Despite the artificial atmosphere and a protective field I could still feel the heat of the flare as I rounded the arc of escaping energy. I span the tiller wheel, letting the grips paddle my palms, so I still had a measure of control. I swayed to the side as I tacked round the growing circumference of the flare, speeding around it and then setting a straight course again. I glanced back to my opposition, their sails smouldering on jet blue and blacksmith forge yellow, some looped on the outside of the flare, some hooped on the inside, angling out from the surface of the sun to get a boost of solar wind. I trimmed my main sail in tight and tilted my keel sail to be parallel with the sun. I angled into the surface of the sun at a small angle, not wanting to let the immense gravity catch hold of my small craft.
‘Meeki!' How’s the head sail doing?’ my friend from the Irnavae System (a chameleon type creature) ran down from the mast and jumped over to the bow of the boat, looking up at the head sail then looking back at me, flicking me an opposable thumbs up. I looked from Meeki to the sun, noticing the surface begin to heave. Another flare was on the way, and a large one by the looks of it. I yanked the head sail lever and span it all the way in, the micro-winch whirring on the top and base of the mast, reeling in the sail. I pulled back the lever and trimmed the main sail and keel sail down to minimum, and took the head sail all the way back in, then aimed the boat into a deep angle at the sun.
‘What the hell are you doing? Your gonna get yourself killed!’ came the voice of one of my opposition over the radio,
‘Just watch, I got this.’ I said back, but not with entire confidence. I turned my wheel further in, aiming for the flare spot that was heaving as if a monster was flailing to get loose underneath.
‘Ronan you get yourself out of there now!’ another voice came over the radio, control tower.
‘Just give me a minute!’ I checked my speed and it had almost doubled in the last minute, Sol had its grip on me and I was being pulled in.
‘Come on, burst all ready’ I said under my breath. The surface gave one last heave then flew out, a massive flare spreading and arching, with me directly in its path.
‘NOW.’ I threw all 3 levers up; spinning out both main sail and head sail out and folding the keel sail out from underneath me.
‘Still not enough’, the flare was catching up to me. My heart was racing, and another idea popped into my head. I waited for the flare to get to the maximum distance that a ship could take then threw out the handle for the Spinnaker, it flew out from its compartment in the mast and flew open, filling with wind instantly and heaving the craft forward. I grasped onto the wheel, fighting for dominance, attempting to put the flare directly behind me. I yelled with the pure adrenaline that pulsed around my body as I flew out from the grip of the sun, sailing out in front at almost triple the speed I was at before. I looked back to see that my opposition barely managed to avoid the giant flare, and watched them as they dove in and under the hoop of the arc. My speed gradually slowed and I flew past the finishing gate, spinning my tiller-wheel and making my way back to port.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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140,301 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
Alright, hey Skyy, I'll be dropping the tiniest review on this.
Overall, this was quite good, pretty intense in the last paragraph. I won't criticize the lack of description because as you told me previously, it's apparently a legit technique to be, say, minimal in some aspects, especially, as I recall, in sci-fi.
However, the flow of this paragraph didn't quite cut it for me, because of your use of commas. I'll make some examples below:
I would have used a comma after 'field' though I realize it's pretty subjective, not exactly a mistake.
I realize I'm not an expert here, but wouldn't the gravity already be causing trouble with the craft? As well as, eventual energy (of the electro-magnetic type?) radiated. The latter though, is just my assumption (again, not an expert). I'm rather more sure, though, the temperature would be a major issue, if not to liquefy the craft entirely, then to at least make the character sweat somewhat.
Should be 'you're.' You are, no? Also, there's a comma after 'radio,' I'm fairly sure that should be a full-stop.
Said back could be replaced, more simply, by 'replied.' Also, I wonder why you're using '' instead of speech marks for dialogue? Either way, there should be a comma at the end, no? At least, that's how I've read in books.
Another example is here
If you see what I mean.
He's exclaiming, you might want to use an exclamation mark.
Now, that use of parentheses there... placed in that particular position, it seems that the Irnavae System is a chameleon type creature, not the character's friend. I would recommend using something like 'my friend, a chameleon-type creature from the Irnavae System' etc (who can miraculously survive extreme heat with no oxygen. Unless he's inside the ship. A description would have helped).
Well, apart from these minor nit-picks, this was okay.
Hope this helped
~Ita
Wow, this was pretty intense...I have to admit, the amount of information given in the first paragraph was a bit too much and kinda bored me a little but then, towards the end, it grabbed my attention. It was pretty intense.
I would say, however, that maybe your paragraphs are too long. Maybe this is just me talking but the first paragraph and, now that I look at it, the second as well are a bit too long? They could do with some splitting but it's not really a make or break factor. I think it might just make it easier to read, easier on the eyes?
Overall though, it was pretty intense. I know I've said that like three times now but I can't think of another word to describe it. It reminded me of when they race in Star Wars? I can't remember exactly now but that's what I was reminded of.
Kasim.
Your thinking of pod-racing, on Tatooine where Anikin lived. This is a completely different concept, aside from danger aspects, power sourcing, mobility concept and location. The racing is similar however.
But I will take into account the paragraphing aspect. Thanks though