Destruction Of The Demise Tribe

PROLOUGE

Chief Nini sat on a woven mat. He was day dreaming of what it would be like for his daughter to be sent away to be married. A shiver ran through his body as a gust of wind blew around him, lifting his long tangled hair. Chief Nini’s eyelids opened revealing his dark eyes. He was back in his Moose-Tail house. Chief Nini exited the tent, and his beady black eyes looking over his tribe.

Little ones were playing with ducks and using them as planes. The young was cooking and some were searching for food. The old were telling stories and huffing on their Cigars. The old used Majik to project pictures in water and smoke to tell the great stories of the village, Demise.

Everything seemed as it was supposed to be. The Balance was not leaning or tilting. Chief Nini felt powerful to be able to take control and run the tribe his own way.

Not far from Chief Nini, was Ello Marks, who shared the blood of the Demise Tribe and the Elf Village. Ello was searching all over the lands in his mind. Looking over Dragon Cave Island to Volcano Imp Island. Nothing strange was going on.

There was a disturbance in the air. Everyone looked up at the blue sky. Exchanging of looks and whispers filled the silent air. The old began holding their children. Some let their Cigars fall out their mouths and hit the luscious green grass. A hard gust of wind hit the tribe making their Moose-Tail homes almost fly off the grounds. Leaves flew everywhere, the Central Fire had blown out, hats and wigs made of animal had been carried away by the strong winds.

“Mama, the water is gone.” a child squealed.

The old and the young looked at the river. It was completely bare. A gasp rose and flowed over the crowd of the Demise Tribe.

“The river has been raped!” one of the old screamed. “How will we drink?”

Others nodded in agreement. More chat passed through the tribe.

“How will I wash the clothes? We need to bathe as well!” another one of the old said.

“We bathe in that water?!” one of the young gasped.

Chief Nini felt weak. How could this happen? Who did this? Chief Nini knew if he didn’t come up with something the tribe will vote him off as chief. He couldn’t lose power. Not now, not ever.

“Chief Nini,” one of the young pulled on Chief Nini’s pants. “…we’re going to die, aren’t we?” A frown appeared on the young ones face.

Chief Nini was silent. “No, young one. We’ll find someone to fix it.”

Ello had opened his eyes. His long dark hair covering his eyes, his pale lips opened as he began to speak. “Someone has taken some of the Glow Sphere’s. Out of water, earth, wind, fire, darkness, moons, -”

Chief Nini had gotten annoyed by how Ello kept going on and on. “We get it, Ello. Which elements were taken?” Chief Nini asked. The young child looked eager to know.

“The same old five. Water, Earth, Wind, Fire, and Darkness.” Ello shrugged. Ello’s giant pointed Elf ears turned a slight pink because of the sudden temperature drop.

“Impossible.” one of the old wheezed. “No one can touch the Glow Sphere’s! Unless you are…Evernight Dim Ness…” Everyone was quiet at the end of the old ones explanation. Only the wind was talking.

“No one speaks of Edn!” Chief Nini hissed. “He has been killed!” Chief Nini was in fact petrified of the thought of Edn. He had heard stories of how frightening Edn was and how Edn killed everything and everyone in his path. Edn was the master of night, fear itself, darkness’s leader, apocalypse, Grim Weepers worst nightmare, the king of nightmares, ruler of the DarkZone, immortals rajah! He was Death itself.

“He has returned, Chief Nini.” Ello reported softly. “Edn, will rule once more and take over.”

“You do not see that in your visions, Ello. Edn, does not exist.” Chief Nini huffed.

“What’s that in the sky?” one of the young pointed.

Everyone looked up and panted, some fainted onto ground. “The Mark of Edn.” Ello looked in awe. He wasn’t surprised but, feeling little hope that the world will get out of this. The Mark of Edn was made of clouds. The Mark was skull and the letter ‘X’ taking form in the backround. Around the skull were swords. A clash of thunder echoed in the air, as lightning followed behind filling the sky with light and terror. Rain hit hard like rocks. The rain knocked out a little one who was soon picked up by an old one. The winds picked up speed swallowing all who were in its grasp. Screams and yells were shared. Even blood was splattered on the grass.

“…Who will save us now?” Chief Nini whispered as he was pulled away into the trees for safety.

Ello nodded as he followed Chief Nini. He was waiting for the Saviors to come…but, they hadn’t been heard of in over two decades.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Embee
Review
Embee wrote a review · Sat May 15, 2010 2:37 am

Hello and welcome to YWS! I definitely think you should continue and you should never give up writing; it doesn't matter who likes it and who doesn't. ;)

Chief Nini sat on a woven mat.


Not the best opening. Don't be afraid to throw us right into the action! A good beginning helps to hook the reader and makes us want to keep reading.

We bathe in that water?!” one of the young gasped. “We drink that water. Gross,”


Your dialogue is pretty formal and the "gross" at the end of this kind of throws that off. Make your dialogue more natural. Sit and listen to how people talk, it will really help when writing dialogue.

llo nodded as he followed Chief Nini. He was waiting for the Saviors to come…but, they hadn’t been heard of in over two decades.


This was a nice, solid ending.

Overall:

You could do a lot better by adding in more suspense, drama, etc., but your plot idea is great. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes and I hope you continue it because it has lots of potential. Just work on your dialogue.

Good luck,

Embee

User avatar
Sleepingdawn Comment

I'm sorry if you don't like it. :|
Anyway, how you pronounce Cheif Nini's name is weird, I suppose.
It's Neh-Neh. Not, KNEE KNEE. I'm sorry if you don't like the name choices. I'll try my best. I'll be reviewing all over. I'm up for harsh criticism. Though, not too harsh that you give me sereve writers block. You're awesome if you review and give suggestions. I'd also be nice if you could vote as well. I know it's a rocky idea but, I've had it in My Documents for months and after posting it on WritersCafe.com and getting reviews on it. I thought I'd post it here. Sorry for yapping.

Thanks for reading,

Selena



True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.
— Brené Brown