the slurred phonetics of a flickering lightbulb
hung like guilt over our heads and
sent our shadows screeching across
windowpanes and vacant voids
disguised as mouths.
silence crossed the floorboards between us
in staccato stutter steps, but as it
paused i clearly heard the muscles
in your jaw scream as they clenched
together, choking back breaths that
heaved too loudly from our amplified lips.
you can magnify this all you want--
there's nothing between our eyes
but visions of muffled air.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow, those are some reviews! Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who looked at this.
Clau: The lack of capitalization on my part is just a matter of personal preference, and I rarely capitalize any of my poetry. However, it probably has a special significance with this poem because it's about the relationships between silence and noise, and lowercase letters certainly have a "hushed" quality, at least to me. However, if you can see any place that needs punctuation, please don't hesitate to point it out -- 'tis a necessity!
OMG: Thank you! I was having a bit of trouble with line-breaking the second stanza. Your insight has helped me figure some things out.
Fand: Wow... you make me feel all fuzzy inside.
Thank you all! I'm going to continue to patch things up, but if anyone has anything else to say, please don't be shy!
I love it.
Simple and breathtaking yet it still manages to hold you attention. The rhythm is good and the fact that you actually used the word phonetics is awsome.
Let me preface this critique with... wow.
Stanza 1:
I disagree with OMGclaire when she says you need more punctuation, at least in this stanza. It reads very smoothly. Also, while Baroness Ink seems to have a problem with your imagery, I was shocked by the vividness and depth of these images. If I interpret it correctly: line one refers to the buzz associated with lightbulbs, and/or the light is flickering? I like the image of shadows screeching--it adds a sense of friction and even unwillingness, a discomfort that's palpable to the reader. Lovely.
Stanza 2: The alliteration in the first two lines works very well; the sibilance works well to bridge the gap between stanzas, hearkening back to the "phonetics" of the light and the screeching shadows. Again, I don't think this stanza needs any additional punctuation.
Stanza 3: Gorgeous. What more can I say? Beautiful, beautiful images.
Nick is most heartily confused here- according to the dictionary:pho·net·ics (f-ntks)
n. (used with a sing. verb)
1. The branch of linguistics that deals with the sounds of speech and their production, combination, description, and representation by written symbols.
2. The system of sounds of a particular language.
Or are you trying to convey that the lightbulb knows Morse code?
Can shadows screech? A better term would describe how they moved. And then Nick is confused at the last line in the stanza- mouths. What in the world?
Capitalization, please =D
Nick is still confused but still reading.
Oookay. Nick can't see the point of this poem- other then two people are in a room with a blinking lightbulb.
If you expanded it, perhaps, it would become clearer to Nick- but right now he's still wondering what-in-the-world.
Nick also agrees with Claudette- in this poem, it seems like all you're trying to do is give the impression you have just upgraded your vocabulary.
I tried this once....I didn't work out very well. Still have it. =D
I agree with the statements above about flow and punctuation/capitalization, but you might also want to try using accurate descriptions.
Gambatte!
~Sumi
I agree very much with Clua and OMG, i did really enjoy this poem.
But I also agree with Clau that I couldn't really find it's meaning, if it has a meaning atall?
Butoverall I think it flowed well, and maybe the lack of punctuation works...Unless you think it's needed?
All the best,
Meevs
x
Ah, i like this. Has room for growth though. I think some more line breaks would work wonders for the flow, with more punctuation.
in the first stanza, i would just move the "and" in line 2 down the the third line. sounds cleaner.
stanza 2 is a bit jumpier.
"silence crossed the floorboards between us
in staccato stutter steps,
but as it paused,
i clearly heard the muscles in your jaw scream as they clenched together,
choking back breaths that
heaved too loudly from our amplified lips. "
try something like that, or just keep that in mind for future writing.
i was told when i first started writing, that you should write your complete thought (or idea for a "line" not necessarily one line in a stanza... i think you get what i mean) like a sentence.
it just helps make more sense. but also don't be conventional with it.
try as hard as you possibly can to avoid pronouns (i, you, my, me, etc.) just throws the reader. especially when you start using "you" in an attacking way. the reader isn't guilty, in place, try "his" or "her," or what have you. i hope i don't sound demeaning giving out this advice, considering i've only ever read one of your poems, i just hope this helps.
also, try really hard to avoid articles. The "like, it, the, as, and" etc. they just take away from the picture you're drawing, and snap the reader into this mid-way place where it's liek "im reading.. but i'm not seeing... it's more like being told something..." it's not good to show and not tell, but you've gotten that well under control in this, although there are definately some uses of articles and pronouns that could be taken out, and those lines rephrased into something more flowing and poetical.
Overall, it's a fairly nice poem. I quite enjoyed reading it.
Feel free to disregard all, or some, of my advice!
--cLaiRe
I liked the repetition of first letters (the word escapes me at the moment). Those were nice to read. I assume the lack of punctuation and capitalization is purposeful? Though, even so, I really, really want to capitalize that "i" in your poem...
But if it is hard to see the message through the words, that is a problem isn't it?
I'm not exactly sure I could follow the meaning behind the poem, it seemed very full of words making it harder for me to grasp what it was actually talking about; as if the poem were more about cramming pretty words together than telling me something, and making me feel something. Now, I did feel something. It felt a little creepy. But I still am unsure what it is about. I'll leave that comment up to your own discretion, because I might just be stupid towards these kinds of poems
It flowed, so that was good. Although I'd still like to ask just to be sure: is the lack of capitalization and punctuation purposeful, and thus needed? I'm picky about both of these in poetry, so when there is a lack of it I tend to point it out immediately, but I'm getting a feeling you did this on purpose. I'd just like to be sure.
Hope I gave some helpful comments!