you quickly jump off into something else. It kind of doesnt feel like it's filling out perfectly well. Just tightening your descriptions and transistions. I'm sure you'll do well :)

Okay so now onto another thing I found with your writing. Your dialogue is a little static. Try not to be so cliche with it, really make it your own. Right now, all I see is some sloppy sentences added in. If they arent needed, dont put em in. If they are, really word 'em out. Make them interesting and how they would take in the era they are in, which I am still unsure of since this is a short bit.

Now, what I did like is the character's. They seem interesting.

But then theres the fact that your main character could turn out a little bit of a Mary Sue if you arent carefull. I have the same problem when I write, and you really have to think it all through. Give him some flaws, this and that. It will help.

Other then that, I liked this bit, very interesting and has a ton of potential!

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker




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Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:12 am
~Excalibur~ wrote a review...



Yeah this is cliched and seems to be taken directly from Tolk's Lord of the Rings. Even with the issue of 'Orks' not 'Orcs'. It reads like a Magic the Gathering novel as well, and that really isn't a compliment, as much of the stuff, while original, is of the same patterned writing as to emulate the other great writers.

So yeah, I'm going to go with Wooster on this one. Either make the cliche original or don't bother. Least it was one step up from the recent bout of plagiarism (plaguerism to be honest) on the site now.




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Sun Mar 22, 2009 7:45 pm
Brian Pilkington wrote a review...



Uruvion sniffed the cold, rancid air of the night. Being an elf he had better sense of smell than any human. Throughout the 203 years of his life, Uruvion had seen many horrors... including, the extermination of his race. The human. A barbaric, murderous race. He and Niva were the last of their kind. Niva nudged his arm, interrupting his flashback.

"They're moving," she whispered thrashing back her long hair.

Three large Orks marched by as Uruvion strung his bow. Niva on the other hand was an Elf more suited for close-range combat. He knocked an arrow and struck down an Ork with blinding swiftness. Niva had already assassinated two others. Uruvion came down out of the clearing took his wand from its pouch. He upheld the magic from deep inside him and screamed, " Voltrus!" In a flash of light every Ork in the camp was incinerated. Silence finally lurked through the starry night.

"The map has to be here somewhere," exclaimed Niva as she shuffled through some papers.

Her voice was firm and strong, yet graceful and smooth. Uruvion joined her in searching for the map. The map... the one thing that held their destinies so tightly. The map to Avalon was the secret. Rumors were going around that elves had been spotted. But, Uruvion was very skeptical. On the other hand Niva seemed to have more hope, which sparked some in him too.

"I found it!" Niva rose a folded paper in the air.

Excited, they sat it down on a desk and unwrapped it. It showed all of Avalon from the Merian ocean, to the Avalon forest. She tied it once again and put it in her tunic. Uruvion and Niva slowly walked out of the Ork camp and came to their beautiful white steed. Niva made clicking sounds, and the horse came to her without restraint. The sound of an explosing rang through the night shocking them all.

"Humans!" shouted Uruvion mounting his horse.

They quickly sped off away from the danger that they feared. But, to their dismay a band of armed soldiers waited for them at their escape route. This time they wouldn't get away so easy...

i like it, but i think you should add a little more detail and description. other than that i think its great. the storyline, the characers, eveything




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Sun Mar 22, 2009 12:10 am
Musicaloo7311 wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Music.

Grammar:

Being an elf, he had a better sense of smell than any human.


"They're moving," she whispered, thrashing back her long hair.


Niva, on the other hand, was an Elf more... Uruvion came down out of the clearing and took his wand from its pouch. He upheld the magic from deep inside him and screamed, "Voltrus!" In a flash of light, every Ork in the camp was incinerated.


On the other hand, Niva seemed to have more hope, which sparked some in him, too.


The sound of an [s]explosing[/s]explosion rang through the night, shocking them all.


"Humans!" shouted Uruvion, mounting his horse.


They quickly sped off, away from the danger that they feared. But, to their dismay, a band of armed soldiers waited for them at their escape route. This time, they wouldn't get away so [s]easy[/s]easily...


Plot: The plot and concept was okay. It didn't hold my interest enough, though.

Language use: It was pretty good in the word department. Try and spice it up with some figurative language once in a while!

Characters: I didn't really get to know any of these characters at all. Good try, but you need to work on getting your reader to know your characters more. :wink:

Overall: Overall, I thought it was a nice attempt at a fantasy short story. With a little editing, I think it could really turn into something! You just need to work on your descriptions a bit more!

Good try! Keep it up!

Love,
Music.




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Sat Mar 21, 2009 10:42 am
healingdaily says...



Smilykid, simply disregard everything TL G-Wooster said. Totally useless comments.

1- "Been done before." "It's all been done before."

The kid is 13 YEARS OLD. He's learning how to write. It's his FIRST POST. This is a website for young writers learning how to write. Not a website for geniuses like you who can consistently produce original material that's never been done before.

2- It's unfortunate that you took the time to write your negative comments. It kind of takes the fun out of this online community for young writers, which I think is fantastic.

3- Your comments said: "You said you wanted compliments".

Wrong again. The kid said: "so I would like compliments and critiques."

4- Your comments said: "but it isn't an attack against you or your work. It's to help you get better."

I don't think putting the kid down is a good way to help him get better. Do you have any kids? I didn't think so.

Go for a bicycle ride or something. It will oxygenate your brain and improve your level of empathy for others.




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Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:39 pm
Twit wrote a review...



I know this is going to sound harsh, but I'm still going to say it. This story is incredibly cliched.

Super powerful Elves? Been done before. Powers that can take out loads of enemies in a single blink? Been done before. Funny magic words of power? Been done before. Two people who are the last of their kind? Been done before. White horse? Been done before. Orks? Been done before. Elves who live for hundreds of years? Been done before. Secret maps? Been done before.

Even though this is really short, it's simply stuffed with cliches. It's all been done before.

You said you wanted compliments, so I will say that it's pretty well written. You need to smooth it out more, but the cliches detracted from any good points that I might have enjoyed.

I know this sounds horrible, but it isn't an attack against you or your work. It's to help you get better. PM me if you have any questions. :)




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Fri Mar 20, 2009 9:41 pm
Smilykid says...



Thanks for taking your time to review it! Ya I'm new so I will post a revised version and PM you.

-Smilykid :)




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Fri Mar 20, 2009 9:17 pm
Pippiedooda wrote a review...



Hi :) This is quite short, nicely written though!

The human. A barbaric, murderous race. He and Niva were the last of their kind.


As you say 'The human.' just after the extermination of his race it kind of confused me as it sounded a bit like the race was the human :? I'd maybe fix this by connecting these two sentences, perhaps changing the full stop to a semi colon :) As you switch back to saying about his own kind afterwards I'd say the last of the elves or something to make it clear you are not still talking about humans.

Niva nudged his arm, interrupting his flashback.


Its not really a flashback, I'd maybe say musing or thoughts.

she whispered thrashing back her long hair.


I think 'thrashing' sounded a bit odd here, 'tossing' or 'sweeping' might work better.

Niva on the other hand was an Elf more suited for close-range combat. He knocked an arrow and struck down an Ork with blinding swiftness.


It sounds like when you say 'he knocked' you are still referring to Niva, I'd change 'He' to 'Uruvion' to make it clear who you are talking about.

Uruvion came down out of the clearing took his wand from its pouch.


You either need 'and' after clearing or to change 'took' to 'taking' with a comma before it.

He upheld the magic from deep inside him and screamed, " Voltrus!"


I'm not really sure about saying 'upheld' here, maybe 'he summoned' or 'he gathered'? Also after when he shouts 'Voltrus!" I'd start the next sentence on another line to separate it a little.

Silence finally lurked through the starry night.


I don't think 'lurked' really works here- I'd replace it with another word like 'filled the starry night' or 'enveloped the starry night', its nice imagery though :)

"The map has to be here somewhere," exclaimed Niva as she shuffled through some papers.


As she is exclaiming this I'd probably use an exclamation mark instead of a comma.

Rumors were going around that elves had been spotted. But, Uruvion was very skeptical.


I'd make this one sentence, moving the comma from after 'But' to before it instead of having the full stop.

Niva rose a folded paper in the air.


'Niva held a folded piece of paper in the air' might make more sense here or something similar.

Excited, they sat it down on a desk and unwrapped it.


I'm not sure about 'unwrapped'- maybe 'unrolled' would fit better as there is nothing really wrapping a map :)

She tied it once again and put it in her tunic.


I think you could say something better than 'put it in her tunic', you could describe the movement more and where it actually goes, like 'and slid it into the inside pocket of her tunic'.

The sound of an explosing rang through the night shocking them all.


'explosing' should be 'explosion' and I think you need a comma after 'night'.

Overall: I do think you have some good imagery here and it is mostly very well written! Nice first post ;)

I think you could bulk this out a lot more, everything happens very quickly, especially in the movements of the last paragraph. I'd show how they are feeling in between what they are doing, describe how everything sounds and feels and looks. I don't really understand where they are, especially at the beginning. At first I thought they were in battle or something but then there was a desk there :? I think you need to explain where they are and describe the setting.

I also haven't really got a sense of what they look like, adding in more detail every now and then to them would really help to know the characters more. I think you have a good structure here basically but you need to add more details and explain it a lot more to make it longer and so the reader can get a real image of what is happening. More description on the map too might be good as well. I do think you have a good story here though and I like how you have described things when you have!

All my comments are just suggestions! Hope I've helped :D




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Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:37 pm
healingdaily wrote a review...



Nice work. I agree with Daniella's comments regarding the punctuation. Keep up the creative writing.

I also like that quote by Albert Einstein which appears below your writing.

I think this website will soon be an alternative to going to school!




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Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:25 am
Poptimist wrote a review...



Hello there! Here are some statements that should be edited.


"They're moving," she whispered thrashing back her long hair.
* it should be period not comma.

"The map has to be here somewhere," exclaimed Niva as she shuffled through some papers.
*Still period, and it should be like this 'Niva exclaimed as she shuffled through some papers.'

"I found it!" Niva rose a folded paper in the air.
add the words 'excalimed as she rose a folded paper in the air' after the word 'niva'

Excited, they sat it down on a desk and unwrapped it.
Excited? Who was excited? I think it goes like this 'they were excited; they sat it down on a desk and unwrapped it.

You've a great story. Describe more Uruvion and some characters. Feel free to PM me if you have some questions :>

Best Regards,
Daniella :D





A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses.
— Jean Cocteau