Nonsense of War

your repitition of "staring blindly at the sky/in the eye" didn't really work for the dramatizing affect i'm sure you were going for - it wound up being blantantly obvious. i loved the point of this, i suppose, and the last stanza was well constucted despite the last line that i discussed earlier. the beginning though, was rather bland and drawn out - i mean, how many things can you name in lacking before you moved on? i know these are small critiques, but applying them could most definitely transform the poem completely.

Well, I liked it. Personally, the first few lines (which seem to be the subject of much controversy here, LMAO) were what made it for me. I think people are taking this too literally; what I saw (and I may be way off base here) was irony pure and simple. The place is not beautiful, at least, it may have been, but it isnt now, and what you're saying is to be taken in a sort of dry, ironic humor. Much as I enjoyed it though, there are a few bits I'd change...(warning: very little sleep makes bubblewrapped a grumpy reviewer, so dont take me too seriously at the moment)

It takes place in a land of poverty,
A beautiful place,
Beaches without water,
Children without fathers,
Wives without husbands,
Mourners without corpses,

First of all, you dont need a comma after every line! Punctuation is just as important in a poem as in prose - if not more important. This is how I see it going:

It takes place in a land of poverty -
a beautiful place.
Beaches without water,
children without fathers,
wives without husbands,
mourners without corpses.

Also, I think the "soandso without somethingorother" lines are overdone. You repeat the idea too much and it loses its power. If I were you, I'd select the three most powerful and cut out the forth one so that it seems less...repetitive. By the way, I'm going to be correcting your punctuation as I go. Sorry. I'm kind of compulsive that way.

In the street men and women lie,
bleeding their hearts dry.
But they can't see the blood:
the pain has blinded them.

If you're going to have a rhyme scheme, it really needs to follow some kind of order. You cant just have non-rhyming lines, then rhyming lines, then non-rhyming, unless it comes in some kind of pattern. Of course, if it does and I'm missing something, feel free to ignore me. Otherwise, well, I dont know. It seems kind of cliche here.

And as they whisper their last prayer,
they gasp for the warm soothing air -
the loved ones of the deceased don't know,
but just go on living.

Hmm. "the loved ones...dont know" what? That they're dead? Needs to be a bit clearer here.

And you, like them, live peacefully,
while the courageous lie dead
staring blindly at the sky.
The bodies and their foes,
cultural differences aside,
are the same:

Nothing new here. Could you jazz it up a bit maybe?

forced to fight strangers -
forced by men who don't seem to understand
the weight of the situation.
And like you they live peacefully,
while the courageous lie dead,
staring blindly at the sky.

I like the repetition, but its misplaced IMHO. These few lines may be great and all, but they dont have much significance - or if they do, its not clear enough and strong enough to really hit hard when you say it again. This takes a lot of the sting out of the poem if you ask me. Also, the "forced by men who dont seem to understand/the weight of the situation"...I dont know. It seems wrong to me. Weight is perhaps the wrong word. Gravity might be better. But still, I cant really see what you're trying to get at here.

And I ask the people who sent them,
do you know what you are doing?
Trading lives for oil.
It's a "War for Wealth"
while the courageous lie dead,
staring you blindly in the eye.

Yeah, I guess this is kind of a superfluous verse here, although the repetition fits much better here than earlier in the poem. Perhaps if you chopped out, "forced by men who dont seem to understand" to "staring blindly at the sky" up there, and tack this bit on there, it will have more flow- like:

forced to fight strangers.
And (they) ask the people who sent them,
Do you know what you are doing?
Trading lives for oil.
It's a "War for Wealth"
while the courageous lie dead,
staring you blindly in the eye.

To be honest, the poem itself doesnt really have much of a rhythm - I mean, not much of a unifying rhythm anyway, although individual bits come across with their own sort of beat. Its kind of like you're marching to several beats (or ideas) at once, if you know what I mean. I think thats really the problem here; you arent quite certain about what it is you're saying. Or maybe its just that you're saying too much and we've really heard it all before. I'm really tired & maybe I'm being a bit mean, so please, feel free to ignore me if you want. I just think you need to choose a sentiment (either, war is wasteful, war is tragic, etc.) and run with it, instead of trying to encompass the whole kaboodle in one poem. Its a big topic!
Perhaps the poem would benefit from division into stanzas? But anyway, my grouching aside, there are some really great lines and the overall idea is very powerful. So keep working at it I'll look forward to seeing some more of your work around the site.

I thought I'd add another verse

Nah I'm not offended.
I can see where your all coming from, as weird as that place may be.

Nefer wrote:Sorry if I said anything to offend you Slothman/Shadow Knight.

What I got from this poem wasn't anything that made sense.
But not in a bad way.
I think I see where you're coming from, in that beauty can be something strange, something different. Beauty doesn't have to be enchanting eyes or an amazing view. It can be something that, by textbook standards, really isn't beautiful.
I'm not neccessarily saying that death is the most gorgeous thing in the world! But the fact you have all races, all genders, all religions lying side by side, after loving and fighting so hard...I see why it maight be considered beautiful.
This poem makes me think of love. Don't ask me why! I'm a bit odd.

Yes, to me the solar system IS beautiful for reasons I can't explain.

When I read:

Slothman wrote:It takes place in a land of poverty,
A beautiful place,
Beaches without water,

Nefer wrote:OK. Well maybe it should have said that the country had once been beautiful but after the war things changed and maybe it didn't appear beautiful to foreigners.

Thanx, but i feel if i make it to complicated, it kind of loses some of its effect.

OK. Well maybe it should have said that the country had once been beautiful but after the war things changed and maybe it didn't appear beautiful to foreigners.

Pfft, you call this dramatic?

Anyway, Nefer, Beauty is not a conventional thing. Beauty varies from person to person, each person thinks a different thing is beautiful. In this case, it isn't that type of beauty, but the type of beauty that would refer to a star going supernova.

thanks, appretiate the feedback.

I liked the way you described things ironically-children without fathers, beaches without water. However, widows obviously don't have husbands, otherwise they wouldn't be widows. Maybe change it to wives without husbands? Anyway, it's a good kind of shock tactic, I guess. Also I think you may have skipped from present to past tense-"In the street men and women lay", but then, "And as they whispered their last prayer". Even if it was intentional, I think sticking with present tense creates more of a sense of urgency. Overall, I liked the way you used oxymorons, is that what they're called? Oh, and there's one line that sticks out really long, maybe split that in half-"Forced by men who don't seem to understand the weight of the situation". But yes, good work.

I don't know what to make of this poem. I'm not sure which category this would go under.

Slothman wrote:It takes place in a land of poverty,
A beautiful place,
Beaches without water,

Slothman wrote:While the courageous lie dead,
Staring blindly at the sky.