You see, every day remains the same for me
I often wonder what it takes to set me free
I stare into this dark abyss that is known as my life
No where to run, no where to hide, no way to cope or strife
As my life spirals down
I get lost in my own town
And everything I see is gray, and all the the colors are gone
They slowly fade away, as I look into the dawn
But yet they seem to be searching for sanctuary
As I view this world I start to learn these things are just imaginary
All apologies to people that I will leave behind
I can't explain the pain and rage that dwells inside of my mind
I feel I've lost the war inside my head that keeps me alive
And everything I've ever loved is going to slowly subside
Theres only one way for this pain to numb
Once I come down I see what I've become
My family thinks there's another way for my problems to be solved
Only then, once they speak the pills have already dissolved
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Slaughtamelon... Mmm... Melon...
Sorry XD
Anyway, BornLoser is here to review your poem ^_^
From what I can see, the protagonist is suffering from depression. I don't know if this is what you were aiming for, but I'm just saying what I can see in this piece ^3^ I can relate to the protagonist as I suffer from depression, and sometimes it can make you feel so sick of life that you want to end it. The protagonist chose pills of course, which is sad... but it was to be expected, what with the mood of the poem.
Your structure, rhythm and writing style are all very good good ^.^ I especially like this part:
It's relatable, as I have thought this sometimes when I act different and out of place with people I know.
Overall, very goodie poem :3 keep writing my friend!
To me, this poem has set a dark and depressing mood. It gave me an insight into the speaker’s internal struggle to find their happiness, and how they wish to break free from the burden of pain pulling them down, but find it almost impossible. It’s always there, despite their best efforts. So, in the end, they feel that “true” freedom comes from suicide. I’m not familiar with poetry as much, so I can’t really comment on its technical aspects. However, I have enjoyed reading your poem. Well done, and keep writing!
Hello there Slaughtamelon, The Silent Bagpipe here to review some of your work.
First off let me start with my thoughts on your poem - When I first started reading the 1st line, I immediately was engrossed with it. Your words pulled me into the poem and didn't let go until the last line. I loved the feeling and emotion I found in your poem. From what I got from your poem it is about someone who is in a rough situation and decides to take pills to get out of it. That can speak to many a person's problems. I myself have been in many a rough patch so your poem really hit home for me. Luckily though I had a friend who helped me out of it before I "drowned"
Onto the structure of your poem - The rhythm was very good, and you did an amazing job on the rhyming! Rhyming is a big part in poetry, a big part that is too often dismissed in nowadays poems.
One line I don't really understand though is this one -
"No where to run, no where to hide, no way to cope or strife"
It didn't make sense (to my mind) and I would love to know what you meant by it. "Cope" and "strife" mean to way different things. The word "strife" (correct me if im wrong please) means "hardships" or "trouble" ....it just didn't make any sense to me to put it there....please shine some light on my confusion
Other than that measly little thing, your poem ROCKED =P
Keep writing!
The Silent Bagpipe signing off - Selina
Thank you for the review, makes me glad I was able to pull your attention in. In the line you mentioned to clear up the confusion, when I say "cope" it means to deal with it in an effective way, when I say "strife" I mean it as no way to fight against the hardships, so in that line what I was saying is there's no real way to handle this in an effective way. If that makes any sense to help out.
Well this was a nice little poem about being lost. I really liked the first four lines "You see... cope or strife" because they rhymed and had a certain rhythm about them. After these lines it seems you begin to shorten your thoughts and for me, the poem lost its rhythm. The shorter lines beginning with "As my life spirals..." did not contain as much depth as the previous lines. The rhymes began to become more apparent.
I thought it was coy how I didn't even notice the first four lines rhymed at all. However, the inclusion of the shorter lines drew my attention to the rhymes, and I wasn't paying attention to the feeling evoked by your words.
I'm not a stickler for punctuation because I like to think that writers can do as they please. Here, especially so because the lack of punctuation ties in with your "where am I going with my life" theme. Also, in this line:
The word "is" is capitalized, and I am unsure if it was on purpose. The phrase "that Is known as my life" is a bit awkward here and I would look into rephrasing it. Other than that, good job. Keep writing!
I'll defentatly look into it and find ways to make things more depth thank you for the review
Well I edited it and made it longer what do you think now?
Much better! It flows really well now, and the rhymes are less apparent. I think there's a skill in having rhymes but not emphasizing them. The only lines I would reevaluate are:
Any thoughts?