Author's Note: This is just a short story that introduces two of the main characters of my stories. It's kind of a sample that just gives you a taste of the kind of story I'm working on. I hope you enjoy!
Agatha and Allen.
Twin they were. And twins always know what the other is feeling. That was what added to one another's depression.
Neither one of them could bear the thought that their other half was suffering.
That horrible day in January was a day that they both lost someone close to them. Allen that day lost two of his closest friends while Agatha lost not only her friends, but her husband too.
They both lost the two people that had understood them, the two people that had been special to them.
And it was because of that day, that cold day in January that they were both slowly losing something important.
Allen never left the apartment. He spent all of his time either losing himself in the imaginary world that he had carefully sketched out in his mind, the place where everyone he held close to his heart was at. Where they all lived a life full of nothing but happiness and sunny days. It was either in this place Allen spent his time or lost in the pages of one of the many books he read.
Allen was the twin that was slowly losing his own mind to a world that didn’t exist.
Agatha only knew worry. She spent every hour of every day worrying about her brother, her unborn child, the random stranger that lived down the hall in the apartment complex. Agatha just couldn’t stop worrying. She couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep, and she couldn’t function anymore! While she worried about the safety and health of others, Agatha remained oblivious to her own needs. She didn’t take notice of the dangers she was putting herself into by starving herself and never sleeping. Agatha was putting both herself and her baby in danger because of her obliviousness.
Agatha was the twin that was losing herself from worrying too much about others.
They were both losing themselves, and by doing that they were losing one another. They were both bordering on that thin line of insanity.
Agatha and Allen were the twins that were slowly killing themselves without even realizing it.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I like the idea of it. And I like their names. But - I feel like a broken record today, since I've been saying it to so many others - but the beginning just doesn't work for me. You're INFORMING the reader of all of this. There's no intrigue, no mystery. We know all now because you've told us. Leave a few things unknown. Let us find out throughout the plot. Don't tell, SHOW.
Aside from the above critisism, I did spot one little nitpick:
Did you mean twins? Easy mistake.
Well, keep writing. I'm sorry if I was overzealous. Just trying to help
KJ
This is lovely.
I don't really have a lot to say, seeing as how this is just sort of an introduction to the characters, but it is wonderful. I actually felt for this characters and I've only known them for a dozen or so paragraphs.
I want to read more of these two. Very, very nice.
~GryphonFledgling
God that was amazing. I understand that it is a synopsis/ character sketch; but I would have liked to see a scene with these two playing out a typical day. I read a script for a play that reminded me vaguely of this; where there was a man who would reincarnate these images of people, alive in dead, during the age where they were happiest and dearest to him. But soon, he couldn't differentiate between who was real and who wasn't... and I forgot what it was called.
But I'm really intruiged. I'd love to hear the rest of this story. There were a few grammatical errors, but... I don't feel like being nitpicky. That job can go to someone else.