Published September 17, 2009
You’re the top for my bottom
that doesn’t quite fit
You feel like soft cotton
with an iron tip.
You’re like a love song
gone rock’n’roll
What you say is wrong
And it don’t matter at all.
___ Thanks in advance to all readers & reviewers (:
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140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
your poem is so coool!
i found that there was one thing which could be edited:-
Instead of
you should write
Excluding this mistake, i found your poem perfect! What you have written is so true. A relationship is never perfect, and there are no two people of the same thoughts.
These are my favorite lines in the poem. very well written!
this line is so comical, yet so sensible, which is what makes the poem all the more enjoyable.
I really have no idea how writers like you use such perfect lines...( as you can see after reading my poem!)
I loved your poem. Do inform me if you write more...
cool with a twist...
Kiss me again,
With your soft lips.
hold my hand,
With your fingertips.
look me in the eyes,
I love how they glow.
like stars in the sky,
Twinkling like so.
come with me,
Away for a walk.
to the tree,
Where we can talk.
i picked these flowers,
Your favorite ones.
today love is ours,
if love was weight I'd love you tons
by Rainbow Mountain 7-30-2009
I'm going to keep this short and to the point like your poem (which I loved by the way
I completely love this. Totally describes this guy I fell in love with then lost. "Your like a love song. Gone rock'n'roll" . . . Masterpiece.
<3
I agree a lot with smorgishborg. Still, however I do like the meaning behind this. It is so true. Keep writing!
Thank you!
I get what you're saying. I'll try to use your advice in further writing. Thanks very much for reviewing & explaining (:
Of course!
Let's use this image as an example. Poems are about saying a lot with a little- really really good poetry (of which I would never claim to write) will cause the reader to think and image way beyond what's simply written on the page. As a reader; this line conjured something along the lines of this:
Whether or not that was what you had in mind is irrelevant; I don't think you have enough in the words "soft cotton/iron tip" to impact me emotionally in any way. The adjective "soft" is largely redundant when paired with "cotton". Instead, a more offbeat adjective (but well-crafted- not just any adjective will do) would cause a reader to create a more fulfilling image in their head. The words "iron tip" are also pretty pedestrian, but in particular the word "tip" is such a simple and (in this case) uninteresting word, that it really doesn't help this poem at all. Here's what this line (and poem for that matter) is trying to say: "Love is complicated". But the way it says it gives the reader no taste of love, of heartbreak, of desire, or of pain.
To borrow a lesson from a creative writing teacher of mine; one of the best ways a writer has found to say "Love is complicated" is the following:
It's the name of a book by Carston McCullers, that was made into a movie, and put on Oprah's book club 64 years after publication. But just think about how much this one line says. The words "lonely hunter" conjure strong images for me, as they do with almost everyone. I think of something like this:
The slower bits from Copeland's Appalacian Spring play in my head. Go figure It's really a remarkable line. I feel like that line is such a strong metaphor in that it gives such a powerful visual component to this vague idea of "love is complicated". Love is the cold of winter, the sport of hunting, the peace (or pain) of solitude and quiet. This line does so much for me- I think it's lines that have this effect that should be a goal in writing. It's not even close to a necessity but it's something to strive for once in a while.
I would expect your basic imagery in the meat of your poem to just do more for me. With this poem, it is what it is and nothing more. I'm not expert on poetry, feel free to take it up with me.
Thank you for all for reviewing.
I understand the points you criticise.
smorgishborg, could you give me an example of what is, in your eyes, a vivid image? That might really help me to improve in further writing, because, yes, I have to agree with your point of view (:
Thanks!
There's effort here, but just not enough.
Before you even tackle the issue of the misfit last line, (Pgs is right, by the way- it's an awkward phrase)you've got to give this poem some meat. If you're going to write two stanzas to encompass a complicated relationship (all relationships are complicated, there's no excuse) make your words count. In this poem, there's not a single image that is in anyway vivid. What do you expect the reader to take home from this poem?
Two ill-fitting parts?
- Nothing new.
Cotton with an iron tip?
- Uh... steel wool?
A rock and roll love song?
- Nothing new, again.
What I'm saying is that imagery is what drives a poem. If nothing in your poem grabs the reader- they will stop reading. For your poem, being two stanzas, the reader will probably soldier through- but don't expect them to remember a word. You're building your poem like a hamburger- sure you can put a patty between two buns and have it plain, but so can everybody else. Give it lettuce, tomato, onions, some condiments- anything!
Make people interested in your hamburger.
Hello there (:
First off, your poem is so true, at least in my eyes it is. There is no "perfect" relationship.
Next, I like how it was cute and simple with a great rhythm. I also like the metaphor "You’re like a love song / gone rock’n’roll". It really describes that character.
Overall, it is a really good poem. I like! (:
--CuteBalletDancer
OK. First things first - great poem. Short and to the point, just the way I like them. It has an awesome rhyme scheme too, which I loved.
However, I had a bit of trouble with the syllables in each line - for instance, the first stanza (verse) was good, but with the ABAB rhyme scheme, the "B" lines were too short to match the "A" lines.
In this line from the second stanza there is the same problem. Maybe you could try "That's gone rock'n'roll"?
Other than that, I loved it!
Keep writing!
Pgsgirl x