z

Young Writers Society



Ten Days Till Tomorrow

by Slowlyfaded


Chapter 1

The real reason I’m me

The night was hot, but beautiful. The dark night sky filled to capacity with stars, and the moon shinning brighter than I can ever remember. My thirteen year old sister, Joy, and I were home alone… again. Our parents where always out on business. It was the year they didn’t make it home for my birthday; I turned eleven that year. Our nanny took the night off and Joy and I went outside to play with the soccer ball she got me.

We played for hours. Her golden blond hair whipped through the air as she chased me around in circles, up and down the hills around our house.

“Got ya,” She said laughing as she ran away.

She was always faster than me, but not that time. I was determined to beat her.

“I'm catching up to you this time!” I yelled to her. But I ran out of breath, though I knew couldn’t beat her I pushed my self as far as I could go. She looked back at me then slowed at the sight of me struggling to keep up. I was determined to beat her. As though out of breath Joy leaned over her knees just long enough for me to pass her.

“HEY!” she yelled before getting up. Then ran just slow enough for me to stay in front. As we reached the yard we both stopped to catch our breath.

Still breathing heavily, she asked, “Want to play soccer?”

“Sure, I replied.”

After running to the porch to get the soccer ball she kicked it to me. It whipped passed my head, barely touching my face.

“Nice kick, if you are trying to kill me.” I laughed as I ran to get it. I turned to kick it back to her my face went blank and It seemed as though a blanket of cold had been thrown over the sky. Three shadows surrounded Joy. Her face frozen, then she yelled to me. I new just who they were. Vampires, not only that, but the most brutal and mean of their kind, its been said that when they were changed the vampires took their hearts

“Run Alyssa, run inside!” she screamed. I was panicked but I couldn’t leave her. Joy tried to get away but the men grabbed her arms.

“GO! NOW!” She screamed again. I darted towards the door; on the porch I looked back to see one of the men pull a gun from his pocket. Tears ran down Joy’s face.

“Alyssa, shut the door!” she screamed. I hesitated but as closed the door. As soon as it was closed I watched the shadows from the window, one of them leaned towards her. Then she just collapsed. Pushing my back towards the wall I closed my eyes.

“No!” I cried, “no.” Tears rolled down my face like rain. I didn’t go back outside till I knew they were gone. I walked out the door, the sky seemed as ice. Frozen I stood on the porch. They were gone but so was Joy. Not even her body lay there.

“Ok it was a whole five years ago. I thought you would be over that by now. We all miss Joy very much but come on its your sweet-sixteen party we are going to.” My mother said. “Will you please get a little excited?” she asked me.

“Yeah”, I said, “I'm excited.”

I could tell by her face she knew I wasn’t really excited. Every year on my birthday I remember that night, minute-by-minute it replays like a bad commercial. I couldn’t stand the thought of her not being with us.

“Come on ladies,” My father said. He had that creepy “I have a surprise for you” grin. “We should be going your friends will get restless.”

“We’re coming darling.” mom replied to him. My mom looked at me and we both went to the garage to meet my dad.

“So Alyssa, did you invite any boys?” He asked as I opened the car door.

“Yes” I said,” I invited all the kids in my grade.” “That’s great, sweetie, are they coming?” mom asked.

“How do I know?” I grumbled.

Of course I knew the place would be full just like every year, but no one ever came for me. And personally I don’t blame them.

“You must have a boyfriend by now, you’re so pretty.” My father added.

“Thanks but no, I don’t have a boyfriend.” I told them.

The truth is that ever since I was eleven I kind of excluded myself from all my friends even my best friend Katie. We still go to the same school but we don’t talk much more, just the occasional Hello or Goodbye in the hall. But nothing more than that, really. I don’t have a boyfriend because most the boys at my school are jocks and why would they want to date the ‘outcast’ of the school. I don’t care too much for them well except…never mind…So I just go through the day as the outcast that I am, walking through the halls as no one cares to pay any attention.

My parents don’t pay much attention to me, they haven’t in well 3 years. My mind trailed, Something just wasn’t right about how that night went, and questions ran through my head. Why would our nanny have the night off when they aren’t home? And why in the world would they leave a thirteen year old home alone all night to watch her eleven-year-old sister?

“We’re here!” My father said with that creepy grin again, as we pulled up to a large building with a pool, game room, TV room, and a concessions room full with popcorn and candy, drinks and smoothies. My parents looked back at me as to ask my approval. I gave a smile that said, YAY! But all it looked like to me was a day full of calories and swim suits that just make me feel worse about the way I look.

Not to my surprise, most the kids that I Invited came, I could tell by the cars. I knew it was only because they knew my parents had money, so they knew it would be a good party which the parties always where because after Joy died I get everything I want and then some. Since this was to be “My SWEET 16” Everyone was sure to be pleased.

Oh and don’t get me wrong I appreciate everything my parents have ever done for me…and that’s just why I have decided to try and find some new friends. I walked through the door and no one looked, not that I expected anyone to. I walked straight to the concessions stand tables and sat alone. But then I remembered what I had planned to try and do. I stood up but then the screech of a microphone made everyone stop talking. I sat back down. My dad stood on the stage, smiling now like he won a million dollars.

“Attention” he said. “Welcome to all of you guys and gals. Thank you for coming, and I hope you have a great time here today.”

The crowed cheered with pleasure, and it gave me a head ache.

My mom walked up the stairs to the stage whispered something in my dads ear and smiled. They both looked toward their audience then toward me.

“If we could have our lovely daughter, Alyssa to come up here.” My dad said into the microphone.

“OK now, Please, everyone follow me up to the outside courtyard.” Dad said. Like a pack of wolves the crowd moved out side. My eyes where closed and covered by my moms hands…I felt the air get hotter so I knew we had gone outside and then I heard gasping from the crowd. Mom uncovered my eyes and both mom and dad yelled…”surprise!!”

Sitting there in the middle of a huge grass courtyard lay a small box.

“Umm? I said.

“I know I know that’s not what you wanted to see. But we are on a budget. I mean this party wasn’t very cheap.” My dad said.

Of course I didn’t really want to see anything, but I went with it.

“Go open it!” someone yelled from the crowed. So I went to open it. Inside there was a charm, and fluff. Then I felt something under the fluff. I pulled it out. A key… My dad pulled open the gate of the courtyard there stood a silver 2006 Honda Insight.

Strangely enough even though my parents don’t know anything about me they manage to get the car I really wanted. I ran to hug my dad, Then my mom. Everyone clapped then went back to the party. I stood looking at my new car, then decided not to be stupid so I got in.

Joy would have loved to see this. I sat there taking in the new leather smell, thinking of everywhere Joy and I could have gone.

A voice came from behind me. “Beautiful.” He said.

“Yeah it is,” I said.

“I meant you.” He said boldly.

“Was that a line?” I said without turning around.

“Yeah, he said with a laugh, Did it work?”

I turned around, he was about 6 feet something with dark green eyes so irregular they seemed to take me in. I didn’t want to look away.

“Hi.” He said, let me introduce my self. I’m Andrew."

"Alyssa." I said back to him.

We both walked back into the party. A slow song came on as we entered the main dance floor.

“May I have this dance?” he asked.

“Well, I'm not much of a dancer.” I said.

But he looked at me so tenderly it made me not care whether or not I had two left feet. I took his hand and he led me to the dance floor…I hated to dance more than anything, but as he put his arms around my waist. I smiled. Wishing I could share this moment with my sister, my smile faded, while a single tear ran down my face.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.






You can earn up to 294 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.

Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
798 Reviews


Points: 6517
Reviews: 798

Donate
Sun Oct 08, 2006 6:58 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



Okay, so you've got the beginning's of a story here and for the most part is pretty good, average, I'd say. It could be better. I'm a bit confused as to what tense this is written in.

The dark night sky filled to capacity with stars, and the moon shinning brighter than I can ever remember


, and the moon was shining brighter than I could ever remember. Or

, and the moon shone brighter than I could ever remember.


"Sure, I replied."


"Sure," I replied.

I turned to kick it back to her my face went blank and It seemed as though a blanket of cold had been thrown over the sky. Three shadows surrounded Joy. Her face frozen, then she yelled to me. I new just who they were. Vampires, not only that, but the most brutal and mean of their kind, its been said that when they were changed the vampires took their hearts


This paragraph is terrible and just about ruins the chapter. You need to build atmosphere, and as it is there is no impact on the reader. Here is a suggested rewrite.

I turned to kick it back it to her, then froze at what I saw. My whole face went numb at the sudden cold and darkness. Three shadows surrounded joy--here, describe the shadows, give them physical attributes even though from your description it would appear they are wraiths.--their aspect dark and terrible. Blood red vapours issued from their mouths as they leaned in toward my sister, who stood meek in their presence, eyes glazed. For a horrible moment I thought her already dead, then her eyes focused on mine. Her face froze, then she screamed at me,--here, 'screamed' would be more appropriate and you should tell what she said.-- 'Run!! Alyssa run!" But I couldn't move. I knew what they were; Vampires. -- next, you say they are the most mean and brutal of their kind, how do you know this? Is it their shape? A distintice marking? Are they notorious for some reason?-- Worse, these particular brutes were the most brutal and cruel type of their kind. These were the Klin brothers, rumoured to have willingly changed, to have sold their souls for immortality of the night.

Okay, after this paragraph, you call them 'Men', are they corporeal or wraiths? Either way, describe them as such. Maybe they were materialising at the moment you looked and so it initially appeared that they were 'shadows'. Moreover, are you creating a new type of vampire. Say, the type that can walk and hunt in daylight? If not, you should indicate that you had lost track of time and forgotten the dangers of staying out in the dark. Or some such. I'm sure you'll clear it up.

I hesitated but as closed the door


I hesitated but closed the door.

"No!" I cried, no." Tears rolled down my face like rain. I didn't go back outside till I knew they were gone. I walked out the door, the sky seemed as ice. Frozen I stood on the porch. They were gone but so was Joy. Not even her body lay there.


This is both cliched and unrealistic. What 11yr old girl would venture outside again, following an event like that? Especially, given that she recognized the vampires, knowing the danger? Surely it would be/ have a more dramatic, traumatic impact on her? I suggest you redo her reaction.

The following dialogue isn't good, but that area is not my forte, so I suggest you ask one of the more knowledgeable members, Snoink or Smaur about it. And my computer's gone wonky so there are all sorts of symobls and stuff in the text that prevent me from critiquing. Still, it was for the most part well written. You seem to have redone the vampire. Should be interesting.





Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning