Published March 11, 2010
The water trickled down the waterfall by the river, the fishes swam so fast it was like their little lives were swimming right in front of them,the sun lit up the place of peace like it was heaven... but really, it was just all in my mind.
As I lay on my bed wondering how peaceful and how delicate heaven must be, not that I was actually thinking of suicide to get there. I don't really feel sorry for those who have died, I actually feel sorry for us... because when the Earth starts producing gasses that will soon make us choke to death. we wont be able to blame anyone but ourselves...
KEEP CLEAN PEOPLE! OR OUR DEATHS WILL BE OUR FAULT!
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oh and try "we will cause the end of the world" - flows better.
but once again, just a suggestion
hey, you have a key eye for imagery! i love how your use every single detail to form a bigger picture. but i suggest you use full stops rather than a lot of commas. I would do it as
The water trickled down the waterfall by the river. the fishes swam so fast it was like their little lives were swimming right in front of them. the sun lit up the place of peace like it was heaven... but really, it was just all in my mind.
As I lay on my bed wondering how peaceful and how delicate heaven must be, not that I was actually thinking of suicide to get there(something about this sentence is off. its hard to read). I don't really feel sorry for those who have died, I actually feel sorry for us... because when the Earth starts producing gasses that will soon make us choke to death. we wont be able to blame anyone but ourselves...
But other than that its the set up of a good story. Can't wait to read the rest.
Question! If/When this is going to happen, why is it under 'fantasy fiction'?