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Ruzulia: or the 5 Kingdoms and their Conflicts

by Smilykid

Chapter 1: Mundane Quarrels

Staring out into the field of bloodshed, I cannot help but think how pointless it is. The humans' screams and minotaurs' grunts travel through the iron air. Bringing shudders to those awaiting death. But I do not shudder or quiver. That is for humans, or as others call them: the weak vermin of Ruzulia. But have I any right to call them humans? When I am half one. My father, kind as he is, is foolish. He believes the humans have been stripped of some eternal right.

When our former king took a fleet of men off into the minotaur's kingdom, they were attacked. Our king was just passing through to make religious peace with the dwarfish king. But minotaurs, hotblooded as they are, took no time to listen to our king's pleas. When he died, the humans became outraged. We declared war on the minotaurs and tried to ally ourselves with the dwarves and elves; as expected, they didn't help us. My mother, the elven queen, would never do such a thing. My father, being human was outraged at her. Twenty-two years ago my mother came to the human kingdom. She met my father and got pregnant. But what awaited her at home was an outraged elven king. When I was born she was forced to take me back to my father to be raised.

Unlike most other people, I have the right to two kingdoms. The elven and the human. Yet I am hated in both. The humans hate the strong, fair elf in me, and the elves hate the drastic, hard-headed human in me. But I don't care. The only person I see is my father; and it is impossible for him to hate me.

Snapping out of my reverie, I adjust the waist strap of my sword. My sword. The only memory I have of my mother. It's a classically made elven sword. The blade has a light blue tint to it and is long and sharp. The blade is very thin and one inch wide at the cross guard. As the blade grows longer it slowly and gradually gets thinner until it is an impossibly sharp point. The cross guard is adorned with two sapphires with an emerald in the center. The handle is strong steel with soft cloth wrapping it for grip. Lastly, the pommel. With the signature molding of a silver leaf sticking out of the end, there is also a crown surrounding it, in symbolism of its royal makings.

I hear a grunt and swerve around. A seven-foot tall minotaur is standing with axe drawn. The ring between his notrils quiver as he snorts. He stares with his bloodshot eyes and brandishes the axe that will soon swing for me. The minotaur charges. I don't even need to use my sword. As if second nature I spin to the right and grab his wrist. With my other hand, I use it to flip him over and off the cliff I was standing on. I hear a soft thud as he hits the ground.

Off the horizon there are many warships coming in from the sea. I walk off the cliff and land lightly as I walk toward the coast.

"The battle," I murmur to myself, "has only begun."

Its a bit short but it is just a self-reflecting chapter to start off the story.

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126 Reviews

Points: 15337
Reviews: 126

Thu Dec 10, 2009 4:56 am
PenNPaper wrote a review...

A very good idea, I liked how you began the story. Not many errors I could find.

Although I didn't think it was necessary to include the second paragraph, as it doesn't really contribute to this story. Maybe if you were to break them up and include them later on in the story it would. We wouldn't want to memorize everything at one go do we?

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27 Reviews

Points: 3189
Reviews: 27

Wed Dec 09, 2009 9:47 pm
AddictionToFiction wrote a review...

I really loved this idea. On one hand, it's got a familiar feel, while on the other hand, it's definately unique in its own way. However, go back to where you describe your MC's sword. Count how many times you used the word 'the' in those few sentances. I'd suggest you fix that.

Also, while the very first sentence you used is definitly captivating, you almost immediately launch us into Mythical History 101. It's something all writers struggle with at one point, but it is avoidible. I agree with Jabber, who mentioned maybe bringing the history into the story in bits and peices. Flashbacks are usable too, but beware not to overuse them (if you choose to go that way).

Another thing that confuses me is the character. I can't even figure out if it's male or female! Usually speach is an easy givaway, but with the one, cliche phrase murmured by your MC isn't enough. I understand that gender-givaways may be harder in 1st person POV without doing an info dump, it's still possible.

The last thing is to be wary not to loose your reader. It's interesting, but when we drop into the past, it gets dry, even though it's only a very short segment. Keep up the action, especialy in a prologue (that IS what this is, right?).

I'm interested as to where this story will go, as you give us only a small peek at the plot. True there's a war, but what's the character's part in the war? Why is your MC fighting, and what happens later? I'm glad you left me with questions, otherwise I'd have no reason to come back for more.

Good luck and keep it up!

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1464 Reviews

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Wed Dec 09, 2009 7:51 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...

Hi there!

I like the idea you have here. You've got some good material, and I think it has plenty of potential! But one thing I'm terribly concerned about is that this sounds a lot like Eragon by Christopher Paolini. Since it's a popular series, you don't want to write nearly the same thing or bad things could happen.

But concerning the story itself!

Whether this is a self-reflecting chapter or not, I think it was a bit much with the history lesson in the beginning. The MC spending paragraphs and paragraphs talking about themselves randomly just to set the reader up with a basic background is not very interesting. Tie the history later on in the story when it's brought up, when a memory is triggered, or when it's important for the reader to know. History lessons are great, but unless you pull it off uber well, it's not the best way to start off a fantasy novel.

Things were just starting to get interesting with the minotaur at the end, and then in just one paragraph the minotaur was gone. Spend less time with history and more time with the fight. That fight is what will draw the reader into your fantasy story. In fact, if you expand on the battle, you can take the time to describe his elfish and human attributes that set him apart from the rest, including that gorgeous sword of his.

The last line did seem out of place, as the previous reviewer mentioned. First off, dwell a bit more on the warships coming. This could be your chance to foreshadow what's to come, pleasing the reader. Then you can have him readjust his grip on the sword and jump off the cliff to fight another battle. Or something really cool. You'll think of something!

I hope that helped some. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me via PM or chat. My MSN is also on my profile if you wish to use it. You'll find me almost any of the three places there.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

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57 Reviews

Points: 6757
Reviews: 57

Mon Nov 30, 2009 4:26 pm
narniafreak12 wrote a review...

Hi! I'm Narniafreak! I hope my reviews help!

through the iron air. Bringing shudders to those awaiting death

You might want to change the period after "air" to a semi-colon, since the "bringing" sentence isn't a complete phrase.

I adjust the waist strap of my sword. My sword. The only memory

Take out the second "my sword". It just gets repetitive.

I walk off the cliff and land lightly as I walk toward the coast.

Okay, how did he just walk off the cliff without a scratch when a few minutes earlier he pushed a minotaur to its death? Wouldn't the fall kill him too? I'm confused. Maybe I read it wrong, but maybe you should reword it and give some clarification.
"The battle," I murmur to myself, "has only begun."

I know you probably like this line, but it's way overused in a lot of stuff just making it sound cliche in everything else. Sorry. =/

I like it a lot. It's a wonderful start. However, you do have a few info dumps that could use some splitting. Describe the sword as he uses it, or give the past history in another form. Not just a big paragraph. Also, you put conjunctions [[but, and, or, etc.]] at the beginning of sentences and you might want to change those too. But overall you caught my attention with good detail and some action. I'd like to read more if you post it. =]


For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein