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12+ Violence

Chapter 1

by SmallTownGirl

What on earth did I do to deserve this life?! I come home from walking my puppy Pixie that Gregory (my finance) got me for my birthday and our 4 year anniversary, and from buying food for the house from the market, and I find him in bed. Before you start questioning me, saying that he was probably just sleeping, I'll tell you that he was in bed with another woman, getting down and dirty. I didn't know how to react, so I just flung my engagement ring at him, dropped all of the food, picked up Pixie, placed my key on the table downstairs, and walked out. I didn't think about picking any clothes up though.

Pixie was still on her lead, so I placed her on the ground, and started walking to my father's and his wife's. His wife Cassandra hates me with a burning passion. I think it may be because I was left on my fathers doorstep as a baby, as my mother didn't want me, and I was a result of an affair, she hated me the most. I don't even know who my biological mother is, but I know her first name, Helena. Anyway, I knocked on the door politely, and Cassandra answered.

"What do YOU want?" she said harshly.

"Is father here?"I asked politely, trying to be nice.

"No. He died 2 years ago, and you would have known that if you weren't such a horrible brat who likes to get her own way!" she started shouting.

"I'm sorry but you must have mistaken me for one of your children, as if you hadn't kicked me out of the house at 12, and told me to never turn up again unless I was on death's bed, and even then my father would have had to see to me, I would have known. Goodbye now," I replied, walking away, trying not to break down. I wanted to see if he really was truly dead, so I walked to the cemetery.

I strolled slowly between the rows, trying to find his name. On the verge of giving up, I searched another row, the last row of the whole cemetery, and there he was, the 6th one of the 200 on that row.

'Here lies Andrew George Alila, a dearly beloved father of 4 and an amazing husband and son, died of a bullet wound to the head, 1800 - 1849'

Cassandra probably only put her children on there because she didn't see me as his child because I wasn't her's either. I hate her so much. Especially since she left a nineteen year old to fend for herself out on the streets, and she probably hoped that I would drop dead. Well, I'll show her.

I was walking about for at least two hours. I was getting restless and so was Pixie. I sat down on a bench and must have fell asleep. I was shocked when I woke up, as I wasn't on the bench any more, I was in somebody's bed with Pixie laid down beside me still asleep, the room was swaying and a man no older than 30 was sat next to the bed.

"Finally you're awake Princessa. Don't think that me and my crew will go easy on you, as you are to be our slave, and cook and clean for us, as well as be our doctor. Also don't think about trying to escape, as I have eyes and ears everywhere," he said with a smirk. What the hell have I gotten myself into!

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87 Reviews

Points: 674
Reviews: 87

Thu Apr 26, 2018 6:37 pm
TheMulticoloredCyr wrote a review...

Okay, it's not bad. First things first, I have a small problem with your style. Now, I keep telling myself I won't criticize a writers' writing style, but it seems that's all I've been doing lately, so, I'm sorry. The problem is, I don't feel anything. I may not have the full range of emotions in general (I'm seeing a therapist, don't worry about it) but I should be able to at least tell what the character is feeling. When she catches her fiance cheating on her, and when she finds out her father is dead, she doesn't really seem to react internally, sure, she chucks off the ring and leaves, and yeah, she is fighting off tears as she heads to the cemetery, but I don't really feel it with her. You need to be more descriptive if you want your readers to get invested in the story, for example, if I were to write the scene where she finds out her father is dead, this would likely have been part of it,

'"What do YOU want?" My stepmother demands, sticking her nose in the air so she can look down at me. My fist tightened on Pixy's leash and I force a polite smile, "Is father home?" I ask in the most respectful tone I can muster. She sniffs and looks me up and down like I'm a dirty piece of cattle, "No. He died two years ago. Which you would know if you weren't such a self-absorbed brat," I grit my teeth, tears prickling at the back of my eyes in a mix of anger and grief, "You mistake me for one of your children," I grind out through my clenched jaw as I fight back the tears, "You kicked me out when I was twelve and told me not come back until I was on my death bed, and even then you wouldn't have let me see my father!" I storm off the steps, throwing a final, "Goodbye!" Over my shoulder as I march to the cemetery, determined to find out for myself what happened to my father.'

Now, obviously, that is a rough draft, and no, you absolutely do not have my permission to use it, regardless of quality. But you see what I mean? You have to add feeling to it, the way it is now it reads like a textbook, simply stating what happened and what was said, with little to no comment on the emotion of the moment.

Now, it's not really bad, just flawed, and my word is by no means law, so do what you want, it's not like I can make you do anything.

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119 Reviews

Points: 10789
Reviews: 119

Wed Apr 25, 2018 5:11 am
Clairia wrote a review...

hey, londone here to review your work!

Wow xD that all happened very quickly! The protagonist's fiancé is caught cheating, she finds out her father is dead, and then is kidnapped? Goodness gracious! It is a bit fast paced, and could possibly be edited just a bit for that reason. I'd really enjoy a bit more detail being incorporated into the story and some elaboration as to who our main character really is.

I do like your transitions, though. They flow nicely, and you don't force things. You have a nice constant roll here (despite the fact that it's a bit fast, as I mentioned before). You seem to have a lot of potential. I did find a few errors in terms of grammar/punctuation/capitalization. I'll list a few here.

I didn't think about picking any clothes up though

There should be a comma between "up" and "though."
'...her own way!' she started shouting

The 's' in 'she' should be capitalized.
...because I wasn't her's either.

"Her's" should be changed to "Hers."
Quick Grammar Lesson
"Her's" actually isn't a word. "Hers" is used as a possession word. For example:
"This idea was not his, it was hers."
The idea belonged to her, not him.

Anyway, good start! I look forward to seeing what you post next!


What's stopping you?
— David Mamet