Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
INTRO:
All the miles we walked the while,
Were just a pile of fragile lies.
Im done mourning your hatred,
Your masquerade's over tonight!
VERSE 1
I don't think you've met this pain that im in.
Else you wont point these fingers at my sins.
High off of meth and cocaine, i'm cut open.
I'm never sober, veins have frozen over
and all i can hope for is death as I'm sobin'.
Dont you tell me what's love bitches.
Just ask me what thing this love is.
Love is a needle.
A need disagreeble, go pick it or break it, you bleed and you cripple.
Love is a queer pain I can't understand,
When it hurts you like damn
Why you still want that refill.
You messed with my life and now I'ma waste.
Witness my distress but let me confess.
I'm pissed at you no less than im at myself,
I threw my ass knowingly in this abyss and now...
CHORUS:
I wanna pause this fuckin' world rewind!
Take myself back in the time.
When we were us, you were mine!
Sometimes!
I wanna pause this fuckin' world rewind!
Take my love back, leave your life.
There was no us you weren't mine!
You weren't mine! You weren't mine!
VERSE 2:
Don't you tell me what's love bitches.
Just ask me what thing this love is.
Love is like dope.
It's one rope you grope when you can't cope with shit and give up on hope.
Love is that war you win only when you lose,
And you cruise that ship bruised
With loose sails and no crew.
Love is a curse.
with no salvation, you worship and hate it yo first hurts the worst.
Love is a knife that you'd die and you'd kill for,
But fuck it, I dont want none of it I'm full.
They never listened when i said love pains.
They just laughed at me, "Slie man, you'te insane!".
Yeah guess i am when I say we shared lanes,
But i know her games now, and I'm no longer waitin', I...
CHORUS:
I wanna pause this fuckin' world rewind!
Take myself back in the time,
When we were us, you were mine!
Sometimes!
I wanna pause this fuckin' world rewind!
Take my love back, leave your life,
There was no us you weren't mine.
You weren't mine! You weren't mine!
-SLiEBEAST
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
I'm really surprised there aren't more reviews on this already, but one thing's for certain this is a damn good rap.
Firstly the spelling nit-picks I noticed. In the third line you have written "Im" instead of "I'm", in the first line of verse on you have again missed the apostrophe and forgotten to capitalize the I. There are a number of errors of this nature so I won't highlight all of them, but you get the picture. Also in the first verse I think the first two lines should be one sentence. In the ninth line of verse two you have forgotten to capitalize the first letter. In line thirteen of the second verse you have misspelled "you're."
spelling, punctuation and grammar errors aside I am extremely impressed by this piece. I do lyrics myself, but have always found rap difficult. I am particularly impressed with the internal rhymes, such as "It's one rope you grope when you can't cope with shit and give up on hope." This however leads on to a slight criticism I have, that is I don't like "give up on hope," I think you should miss out the preposition, it seems unnatural in some way.
Other than that as I said this is very impressive, overall I'll give this 8.8/10.
Yours in reviewing,
Take That You Fiend!
Hey fiend! Thanks for reviewing my work. I'll be correcting the grammar and yeah the "give up on hope" does look odd xD And yeah, it's a shame there aren't much people who appreciate hip-hop here. That's why I didn't think of posting my other stuff xD
Thanks for the feedback! If you post any more works like this tell me, and I'll review them, there are far too few lyrics on here, particularly those I actually like reviewing. I know what you mean though, I have the same trouble and I write conventional lyrics. The best thing to do is to post a link on your wall, tag any people who have complemented your work before (like france below) and remind anyone who gives you a complement to *like* your work. Then post a couple of requests on the Will RReview For Food thread in the forums. If you're lucky and you get enough likes in 24 hours you can make it onto the literary spotlight.
Good luck!
Did you made this song about me? Because i'm at the same situation as this song xD jkejke xD This is BEAUTIFUL. Agony, suffer, sorrow, depression,metaphors,imagery and a heartbreaking feeling are revealing in this song. I love it! This is literally fantastic! I bet a lot of people will relate to this song. I also feel that at the end this song will be a rock/metal song? Or a mellow song? Punk? XD waah, i really cant stop re-reading this! This is really fantastic! It's wondefully amazing! XD i hope this get composed so i could listen to it every single time. Keep writing songs my fellow writer! I bet someday you'll be an amazing writer throughout the world. Keep up the good work!
Haha thanks! And yep the chorus is in Metal xD