There are a couple more errors for this 
rocking back and fourths
Should be rocking back and forth.
Oh no!shit!
Spaces and capitals. Good read, thanks.
Biffle
I sat back and let my small carrier bag drop to the floor beside me, wind ripped through my dark hair as sat on the swing nervously rocking back and fourths, just hoping… hoping I would see him again. The park was empty, the roundabout squeaked when the wind made it move about an inch every two minutes. Suddenly I heard shouts coming from a high off round black pick-up truck from behind me, when I looked back I almost lost my breathe to the sight. They were here, all of them. It was Duke and his gang. He goes to the same school as me; he is always trying to pick me up. He knows it’s never going to happen… he just won’t give up. He had gotten out of his truck and was walking this way. He wore black shredded jeans and a blue singlet, the green streaks in his black hair brought out the icy blue coldness of his eyes. I stood up.
“Hey babe, what you doing here all alone?” he reached to touch my face but I stepped back so her was nowhere near me.
“Don’t touch me Duke, just go away.” I turned around and started to walk home but he had caught my wrist and pulled me back.
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that, Halia” His grip had gotten tighter on my wrist, I tried to break it but he wouldn’t let go.
“Let go of me you freak!” He raised his hand above his head and brought it down and across my cheek. The pain shot up through my head and I raised my free hand to see if it had broken my skin, it had. Blood trickled down my face and dripped on the grass on the park.
“Don’t cheek me girl, I don’t have much patients with you” He warned.
Then, Duke shouted in pain and crumbled to the floor, taking me with him. I looked up and felt my heart miss a beat, he had come. He held out his hand and helped me up.
“You okay?” he asked
“Yeah, Thanks Trey” But before I could even smile at him he was pulled down my duke. He was now standing over Trey. He looked up at him with his soft green eyes and grinned. Trey moved his foot around to knock Duke over and succeeded, they both struggling on the floor now. I looked around to see if anyone was around to help but I could see not a soul in site. My eyes shifted to the four huge guys running my way, I started to panic, there was nowhere to go and if I ran they would only tackle me. One came from behind me and locked my arms together. I struggled, kicked and screamed and only found one thing to do. I saw a rather large stick type log from the corner of my eye. I turned my head so I could see his upper arm; he gave a cry when I dug my teeth into it and went to the ground. I scrambled for the stick and as I lifted it up two others came from behind. I swung so hard only to be let down by the hand that caught it and thrust it to the floor. I was grabbed by the arms again and was started to be pulled back to Dukes truck.
“Oh no!shit! Trey help me!” I screamed at the top of my voice. Trey looked up from Dukes unconscious body. He didn’t look at me but into the forest that surrounded us. He whistled and shouted…
“Guys, over here!” I looked over at the forest; Jared, Alex and Traight came running out of the deep woods. Jared was Trey’s older brother by a year; they looked a lot alike except I was more scared of Jared than Trey. Alex and Traight are cousins, I think, well that’s just what my best friends Sonny and Olivia told me. While I was so busy being caught up in Treys family I had forgot that I was being dragged away by absolute lunatics. We were half across the field now; I couldn’t help but smile when Jared, Trey, Alex and Traight stopped the big dudes pulling me away with just a push of their hands.
I grinned. “Oh you guys are in deep shit,” They looked up at the boys behind them; I could swear I heard them gulp. Alex chuckled and pushed back his brown shaggy hair from his face, he had dark eyes like his cousin Traight.
“Boys, I suggest that you let Halia go now or you’ll end up like you boss over there” Jared pointed to Duke knocked out on the grass about 100 meters away. They released my arms and I immediately stepped away from them. The look on Dukes minion’s faces was hilarious; they turned around and sprinted to the truck.
“Geeze, great fight!” Laughed Alex. I looked over at Duke; I realized that my bag was still there by the swing.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Are you alright Halia?” It was Trey.
“Yeah, I’m fine” I smiled “Thanks for the help, um so I’ll see you around then?” I couldn’t think of what else to say, it was so awkward.
“Yeah, you will” he grinned and turned towards the woods. I walked over to the swings and picked up my carrier bag. Pain shot up my thigh, I screamed out in pain. I looked down and I was shocked to see a pocket knife sticking out of my leg, just above my knee. I shrunk to the floor, I now lay on my back;my leg felt unmoveable.
“Halia!” Screamed Trey. I looked up at Duke. He had a black eye now, he crouched down and touched my torn cheek.
“I think we both know this is over” he whispered.
“Oh please, it never started” I coughed back. The rage in his eyes deepened as he stood up, pulled his foot back and thrust it into my ribs, they cracked. The next thing I knew, I was out cold.
There are a couple more errors for this
rocking back and fourths
Oh no!shit!
xXTheBlackSheepXx wrote:It was a little weird for me. The whole time I was reading this I had this big cheesy performance playing in my head. It was your typical aggressive jerk scenario, and then the girl gets saved by a handsome man that saves her from the monster as his hair blows in the wind or whatever. But wait! There’s a gang of more thuggish jerks just around the corner, ready to kidnap her for their friend. The little princess yelps “Save me, save me!” as she gets carried away. But she also has a gang of friends that are hiding oh so conveniently in the woods watching this whole thing go down, and don’t come out to help until they are called out by a whistle…
I’m not trying to be harsh, its just that was what I was thinking while reading this. Not that it was bad, because it was entertaining, but I couldn’t take it seriously. Maybe you should think out this scenario, because I really think this could be a good story.
Actually, this review was for your first version. i save the files and then get back to them later, so i haven't read your edited version yet. oh well, i already did the review so i thought i might as well post it.
It was a little weird for me. The whole time I was reading this I had this big cheesy performance playing in my head. It was your typical aggressive jerk scenario, and then the girl gets saved by a handsome man that saves her from the monster as his hair blows in the wind or whatever. But wait! There’s a gang of more thuggish jerks just around the corner, ready to kidnap her for their friend. The little princess yelps “Save me, save me!” as she gets carried away. But she also has a gang of friends that are hiding oh so conveniently in the woods watching this whole thing go down, and don’t come out to help until they are called out by a whistle…
I’m not trying to be harsh, its just that was what I was thinking while reading this. Not that it was bad, because it was entertaining, but I couldn’t take it seriously. Maybe you should think out this scenario, because I really think this could be a good story.
Actually, this review was for your first version. i save the files and then get back to them later, so i haven't read your edited version yet. oh well, i already did the review so i thought i might as well post it.
you might as well delete this.... since I edited the whole thing!
Biffle1 wrote:Biffle here to review!!!!“Hey babe, what you doing here all alone?” he reached to touch my face but I stepped back so he was nowhere near me.
Wasn't she sitting on a swing??“Yeah, Thanks Trey” But before I could even smile at him he was pulled down my duke.
"But before I could even smile at him he was pulled down by Duke."they both struggling on the floor now
Either, "they were both struggling to the floor now," or, "they both struggled to the floor.I looked around to see if anyone was around to help but I could see not a soul in site. My eyes shifted to the four huge guys running my way, I started to panic, there was nowhere to go and if I ran they would only tackle me.
That is one big mama of a sentence, maybe you could shorten it, add a full stop somewhere, it's really confusing. "But I couldn't see a soul in sight" is the proper term. Sight was also misspelled.I pulled my knee back and quickly kneed him in the nuts; he gave a cry and went to the ground.
Either your MC's knee is dislocated, or someone is in front of her, it's a tad confusing...“Trey, Please! They’re taking me away! Help! Help!”
No shit they're taking her away, you don't need to dumb it down for us, we get it, so does Trey“Guys, over here!” I looked over at the forest; Jared, Alex and Traight came running out of the deep woods. Jared was Trey’s older brother by two months; they looked a lot alike except I was more scared of Jared than Trey. Alex and Traight are cousins, I think, well that’s just what my best friends Sonny and ___ told me. While I was so busy being caught up in Treys family I had forgot that I was being dragged away by absolute lunatics.
Okay, INFO DUMP ALERT!! Seriously, we don't need to know Trey's life story, just make it shorter, you seem to like to get things out of the way early on, don't. Describe the boys later (if there is a later)
I. My opinion.
I like this, but it seems a bit disjointed, in places. Also I thought the part where you described Trey's friends and their families was a bit unnecessary...
II. Character voice.
Halia seems a bit too... Dumb for me "Trey, Please! They’re taking me away! Help! Help!”
seriously... She would be thinking rationally, she would be screaming incoherent blobs of "Oh shit! Aaahhh!"
But it's your story, your voice.
III. Overall.
Overall, this story was not too bad, but not fantastic either. If you could just hold off on some of the irrelevant info until (if this is a novel, novella, whatever) chapter 2 or something.
4 elephants / 5 for story idea.
2/5 for grammar (ie. info dumps, sentence structure.)
a total of
out of ten.
Thanks for the story and keep writing.
-Biffle
lol! Sorry guyz! The flu I have must have made me stupid... but then again it must have been a blonde moment... considering I am blonde
I'll tell you, a baby takes at least nine months to develop, thus making it impossible unless they are in fact step brothers.
You need to work on your common knowledge, Kayla. Sloppy.
xD Luff ya
olli
How can Trey's brother be 3 months older?
Isn't that impossible or are they step-brothers of something?
Hi Smexaykk01
I like this post a lot and I can't wait for more.
I think you should re-read it as you have missed out some words and punctuation.
I only have one question:
How can Trey's brother be 3 months older?
Isn't that impossible or are they step-brothers of something?
I like the start of this story.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread
Biffle here to review!!!!
“Hey babe, what you doing here all alone?” he reached to touch my face but I stepped back so he was nowhere near me.
“Yeah, Thanks Trey” But before I could even smile at him he was pulled down my duke.
they both struggling on the floor now
I looked around to see if anyone was around to help but I could see not a soul in site. My eyes shifted to the four huge guys running my way, I started to panic, there was nowhere to go and if I ran they would only tackle me.
I pulled my knee back and quickly kneed him in the nuts; he gave a cry and went to the ground.
“Trey, Please! They’re taking me away! Help! Help!”
“Guys, over here!” I looked over at the forest; Jared, Alex and Traight came running out of the deep woods. Jared was Trey’s older brother by two months; they looked a lot alike except I was more scared of Jared than Trey. Alex and Traight are cousins, I think, well that’s just what my best friends Sonny and ___ told me. While I was so busy being caught up in Treys family I had forgot that I was being dragged away by absolute lunatics.
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