Published May 15, 2010
Tear Drops
I hold myself tightly as I watch the door knob twist,
My heart judders as I hear him hiss.
He says I've been bad and that I must pay,
"Lord," I speak. "Must I die today?"
I see demons fly above me waiting for my beating,
They were forming a silent meeting.
I stand in the corner that I always cherish,
Soon, I was going to perish.
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139,689 Literary Works • 672,650 Reviews
I'm not a poet, but this was really good!! I liked it very much!
It connected with the girls fear, and it explained things well!
Awesome!
Hey. I like what you have written. It is not like most of what you see written. It is a little short though. But I've done that too.
I do have a little criticism. In your third section, your rhyming seems a little forced. Try make it a little smoother, and natural. Make it what you want to say.
The last thing is, on your last line, you say, 'Soon, I was going to parish.' You have been using present tense the whole of the poem, but it clashes in that line. You may want to say, 'Soon, I am going...' Also, have a look at parish.
But other than that, it was a great poem. If you have any question, or you want me to have a look at something else, feel free to PM me.
Review time.
Just one little issue I found:
In this line I think you meant 'perish', not 'parish'. Seeing as 'parish' means a church group or a county, while 'perish' means to pass away. I would guess that either works, since you mentioned both God and dying but 'parish' doesn't make quite as much sense.
Onto the good:
Personally, I love it when people use words that rhyme when you say them, not when you read them. Mostly because it inspired people to think about the process of writing a little bit more and even encourage them to read it out loud.
Judders, I had never heard of this word before. Learn something new everyday.
Also, I commend you for choosing a challenging and raw topic. It tends to be harder to write about them.
Overall, I like it. Keep it up.