Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
I winced as I heard my Mother screech (or singing, as she calls it) one of those crappy romance ballads from the living room. I literally just walked into the house. I already regretted it. Usually when I came in to hear her 'singing' she was drunk, meaning I was to have an uneasy night. I had to stay up usually and make sure that she didn't do anything stupid. She often tried to kill herself. But I don't see why I even bothered. I wanted her to die anyway. Then I wouldn't have to worry about her torturing me. In fact torturing is a kind way to describe it.
I slowly walked up the stairs hoping Mother wouldn't hear my steps. After a few seconds, I was in my room. I collapsed onto the bed not bothering to take my soaked clothes off. Instead I took them off after a while of just lying there. After all, I didn't want to catch pneumonia. If I did, I would've had Mother shoving a bottle of medicine or a handful of pills down my throat. I cringed at the thought.
After I changed into dry clothes, I lifted my floor boards to access my secret stash. I started to rummage through the contents. Every magazine was read - every movie was watched – everything was used basically.
Then I came across something that caught my eye. It was a photo. In the photo were two. Just two. They were not two 'humans', two 'people' or two 'kids'. Just two. One of the two was me. I looked just how I always look. Black messy hair, pale skin, black clothes, you get it? But beside me was the complete opposite in female form. Her clothes were bright. Her smile was bright. Everything was fucking bright! She had long pink hair, lightly tanned skin and was far better looking than I was. The odd thing was, she always had this weird green gem thing embedded into her chest. Weird huh?
Her name was Amethyst. She contrasts a lot to me. Yet she's been my best friend since I was young. She was sort of lonely though. I've never seen any of her other family, but she said it's cause they prefer to stay inside. Anyway, so the thing was, through the years of knowing her, I've wanted to be more than just a friend. The weird thing is she liked to use metaphors a lot to explain things to me. When I would try to tell her about my feelings for her, she usually just says, "You're a patient. I'm the Doctor. We can't be together." And then she walks away.
"Where were you today?" Mum asked quietly stalking into my room. I had lay in my bed an hour after I went through my secret stash.
"I was just…out…walking," I admitted, "I stopped to sit on a rock. It was lots of fun."
"That's fine, honey," the bitch sighed, "suppers ready. Come down stairs when you're ready."
She then left without saying anything else.
Cool.
I sat at the kitchen table. It was now night. I had, in my hand, a glass of milk and in the other a bit of toast. I glared at the icy pale moon and thought of Amethyst. In my imagination, she was there with me. In reality, she was somewhere else. Reality sucked.
"Am I going to hear an apology for earlier or am I just an idiot?" Mother entered the kitchen. I gritted my teeth at the old hag.
"The question is: Am I going to hear an apology for earlier or are you just too stubborn?" I was proud yet I still winced, feeling ready for a whack.
"You wear me out…you hear me?" Mother yakked on, "But since I'm tired…and have a had a few drinks…I'll let this one slip. You better not have been out with that whore, by the way."
"Takes one to know one," I muttered whilst grinning.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This story really shows a lot about the character, that's a good thing. I like the little part about reality, pretty true from a teen's point of view, and I am going to assume he is a teen. The quote at the beginning was a very nice way to start off this story, makes the reader want to know why this guy is in the danger zone. The only thing is that he doesn't seem to question much about the gem, just accept the fact that it's weird. I am very curious as to why he hates her mother and exactly what twists will be involved with Amethyst.
The only thing I have a slight problem with is that it's very hard to tell if the character was a guy or girl. I only knew that they were a guy from reading your reply below, but that's all. I can't wait until the next part comes out!
OK the character is a guy. You will never know his name and you'll find out more about the gem later. SPOILER ALERT: This story is gonna turn out really messed up at the end it's a really dark twisted story.
I enjoyed the first chapter of the Ballad, so I thought I'd review this bit as well. I'll go through for spelling and grammar first, then give my overall impression of the piece.
"(or singing as she calls it)"
I'd place a comma between 'singing' and 'as'.
"Usually when I came in to hear her 'singing' she was drunk meaning I was to have an uneasy night."
Again, this sentence could do with a comma, here between 'drunk' and 'meaning'.
"If I did, I would've had Mother shoving a bottle of medicine a handful of pills down my throat"
I think you're missing the word 'or' between 'medicine' and 'a'.
".Everythingwas"
Remember spacing! In general, looking at the commas and little mistakes so far, I'd say you could do with a proof read and spelling/grammar check.
""The question is; AmIgoing to hear an apology"
I'd replace the semi-colon with a conservative colon, and, again, spacing error here. This might've happened during the upload, or your keyboard may be a little sticky. Either way, make sure to proof read before you click submit, just to make sure.
"Every magazine was read - Every movie was watched – Everything was used basically."
The dash/hyphen doesn't start a new sentence, so there's no need for a capitol letter just after it.
So, beyond grammar there were one or two things I wanted to address before I get to the real business here.
"Yet she's been my best friend since I was young. She was like the new kid on the block."
This little bit was confusing to me, as I wasn't sure if it meant that her personality was akin to a newcomer all the time, or she may have just moved to the same area. A little clarity would help here, or maybe find a different way to describe her.
"Then I wouldn't have to worry about her torturing me. In fact torturing is a kind way to describe it."
From what I can see, your character seems to hate her mother no matter what she does, so maybe this is just part of her, but stating that the way she lives is worse than torture... I dunno, I wasn't sure whether or not to point this out, as it may have been intentional. It just gives the impression that your character sees her life as worse than it really is. Also, the fact that she calls her life worse than torture suggests that she may be a liar, so I wasn't sure what to believe when she talks about pills and medicine later on.
Anyway, I'd hate to discourage you with nitpicking, so I'd like to take the opportunity to say that I really liked this. You've developed your character well, the pacing is good and it certainly kept me interested. I also loved the way you described her feelings for Amethyst, while the constant conflict between the narrator and her mother adds tension to the narrative. I wasn't sure why the story was set in the middle of the page, as opposed to the right hand side. But I guess it's not really important to the story, it's just a little easier to read from left to right. I just thought I'd point out this bit:
"Cool.
I sat at the kitchen table. It was now night. I had, in my hand, a glass of milk and in the other a bit of toast. I glared at the icy pale moon and thought of Amethyst. In my imagination, she was there with me. In reality, she was somewhere else. Reality sucked."
I just liked that bit, it's relatable for me as one of those people who's never been quite sure about reality.
So yeah, another good addition and I'll be sure to keep following. As I've said, I'd suggest a spellcheck and such as well as a little extra tinkering. But overall, the story is developing well and it's keeping me interested, so good work
Do let me know when you post the next bit- I almost missed this one :O
Ok I will don't worry...oh and I dont wanna make you feel like an idiot but the main character is a guy :L