Published June 23, 2010
Hey everyone! So this is one of my new stories, its just something that popped up in my head and i thought i might write it down!
So please don't be rude... and don't be too picky on the nitpicks! I was in a Rush!!
I must say, watching my mother rot in a mental hospital was pleasing. Only just thinking about what she did to me makes me sick. You see, the story I am about to write is my story, my life, my love, and how I came to be today. The only reason I am putting this story on paper is so it lives forever. And if this tale happens to reach another soul and take place again, well then.. so be it.
So it all started on the night I was born. My Mum doesn't believe in God you see. But she loves and believes in Satan. So she thought that the only way to show gratitude to him was to give me and my sisters soul. But, of course we had had to find that out the hard way.
***
The sun was bright, and there was no clouds in the sky. I lay in the front yard with my sister Kylie. Kylie is 19 years old, she has long dark mid-waist length hair and gold eyes. Me and her a lot alike, same hair, same nose, but we have different eyes... Mine are blue, ice blue. We also share the same birthday... I'm exactly two years younger than Kylie.
Today is when our foster mother has her family over for two or three weeks, there is going to be a lot of people will be there. Halia (our mum) says a lot of cute boys will be attending too, me we thought we should catch a tan before they arrive tonight. Halia took us in when we were five, our biological father was to busy caring for our ill mother in the mental hospital outside of town.
We had been lying outside for hours, talking and laughing, discussing what we will wear and who will be there and what not. It was our first time meeting the family. So we had to me on our best behaviour for Halia and Ben.
Ben is our foster Father, it was his idea for dad to give us to them, he saw how me and Kylie were so alone,abandoned I guess...
"Don't you just love the sun?" asked Kylie. She got up and dusted herself off.
"Yup, she's a beauty alright!" I laughed as she helped me up. We packed up our stuff and headed for the back door. Me and Kylie never used the front door, we don't need to. In fact, we never left the house, well the front gate.
Never.
There is more coming! I hope you like!
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141,639 Literary Works • 675,296 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is certainly the sort of start that instantly catches your attention here. That's a very powerful statement to be starting off with here...that much is pretty clear...and the tone you've chosen here with this particular character, making it all sounds very personal, that makes things even more chilling I think, because now we see this far more personal note also come to light within the story and that just adds right on to everything already going on to create a pretty powerful effect there.
Hmm...well things just took a bit of a turn there. I suppose the scene changed to reflect whatever it is that cause the protagonist here to discover that previously mentioned situation because we do go from that rather shocking opening straight to what appears to be a a bit of a relaxed ol' family gathering of sorts here.
Okay..and we end off with that somewhat creepier tone that we were hitting from earlier...which casts an entirely different light on things once again after that middle part managed to be somewhat more relaxing than most. All in all, this all does come together to make a pretty intriguing combination right here....and well, I'd say this on the whole is a fairly solid start, I find myself interested enough to want to read more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there
There are quite a number of spelling errors in this. Also, you did very little storytelling and there was no emotion to make it believable, I know you were in a rush but you should look at that. I think that the idea behind the story is creative, so spice it up a bit and put in some suspense also.
Keep writing.
Hey, smexay, coco here for a review. I won't be too picky, I promise...
Loved this beginning - really dark and gritty
Just a few comments...
Is the fact that Kylie and your main character/narrator (whose name you haven't mentioned by the way) don't use the front door supposed to be significant in some way? I'm not really getting the last bit so if you could elaborate when it comes to re-editing.
Anyway, I apologise if I came across as rude, I do like the plot behind this and I'm eager to see where you take this piece
Happy writing!
*coco