Vincent Astor was a narcissistic, adamant individual, who only got involved in the affairs of himself. No one knew this better than his longtime servant, Spencer Doyle. Hence, the premise on which his hatred of his employer was established. The only person Spencer even came close to hating more than Vincent, though, was Marquise DeVoe. Marquise was the rival of Vincent, and while under normal circumstances that would have made him and Spencer best friends, this was an exception. The whole mess started with an act unprecedented to their country: the murder of the king.
The king had been a gracious man. He’d been beloved to all and no one had wished him any harm; or so they’d thought. This delusion had been abolished one morning in late summer. A morning that teemed with objectionable gossip—that is, until it was known to be fact. Under the cover of night, someone had slipped into the king’s resting chamber and stabbed him through the heart. The hunt for the murderer was on, but there was little evidence to go by, for no one had seen the intruder. In fact, the only thing out of place in the whole room was the trail of blood that led from the bed to a trapdoor that lay under the carpet, which explained how the trespasser had gotten in. The passage had been intended for escape, not vice versa. The blood was of little use considering there were no means of analyzing it. However, it did reveal one thing: the person responsible was marked. Checking everyone for cuts didn’t seem to be an effective way of singling out the murderer though, just time consuming.
It was a day filled with sorrow, grief, and questions. Oh so many questions. Who had done it? Why had they done it? Who would inherit the crown? The latter was the most popular. The king had only two children, neither of which were boys. They were twin girls, who had both married noblemen of their same age. Consequently, there was no remarkable difference that could earn either one a crown. The two men went by the names of Vincent Astor and Marquise DeVoe.
Over the next few days, both couples were brought to the castle to wait out the decision that would change their lives forever. It had been decided that the previous king’s most respected advisors would make the life-altering decision. In the opinions of the two noblemen, though, these were not fair terms. No one was more aware of the men’s distresses than Spencer Doyle. Being Astor’s longest serving help, he’d been asked to accompany him to the castle (much to Doyle’s dissatisfaction). While there, he played witness to many arguments and in some cases fell victim to the wraths of the rivals. Astor, in particular, was known to throw a punch when he was aggravated. Spencer, unfortunately, was usually on the other end. For years, the helpless servant let his emotions build up inside of him on these occasions where Vincent couldn’t control himself, until the unknown day when Vincent would pull his last straw.
It had been two weeks since the king’s death. People all around the nation were anxious to find out who their next leader would be. However, the board remained indecisive, and any conclusions were left up to guess. It was on one of those nights, where restlessness filled the atmosphere, that Spencer Doyle made the decision for them. All had been calm. Most of the workers were up in the sitting room tending to guests that had gathered, when Astor decided to slip down to servants’ hall. It was obvious he was drunk, for the scent of alcohol clouded around him. That, and he was also acting completely irrational. Once again, he was worked up about whether or not he would be king. This was a problem that plagued his head, and it seemed the only way he could let it out was through his fists. After the cruelty was over, Spencer sat idle, wiping the blood from his nose. It was no sooner than the blood stopped, that Marquise DeVoe decided to make an appearance. He strutted into the hall with an air of superiority. When he looked at Spencer, it was as if he was worth no more than dirt. Spencer sat vulnerable, not knowing what to say. After a moderate pause, DeVoe decided to get down to business. As if he’d done it a thousand times before, he swiftly grabbed two champagne glasses from the cupboard and poured into them the best wine available at the time. Then, taking off his glove, he grabbed a small vile from his back pocket. He poured the contents of the flask into one of the glasses. In the process, Spencer happened to notice a long scar across the palm of his hand. He slid the glove back on. DeVoe picked up the tray on which the glasses sat, and handed it to Spencer. “Listen here, savage”, he started, “I need your assistance in a little deed.” Spencer remained silent. “Bring these glasses upstairs, and make sure this one ends up with Vincent Astor”, he gestured to the glass he’d just violated. “Why?” Spencer questioned shyly. “Just do as your told, and you will be rewarded”, he turned on his heel and departed up the stairs. After he’d gone, Spencer was left to his own thoughts. He had not been directly told what was in the glass, but he was fairly positive he knew. After all, how many different motives could a person have for slipping something into his opponent’s glass? As he stared at the goblets, though, he was not certain that the glass in question would go to his employer. How could it not though? Had Astor not beaten him senseless countless times before? But still… DeVoe was obviously not going to rule the country any better than Vincent would. And had he not just seen the mark of murder on DeVoe’s hands? Spencer turned over the facts in his head for a long while. Finally, he reached a decision. He grabbed the trey and went upstairs, eager to turn his thoughts into actions.
Vincent and Marquise were busy conversing in the sitting room. The fireplace stood directly next to them, illuminating their tall figures. As Spencer walked toward them, he felt confident as ever. He met Vincent’s eyes first, where he was greeted with a blank stare. His eyes then shifted to Marquise, who was looking at him knowingly. Spencer could see his eyes twinkle with anticipation. He handed them each a glass and then stepped back, joining the other servers around the room.
Marquise flashed Vincent a dazzling smile. “A toast?” he proposed. They held up their glasses in unison. “These past few weeks have been very stressful,” he drawled, “but I am certain that fate will ensure a bright future for this wonderful country. Long live the king.” And then they drank.
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First, various nitpicks and problems I found:
-"He grabbed the trey and went upstairs, eager to turn his thoughts into actions." Tray.
-I still don't understand how Spencer reasoned saving his own master instead of killing him. You've piled a lot of evidence against Vincent, and though the Marquise had murder as an intent, you don't exactly specify why Vincent would be a better king. Because beating a servant is better than killing a king? I mean, I don't know if Spencer realizes this, but an overemotional king who frequently turns to beat on his servant may not be as intelligent and effective a leader than a Marquise whose considered Spencer's psychological condition and decided it was only fitting that he'd agree to the murder. Or maybe Spencer's reasoning is "better the devil you know"? "An idiotic, fiery king is better than a ruthless, evil intelligent one?" I don't know. I sort of thought you'd give us a chance to see how evil the Marquise truly is, but I never saw it. I take it the Marquise got killed because of the above paragraph--"Marquise was the rival of Vincent, and while under normal circumstances that would have made him and Spencer best friends, this was an exception." So, yeah, a little lack of show don't tell here.
Other than that, I found this work to be very amusing. I enjoy big ideas like this, and if it wasn't for the first paragraph, I'd probably have to spend some time thinking for a little while on who Spencer decided was 'the lesser evil'. There's an allure to it, an air of political intrigue, and the best part is that it isn't decided by some high class snob--it all depends on a servant. Which makes a great conflict. Overall, this was a very entertaining piece of work, but I did think it could use some more time to develop the characters.
Signing out. -EM.
Hey ellmist! Thank you so much for the review, and I'm glad you found it amusing. I agree, while writing this i struggled to make them seem on equal levels of evilness. Do you have any ideas of how I could word it to make them seem more even?
Thanks again!
- Skybird
Start with more development of the Marquise. Give the Marquise a close servant friend of Doyle's, perhaps, and have the friend tell all the horrendous things the Marquise is known to do in his pass time, and all the atrocities he'd commit if he were on the throne. That was just a suggestion, but you can do it any way you like, so long as the reader still understands why the Marquise would be a less effective leader compared to Vincent.
Hello! Lukan here! I haven't reviewed any work in quite awhile, so here goes for my first step back into the territory.

I'm going to be a little nit-picky with you here, but it's because I think this has great potential!
To start off, there was a sentence in the first paragraph that bugged me a bit.
"Hence, the premise on which his hatred of his employer was established."
This sentence was a little confusing with the use of the pronoun "his" rather than a name. You started off the story mentioning Vincent Astor, and I think I was expecting the story to be from his point of view. To put it simply, "Hence the premise on which Spencer's hatred of his employer was established." I usually say it's better to throw a name in there too many times than to be too vague using pronouns. There were a few different instances throughout the story where I wasn't sure who the "he" was that you were talking about without having to go back and reread.
Next up, paragraphing, which Holographic Ladybug already talked about, so I won't waste your time making you read it again.
My third point has to do with a bit of an anticlimax.
"In the process, Spencer happened to notice a long scar across the palm of his hand." And a few sentences later we learn that this scar is "the mark of murder." When I read that he (Spencer) had seen this mark of murder on DeVoe's hand, I actually had to go back to read about the scar bit again, because I had dismissed the information the first time. It didn't feel important. Maybe instead of outright stating that he had seen the "mark of murder" you could insinuate it, and leave it up to the reader to really connect the dots. For example, maybe Spencer saw the scar (which, only two weeks later, would really probably still be an angry, red, not-yet-healed gash) and thought back to the trail of blood that the king's murderer had left behind. Find a way to make Spencer noticing that scar be an "Oh!" moment for the reader, rather than "okay, dude has a scar, so what?" Anyway, I feel like I'm starting to ramble, hopefully you get my point.
My final nit-pick has to be your ending. I see what you were trying to do, a cliff-hanger that lets the reader decide what happened, and I commend you for your effort. However, it felt a bit rushed, and not quite developed. I don't think the reader is given enough information to lead them in a particular direction. You said that Spencer thought about the facts and reached a decision, but we're given no hint as to what that decision may have been. Personally, I'm a little bothered by it, because it really could go ANY direction. But perhaps that what you wanted, so I don't want to completely tear it apart. Maybe it's just not my kind of ending.
Sorry, kind of wrote a book there, huh?
In terms of what you did well: your use of language was rather brilliant! You used very colorful words and did a great job painting a picture in the reader's mind. Overall, it's a well-developed, well-told, and interesting story.
Good job! Keep writing!
Hope I didn't bore you too bad, and I hope my review was helpful.
Have a good day!
~Lukan Rinta
Hey Lukan! Thank you for the review and I really appreciated the advice. I found the part about it being sort of anticlimactic to be very helpful. Also, yes I intended for the story to be a cliffhanger, sorry!
Have a nice day!
- Skybird
Hello there! Holographic Ladybug here for a review.
~The Nit-Picky Stuff~
I've got not a lot here, which is good, but I'm talking about paragraphing which is a BIG DEAL. You see, you're not using paragraphing for dialogue so I had no clue who was talking half the time. If you're not sure how to use dialogue paragraphing, looking it up could be your best option.
Also, there's a huge block of text in the middle where most readers could get lost in between the lines. I recommend that you space it out a bit to form probably around three paragraphs from the one.
~The Better Stuff~
Your tale here is very complete with the whole beginning, middle, and end thing. This feels a bit like a legend or something. You know, there's not a lot of detail, but the story is written in a way that makes it easy to understand. I like stories like that. You've offered something that we know what it is and what's going on. You've written a bit of information about the characters, which is enough for this one. There's nothing wrong with your style, which is perfect. I've got nothing really to point out to you, which is a good thing because that means that your story is perfectly good all around.
At this point, I've probably stopped making sense.
Great story an never stop writing!
~Holographic Ladybug
Hey Holographic Ladybug! Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and I really appreciate the advice. I will take it into consideration when I write my next piece
.
Thanks again!
- Skybird