| Chapter 1 Awaken (All Pokemon belong to Nintendo) (Jobs, FF characters belong to square enix) *On a cliff, the most north of Alexandrian's main trade point, Rico harbor, a tree was falling off a cliff and this is where we meet our hero* "Jake! hold on!" someone said to the 15 year old male human on the branch of a cliff side tree... it was the worst storm to ever hit the Alexandrian region. "I-i-i can't!" Jake yelled as fear began to envelope him. screaming... Jake fell head first on a rock on the side of the cliff and fell in the water. *1 hour later* Jake awoke to the crashing waves of the shore. "what... the?" Jake said to himself observing his surroundings. Jake came to the conclusion that he was at Gale shore. the most northern part of Alexandria. he had trouble figuring out where he was because the impact of the rock caused him a very serious case of amnesia."Why am I here?" he asked himself as he started to bathe his fur for it was tainted in sand. Jake was relived to have his fur clean. but then he noticed something strange. he did not have any fur the last time he took a bath. He turned into a Riolu! he now is a small, blue, canine Pokon. he has black legs and torso, a blue tail, and a yellow collar. he has rounded bumps on the backs of its forepaws. he has a black "mask" and red eyes. he now stands on his toes instead of his entire foot. "Oh no... I'm a riolu!" he exclaimed with shock clearly in his voice. just as Jake was done screaming, a cyndaquil is a small, bipedal Pokon with bluish fur on top of its body, and a milky color on the underside. Cyndaquil seems to be a composite of features from the echidna and the shrew. The echidna features are the flames from its back, while its general body shape is shrew-like. Its eyes are often closed and it has a long, thin snout. It lacks claws on its forelimbs, but has a single claw on each hind foot. Cyndaquil is usually timid by nature and often curls into a ball when intimidated. It has four red spots on its back from which its flames erupt. came with a red hat on his head, brimmed with white cotton, a red silk cloak, also brimmed with cotton but this time, but it was tainted black. and he had a brown leather bag full of Oran berries, sitris berries, and even some elixirs. he also had a strange gold armlet. The cyndaquil's eyes widened as he saw Jake up and about, looking for a place to rest. "Y-y-Your alive?" he asked when he came up to Jake. "yeah..." Jake answered, backing up to sit down on a rock. careful to avoid sitting on his new found tail. he asked who the cyndaquil was and what is he doing here. 'oh! silly me... I'm Seth. the red mage around these parts." he said with proud. "A Pokemon mage?" Jake asked himself. he knows he heard of them before... but never seen one before... "Now you can fight... right?" Seth asked shyly. the tone in his voice made Seth sound kinda homosexual. but since Jake was a riolu, he could sense his fear and no homosexuality in his behavior. "Yeah... i dabble" Jake said, with kindness in his words... ever so placed in context. "Great! I need you to come with me!" Seth said dragging Jake along the sand to the gates of a temple. "I have a client in there that needs rescuing... but the monsters in there are immune to black magic! and weak to Knight ability's" he explained. was Seth a secret agent or something? Seth gave Jake a Sapphire studded armlet with 4 key holes, 2 were filled. one was a light brown gem inside the hole that was labeled F. and the other was a silver gem in the hole with K on it."you need a asterisk to change into a knight... but I can't equip it... but I tried it on you to experiment and sure enough... you can equip it!"he told Jake. he hoped that Jake would understand what he was going though... and he did. "So... how do you activate it?" Jake asked, puzzled. "easy! Just think like you need to protect someone... you need to strike back at foes with a ton of energy and gusto!"Seth explained, which got louder and louder till he was yelling the answer. Jake covered is big ears, "Okay, okay! you don't have to start yelling!" he scolded at Seth. Seth took it as you would expect a mother to ask her obese child to eat some candy... very well. Jake started to concentrate... thinking "Protect... serve... save... protect..." he mumbled to himself.not that much later... he found that shining armor, shining like the moon's moon light. and a steel long sword with a Riolu mark on the hilt. same with the buckler that he was given too. Seth Admired the armor's glowing shine from Jake's head to toe. Jake had no helmet so he would be more agile. "alright let's go in!" Jake said as he started on his way. as they entered the entry was a light green with a hint of blue, the walls were made of the same colored bricks while the floor was made out of some sapphire tinted tile and bejeweled with Sapphires and jades, so many even an alakazam couldn't count them all! they stepped on a green tile right at the entry way. The temple's doors closed with a loud THUD. Jake and Seth looked at each other in fright. "Jake... I'm Scared..." Seth said as his fire started to dim."Don't worry Seth..." " everything is going to be Just fine..." Jake said with confidence... but a little worry could be detected "confident aren't you?" a dark voice said. "Who said that?" Jake asked, seconds before he and Seth were enveloped in darkness. all that could be heard was steady breathing, and they could feel their own hot breaths... and for what seemed like hours... Seth lost conscience.. and Jake short after. but not before hearing these words. "I never seen a riolu knight and a cyndaquil red mage... they'll help allot" a young male said. "Good let's for it... i hope they could forgive us..." a female voice said worryingly... and Jake felt powerless as his and Seths armlets were slowly removed. and Jake, after seeing their armlets removed, blacked out. "So this is what they used eh?" the female voice said. "well we can use them and make some stew for dinner later!" the male voice stated. Chapter 2 Captive
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! So I'm going to start out with saying good job!
I'm going to address a few things that were either good or need fixing.
Pros (the good)
1. You have a very interesting story idea and I think it's cool that you did it off of a Pokémon Dungeon game I believe with a twist of Final Fantasy or Bravely Default. (I'm kind of just assuming)
Cons (the bad)
1. Now it seems you have quite a bit of grammar, punctuation, spelling, and capitalization errors. That is something you definitely need to look into because too much of this can really take away from the story itself.
2. Furthermore, you may want to look into how you organize your structure/content.
Good job and keep up the good work!!!
(I hate pokemon but I'm going to review this anyway lol)
"lucario's ears were splattered across the wall. and just the room was like a lucario had a nuke explode in a lucario. Jake's stomach started to churn... and he Threw up, the meal left his waistline faster"
I suggest not putting lucario 3 times in a sentence and "Threw" shouldn't be capitalized.
"H-how could people like tiz and anges do this?!?"
I'm assuming those are names, so you might want to capitalize that.
And the "lucario's guts part" was just kind of gross, maybe too descriptive.
H-how could people like tiz and anges do this?!?" Jake said, sobbing. Seth felt bad... anges really is trying to help them and tiz... but he couldn't tell for whatever reason... come on Jake... let's go... um.... further inside! yeah... tiz and anges can't reach us in there!" set told Jake. Wiping his eyes and avoiding Lucario guts, Jake went inside the freezer's halls... with anges trailing close behind. as they
Your doing too much dots after words, it's a run-on sentence, and it isn't nessecary to put it there.
"copses on the ground"
I think you meant corpses.
they kept going till they saw a light at the end. and they moved towards it.
That didn't have to be two sentences and "they" needs to start with a capital.
Ex: They kept going until they saw a light at the end, moving towards it.
"till" wouldn't be a correct grammar term.
And those big spaces are a little annoying, too. The *Warning if your lightheaded now..
was a example of those big spaces.
Seth... I'm the one who asked for you." Anges told him with tears in her eyes. Seth couldn't believe it.. he couldn't! "Are you sure?" Seth asked. Anges pulled out a peice of paper, the same as the one he has in his bag. "Well I'll be a son of a magnesium... your the client!" he exclaimed. "So Missy? Oh, I meant Anges." Seth asked. Anges whispered to Seth, "I saw he/she is possessed by a food demon... that's why he brought me and you two here!" Anges explained how food demons devour the cooked flesh of Pokemon and humans, "These food demons are much like cannibals."Anges finished explaining. "I believe Tiz's soul is in the freezer-And he thinks I'm possessed too, so I'll hide you in this broken oven." Anges told Seth. Little did Jake know,the oven was the "table" that he was on! But the one Seth was going in was the oven beside him!
This is a paragraph I tried my best to grammatically correct. I didn't really understand a lot of what you wrote. I think you should make it more clear. At the beginning there was way too many spaces.
Your not putting capitals on a lot of what you are writing, for example: "the smell of rotting corpses got worse and worse. they plugged their noses"
Remember, you always have to put a capital after a period.
The temple's doors closed with a loud THUD. Jake and Seth looked at each other "well we can use them and make some stew for dinner later!" the male voice stated.
Instead of putting thud in caps, it'd be better italicized because it'd emphasize the point.
Seth lost conscience.. and Jake short after. but not before hearing these words. "I never seen a riolu knight and a cyndaquil red mage... they'll help allot" a young male said.
Once again, don't put dots you can use a semicolon to separate it, or just one of these: , And again, with the capitals. Here is the corrected form:
Seth lost conscience, and Jake short after; but not before hearing these words: ''I never have seen a Riolu Knight and a Cyndaquil Red Mage, they'll help a lot."
Since "Riolu" and "Cyndaquil" are names I'm assuming, they should also be in capitals.
"everything is going to be Just fine..." Jake said with confidence... but a little worry could be detected "confident aren't you?" a dark voice said."
Once again, the word just isn't capitalized. Only names of places and names are, or the beginning of a sentence, or quote. And the dots too--you don't need those. You should also put a period after detected, and capitalize the word Confident, also.
"Bones and Blood"
Once again, no capitals, just: bones and blood.
I didn't really understand this at all.