Published February 19, 2008
Bang! Bang! Two gun shots ricocheted off the ground next to my feet. I started to run faster. The gunman was hot on my heels. I could feel my feet squishing in my shoes because of the excessive rain. I could barely see twenty feet in front of me. Bang! Another bullet whistled by my head and pierced a tree trunk. Bark shattered and soared through the air. I picked up the pace again.
The rain felt like needles stabbing into my eyes. “You can’t run forever!” I heard the gunman shout at me. I ran until I came upon a rope bridge. I couldn’t see the other side of the bridge because the rain was coming down even harder now. Bang! I ducked as the bullet struck the post next to me. I scampered across the rope bridge with prudence. The wind from the storm made the bridge sway side to side. When I made it across I looked back to see if he was behind me. I couldn’t see him but I could here him coming.
I wanted to lose him so I started scaling the rocks to my left. My tennis shoes had trouble gripping the slick rock. I slipped and banged my knee on the rock. Bang! Another bullet nearly struck me. “Shit!” I yelled. My detour didn’t lose him. I peeked behind me only to see two muzzle flashes light up the wall of rain. He missed again. I turned around and noticed there was no more rock to run on. I skidded to a halt, sending pebbles sliding over the edge. The drop was at least fifteen feet. I turned to run a different direction. Bang! A bullet pierced my left arm, propelling me over the edge. I landed face first on the stone sidewalk. Pain jolted through my body. I lay there half conscious with the right side of my head submerged in a quarter inch of water. I had no energy to get up let alone move. I remembered back to when this all started.
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh well this is quite powerful there. Immediately you get a sense of exactly why that title would be there as well and when you get into this sort of very powerful action scene just in general it does tend to make for a very powerful moment here and I think it does its job of dragging you in very well here with the description of how this attack is happening and this person is running for their life. The beats of the fight are established pretty quickly and pretty effectively I think.
Well this is building along brilliantly here. I love the way you're describing the surroundings, you're maintaining that rather delicate balance between given us enough to know where we're going without giving so much as to slow the pace down quite well and its really helping map this scene out very strongly here, let's see how it ends I suppose.
Okayyy that ending was about expected I suppose considering the sort of parameters established. That actually ended a bit better for this person than what I was initially expecting but this is a fairly realistic and quite powerful ending I think here. You've done a pretty solid job in terms of establishing things here, and I think it all comes together pretty well in the end. As a prologue it certainly seems like it would be very effective here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I definetly like this opposed to the other one. Great hooker, I would pick it up and keep reading also.
Only a few things...
Instead of using Bang! all the time, try using some other sound, Crack! Tap, tap, ect. I would also, add some detail to the gunshots, such as, the angry bark of the "type of gun" sounded all around me. or : The shots sounded like a angey rattlesnake, ready to pounce on its running prey...
Hope that helped
Im gunna go read the others now.
Good job.
Great attention getter! Your way with words and plot that sets the mood of the story are great and make me want to read more! Definatly got me hooked, and on to the next chapter!
That defindly grabbing my attention. this is a first reading of an action/adventure fic. it soud pretty good. *on to the first chapter*
Ok, there was only one things that bothered me.
It is exciting when you have him being shot off the cliff. There is a problem with it though: It's impossible. I understand how you did the thing where someone shoots someone else and the second guy (who was shot) goes flying backward. How does it go? Cause is equal to effect? In other words, maybe make him trying to duck and so he tries to get to his knees, but he slips and falls off the cliff. About the same effect.
I'm really sorry if your character isn't a boy, I couldn't exactly tell, so I assumed it was a boy.
It was attention grabbing, and I found it interesting, but there's one thing that bothered me.
You use a specific word to often in some paragraphs. This makes the paragraph sound a little weird in someone's head. For example, in the second paragraph you used the word 'bridge' too much. Or in the third paragraph where you're talking about him climbing down the rocks. You use the word 'rock' too often as well. Try different ways to say it or even reconstruct the sentence so you won't need it.
Hello there! I don't think I've seen you around YWS before. Welcome! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. *waves*
Okay... well, this could use some lengthening! It's pretty short right now. Fleshing it out would help to establish your story and establish the vital reader-character connection a lot better. Which, in all irony, is what a prologue is supposed to do. But you've got a good start here! It just needs to be fleshed out to start with.
Also, your sentence fluency could use some work. Your sentences are all simple and almost uniform in length. Try mixing in some complex sentences, compound sentences, compound-complex sentences, and of course you need to vary your sentence length. Also, keep an eye on your sentence beginnings -- try not to be too repetitive.
Like I said! You have a good start here. Just needs some fleshing out and some sentence variation at this point. Keep at it! ^^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
I like this new start! Only one immensly tiny issue: I think the shoes should be squishing in the mud, not feet squishing in the shoes. Other than that, it's awesome! See, if I were flipping through a book at Barnes and Noble, I'd have to keep reading, as opposed to just putting it back on the shelf! Good job ^_^
Hmm...well, this prologue has done its job. You've gotten my attention!
Not too bad! Wonderful grammar, nice transitions, and a good bit of supsense. I'm definately reading the rest of this!