Young Writers Society

Hello there! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to review/comment your story. Because it is short yet it has impactful small words and phrases. Anyway, to the review. It also has a captivating title. By the way, is this a chapter 1 or something because, I saw that it is in the novel /chapter category? Nice cover art too.

The king stared at me with his lifeless eyes. His lips were curved into a cruel smile. His wife - the queen - looked at me with a face of disgust. I knew I shouldn’t, but I stared back. Refusing to let myself be intimidated by their cold stares.

My knees gave way beneath me as my head was lowered by the royal soldier beside me. Forcing me to bow in the presence of his majesty. I heard the king’s cruel, sinister laughter. I lifted my head and his eyes met mine. He rose slowly and gracefully from his throne without breaking eye contact. I was the first to look away as I glanced at his queen. Her lips were curved into an amused smiled and a strange glow in her emerald green eyes.

The king grabbed my chin and forced my attention to be focused on him once again. I looked into his dull, lifeless yellow eyes. Yellow eyes….just like mine. His brows furrowed as a look of confusion crossed over his features. His eyes suddenly became soft and filled with warmth. I knew in an instant he recognized me.

“It’s you…”

Hi SkyJayde! This is Carrot here giving an honest review! Nice job

“The king stared at me with his lifeless eyes. His lips were curved into a cruel smile. His wife - the queen - looked at me with a face of disgust. I knew I shouldn’t, but I stared back. Refusing to let myself be intimidated by their cold stares.”

I like how main characters feels real, and has a personality, proven when she stares back. Something you could consider changing, though, is to add more description to the scene. Where are they at? Is the king and queen elders? What are the king’s eye/hair colors? Who did she stare at?

“My knees gave way beneath me as my head was lowered by the royal soldier beside me. Forcing me to bow in the presence of his majesty. I heard the king’s cruel, sinister laughter. I lifted my head and his eyes met mine. He rose slowly and gracefully from his throne without breaking eye contact. I was the first to look away as I glanced at his queen. Her lips were curved into an amused smiled and a strange glow in her emerald green eyes.”

I like the first two sentences, which gives me a clear image; consider combining the first two (ex, …royal soldier beside me, (comma) forcing me to…) Instead of using the word cruel again to describe the king, try searching for a synonym that’s more specific. When the king rose from his throne, try adding more descriptions of how he stood, where was his hands, did he look in the main characters eyes as he stood? Instead of telling, show how the MC looked away. Why did she look away, was she reminded of something?

“The king grabbed my chin and forced my attention to be focused on him once again. I looked into his dull, lifeless yellow eyes. Yellow eyes….just like mine. His brows furrowed as a look of confusion crossed over his features. His eyes suddenly became soft and filled with warmth. I knew in an instant he recognized me.”

Consider moving the kings eye color to the first paragraph to engage the readers further more. I really like the suspense, which will keep the readers craving for more.

Overall, this is amazing! There’s only a few changes to make, but I would definitely continue reading this, and I believe others would too!

Short but sweet. The descriptions of the king and queen are detailed and adequately threatening. Everything about their eyes and facial expressions is great. This might be random but it gives me Dark Souls vibes - two seemingly powerful figures with an odd sense of cruelty and decay. These two are well characterized, and the narrator is as well with their defiance in the face of the king and queen's cold stares. And then, the king's eyes suddenly going from lifeless to filled with warmth at the end is another great description, as well as a good cliffhanger setting up the relation between these two characters. Awesome stuff

Foxmaster here to leave a review!
Well, overall, I can tell this would be an interesting piece if you explained it more. Right now, we're basically just having these vague descriptions of what's going on. I sure wasn't expecting this to be that short at the beginning. Your descriptions were great, though, and the cliffhanger was great. I just didn't really find the description of the piece that necessary, considering that this is just a little snippet here and not the full piece.

Also, there's a lot of repetition here, you keep on saying eyes so many times, I can't count it. Who's the person on the cover? Is it Liana? The king? Someone else?

But, overall, your story has good description, and I was impressed. You're clearly a clearly an experienced writer, and I'm hoping you continue this so I can read the full thing.

Heyo, SkyJayde!

Huh?

What's this..? A new story and a new character you didnt tell me about?

D:< HOW DARE U KEEP SECRETS-!!

Lol I'm just kidding. I'm glad that I found this~!


So, even though there's not much context to this yet, I am quite intrigued already. It seems like a prologue, and judging by the description, there is more to this story. Perhaps future chapters will go back and explain how this all started for Liana. Hm..if you post more of this, could you make a post on your wall and tag me to lmk?

Now, onto the feedback. Well, I think Kaia has pretty much said it all! I like how you managed to build intrigue and an unsettling atmosphere even though it's short. While reading, I had also wanted more context, but I understand that you're keeping things a mystery on purpose. You do have my attention hooked; I'm curious to know who this king is. I bet he's related to the main character. I'm surprised he was kinder by the end, though. Him and the queen seemed like jerks at first.

Alright, for constructive criticism.. hmm! I'm not super sure about this, and it might just come down to style/choice, but I think there are parts where you could change up the sentences more. There isn't much dialogue or thoughts, so the sentences with the actions got slightly repetitive. It often goes, "Person A Does This. Person B Does This." I think one way you can fix it is to vary the sentence length. You can add transitions, like "after a moment," or "then," at the start of some sentences. Or you can describe the actions in different ways.

Eg:

"I heard the king's cruel, sinister laughter."

So, ahem! I believe this is a little part of something else, possibly? Well, either way, I'm here to give you a review.

So, despite the little snippet you shared here, I have to say you did a good job building up the characters. No names are shared, but the piece goes well without names. The main character I specifically like. I feel that he or she has done something wrong and was brought to the king for punishment. This person is obviously nervous as his or her legs gave way when the person was forced to bow. Well, either that or the soldier who forced the main character to bow really did it with a great brutal force, but I kind of doubt that.

Despite the character's understandable unease, he or she is still quite defiant, sort of threatening the king and queen by looking at them when it is not customary to do so. Silently, this character is saying "I'm not afraid of you." Nicely done. You didn't have to say any of that for me to pick up on it.

I also have to comment on your usage of the word "eyes," as I use them a lot to describe emotion and physical appearance a lot. I especially like the term "lifeless eyes." This really hits on a mental image and is a nice interest-opener right there on line one. Nicely done!

Overall, I liked this piece, but I suggest adding a little more context, as I was a bit lost as to why the character was there, who the character was and what his connection is to the king and queen. But maybe if there's a sequel that will be explained.

Wishing you the best!
-Kaia