Published December 9, 2005
everyone's watching
but i feel so unpretty
everyone's moving
and i can't make a sound
why does it feel
like there are no empty spaces?
then the vision is over
i slam into the ground
the doctor is humming
as he looks for a murder
the woman is shaking
as she paints my eyes shut
why does it feel
like there are tears all around me?
then the vision is over
and i can't feel at all
my mother, sweet mother,
never notices the horror
my father, dear father,
never falters a step
why does it feel
like everyone has failed me?
then the vision is over
and the failure begins.
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141,707 Literary Works • 675,595 Reviews
Thanks a bunch for your prompt crits you two! And I also didn't notice that rhyming in the third stanza, TBR, so I'll look over it tonight and see what I can come up with.
Wow I really liked this. It was very sad though, you have to admit, but it was so beautiful.. something that sort of stood out to me was in the first paragraph the 4th and last line seemd to rhyme at the best time possible... but it didn't continue throughout the poem. It was still a beautifully decent poem though, you have to admit.
wow.
this was so good.
specifically
"the woman is shaking
as she paints my eyes shut "
and
my mother, sweet mother,
never notices the horror
my father, dear father,
never falters a step
why does it feel
like everyone has failed me?
overall---amazing