Crimson red
Like the shade of your lips
Violent stems
Like the curve of your hips
Delicate petals
Like the touch of your skin
Subliminal messages
Like the actions of sins
Transformations from
A beautiful red heart
Filled with love
Warmth and compassion
To a tainted, vile secreting
Shade of blackness
Desecrating my well being
Smothering my motive
To continue with my ever
Dissolving life
Spiting pain splitting
Through my conscienceless
Too much to handle
Too much to bear
Extinguish this anguish
Dissolve this despair
Hope slithers through
The tiny yet glimmering
Shade of light
Within my reach
My hopeful hand outstretched
Begging my own self to take hold
Surrounded by the vicious
Vast, echoed screams of my
Torment of love
I wait...
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Instant first impression: I loved this (There is rarely a piece that I do not love unless the author does not know the meaning of the words, "Proper grammar."
The imagery was pretty amazing, and the ending was epic. I could see it all in my head, and I love it when authors do that to me. It's just proof that what we do (writing) is an art.
There is one thing that I would like to mention, however.
Up until this point, you had a very nice rhyme scheme going. It felt really natural, not forced at all, and that is something that I very rarely see. But then you kind of ditch it, and I think that it throws the rhythm off just a little.
And then you do it again.
It kind of messes the reader up, because if they read rhyme they are more then likely going to expect it to be throughout the whole poem and when it isn't it throws them off kilter.
I don't think that you should change it, however, because it would totally mess this poem up. I'm just pointing it out to you and giving you my opinion.
Anyway, this was amazing. You're a really good writer.
KT
Thank you I kinda did that intentionally to try something new and see what my peers would think obviously it wasn't very smart :p. thank you for the review nonetheless I really appreciate it
Oh my goodness, this is amazing! *o*
Thank you
This is a beautiful piece. You definitely have a talent for writing poems and should continue. Some things that I like about it is definitely the vocab and use of it. For example in the lines "Surrounded by the vicious
Vast, echoed screams of my
Torment of love
I wait..."
with the words vicious, vast, echoed, and torment, they are strong words and elicit the emotion that you are wanting and I like that you use the more uncommon and feeling words because it does allow the reader to feel what you are wanting them to. The next thing that I liked is that it transitioned from this lovely showing of feeling and similes to this longing of love. I think that I would probably only drag out the change a little by adding in a line or two more about the transition or maybe using stronger vocab in this part but this is the only thing that I see. keep up the good work.
Merci!