Okay, it's not bad. First things first, I have a small problem with your style. Now, I keep telling myself I won't criticize a writers' writing style, but it seems that's all I've been doing lately, so, I'm sorry. The problem is, I don't feel anything. I may not have the full range of emotions in general (I'm seeing a therapist, don't worry about it) but I should be able to at least tell what the character is feeling. When she catches her fiance cheating on her, and when she finds out her father is dead, she doesn't really seem to react internally, sure, she chucks off the ring and leaves, and yeah, she is fighting off tears as she heads to the cemetery, but I don't really feel it with her. You need to be more descriptive if you want your readers to get invested in the story, for example, if I were to write the scene where she finds out her father is dead, this would likely have been part of it,
'"What do YOU want?" My stepmother demands, sticking her nose in the air so she can look down at me. My fist tightened on Pixy's leash and I force a polite smile, "Is father home?" I ask in the most respectful tone I can muster. She sniffs and looks me up and down like I'm a dirty piece of cattle, "No. He died two years ago. Which you would know if you weren't such a self-absorbed brat," I grit my teeth, tears prickling at the back of my eyes in a mix of anger and grief, "You mistake me for one of your children," I grind out through my clenched jaw as I fight back the tears, "You kicked me out when I was twelve and told me not come back until I was on my death bed, and even then you wouldn't have let me see my father!" I storm off the steps, throwing a final, "Goodbye!" Over my shoulder as I march to the cemetery, determined to find out for myself what happened to my father.'
Now, obviously, that is a rough draft, and no, you absolutely do not have my permission to use it, regardless of quality. But you see what I mean? You have to add feeling to it, the way it is now it reads like a textbook, simply stating what happened and what was said, with little to no comment on the emotion of the moment.
Now, it's not really bad, just flawed, and my word is by no means law, so do what you want, it's not like I can make you do anything.
Points: 999
Reviews: 95
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