Red Rain

There's a serious amount of proper spacing that needs to get done. I find it hard to critique when it's all in a huge, menacing mass.

you need to spacing out the paragraphs a littl bit more, like 3 sentences maybe. also watch your sentences, i'm not quite sure, but it looks like some run-on in there.

but it's an interesting topic to chose though. well, off to the second par tof chapter one.

*goes to the second part*

Lol, scary story. but is this after or before the bombs? if it was after, I doubt any one would bother to land because of all the radioactive material.

It does remend me of a movie called Red Dawn, russia attacks and a group of kids called wolverines stands up to fight.

Good story loved it. I think that cat4prowl got most of the crits so, Good luck!

Is this going to be like the movie Red Dawn? Where Russia invades us, gets rid of the parents, and then the kids are the only ones left to fight? Just wondering.

Edit: K, thanks for the PM. So it isn't going to be like it.... good.

Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this! I usually critique stories all at once, but something got lost in translation and I haven't read this yet. Apologies. >.<

“How can 1.3 million Russian troops on board immense battleships and aircraft slip under military radar?” is what I ask people.

, tore apart seven states from the United States.

Unfortunately this would be the last day I would see my friends.

As I started walking back to the plate and John threw the bat to me. I caught it with my free hand.

Hey, I liked reading this.

We're doing about the Cold War in History, so it was really cool to see it put by a good writer into a dramatic story.

Couldnt really find many grammatical errors etc to critque, apart from the whole spacing it into paragraphs to give an easy read.

A good story, and a great read.

Well done, PM if the next bit is posted,

Eimear

Hi, there.

Okay, I agree with cat4prowl about your info-dumpish first part. It would be much better if you started off with an action scene. As is, it resembles an online history textbook I had once.

As for the rest...very intense. This takes place in the future? I think you could make that clearer. You're talking about the Cold War, and then all of a sudden we're in 2011. Also, you could slow this down a lot. I didn't even have a good sense of your characters before you shot them dead. Make the reader care. Develop Jerry's character. Otherwise, you can't expect us to truly, truly be sorry. Of course it's sad, but still. Draw this out.

The last scene was way rushed. Slow down. Give sensory detail.

Hope that helps.

FFF

Oh! Totally didn't mean to hit submit there! Lemme give you the rest of my opinion.

Overall, the piece was well written, with some problems in the overall paragraph situation. It wasn't too bad, but some shorter, for effect paragraphs would have helped the mood's effect.
Also, the beginning is a litte too cliche and rushed. I think maybe it should've started with action, then paused, explained the war, and went back to action. The first sentences just don't grab my attention too well.

Keep trying, you did a good job! -Alanda

You said "Still the dark figures remained indefinite" which didn't make a lot of sense. 'Indefinite' is usually used like, "We gazed into the indefinite darkness of the cave...". I mean, it's grammaticaly correct, but awkward. Try another word such as "blurred", "uncomprehensible" or "hard to see, but obviously great in number"

Also, in the last sentence, it reads badly. Try moving the comma so it says "...were coming down the street, and killing people who got in their way"

By request, here's my critique.

I love the topic. Based on all that is going on in the Middle East, Russia seemed to come out of nowhere. The characters seemed well developed, I'm curious as to how they'll be forced to change during this war.

Good background information, it was nice to know how America ticked Russia off before they launched total war at us. Very believable, wonderful job, I can't wait for more!

It would help if you could break this up so it is easier to read. that would help a lot, you would get more crits that way. Anyways, on to my crit

Skuzm wrote:2011
I was 15 years old when America went to War with Russia. Since the Cold War, Russia has been recuperating. Russia grew bigger and better than what she was before. Over the long years Russia’s nuclear arsenal grew bigger and still remained the world’s largest. They built nuclear submarines, bombers and missiles. It all started with a political dispute over nuclear weapons. Then the U.S. Department of Defense fired a surface to air missile as a trial run in case Russia decided to attack America. Russia thought this missile was meant for them. In retaliation, Russia fired three missiles. Their target was Washington D.C. Prior to when the missiles were fired the president was evacuated to a safe underground bunker. Those three missiles were shot down over the Atlantic Ocean. Before America could take any action Russia commenced their invasion. Once again, Russia placed missiles in Cuba. On that dreadful day Russia fired over 1,000 missiles at major cities and government controlled facilities, such as military and Air force bases, in the south. After the bombardment the fleshy rain of 1.3 million Russian soldiers parachuted on to American soil. Some say the government knew of Russia’s movement in Cuba and others don’t. I personally think they did know about it. “How can 1.3 million Russian troops on board immense battleships and aircraft slip under military radar?” is what I ask people. The massive invasion took control over the southeastern part of the U.S. The frontlines, which separate America from the now enemy controlled territory, tore apart seven states from the United States. Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas, South Carolina, and the southern half of Tennessee and the west side of North Carolina were under Russian control. I remember it was the most terrifying time of my life.

whoa! huge info dump. show don't tell! it sounds like you summarized basically the whole story in one paragraph. you've got a lot of good info here, but it would help if you could incorporate it into your story

July 10, 2011 Chattanooga, Tennessee
My friends and I got together on this warm summer day to play a little baseball. We always play on the open field down the block from John’s house. The field was dry as a bone, since we hadn’t had rain in two weeks. Almost every day after school the three of us would come down here and hit the ball around. Unfortunately what I didn’t know was that this would be the last day I would see my friends.

either take out unfortunately or what i didn't know was that, because having both is awkward

John stepped up to the plate, raised his left hand to his head and with two fingers he forced his long blonde hair to hook over his ear. He swung a few practiced swings before he gave Jerry, who is pitching, the go ahead signal. “Swing batter batter swing!” I barked. Jerry threw a curve ball. John swung. He missed it. The baseball skipped across the field until rolling to a stop near the forest edge. I ran after the ball and retrieved it. When I bent over to obtain the ball I could hear a faint deep sound. It sounded like an explosion of some kind. “What was that?” John asked. “Who cares, lets just play," I commanded.

first, keep in the same tense. second, this word sticks out badly, because it sounds like ur trying to impress the reader or something, a simple word would do fine. third, start a new line for dialogue between different characters.

As I started walking back to the plate and John threw the bat to me. I caught it with my free hand. “Better luck next time John,” I proclaimed with a grin on my face. I looked at Jerry, who snuck in a quick chuckle and tossed the ball to him. “You won’t be laughing when I become the best professional baseball player to ever walk the earth!” John yelled. I could sense the anger in his voice. John has always had a problem with his temper. He has gotten in so many fights at Red Bank High School, regardless of their age and size. Though he stood only five feet, six inches, he rarely backed down. He had been suspended a couple of times, but never expelled. Jerry dug his foot into the grass. I situated the bat above my right shoulder and nodded to Jerry. His red hair was flourishing from the mid day sunlight. Jerry was the complete opposite of John. He was sort of shy, like me; but never got into any fights. Everyone knew he was friends with John.

again, keep in the same tense and start a new line for dialogue

I took a deep breath. Jerry’s arm cocked back and released a fast ball. I swung. I felt the vibration of the ball slamming into the bat. The ball flew high in the air. “Homerun!” I yelped. As the ball reached its pinnacle I noticed dark figures in the sky. Not just one but hundreds. They were not birds, but parachutes. The three of us stared in trepidation as the parachutes came closer to the earth. Two of the parachutes landed in the same field as us. Still the dark figures remained indefinite. The sun rested in the sky above the unknown figures blinding me. I raised my hand to obstruct the sun. I could see that the men held something in their hands. A second later I apprehended what the men possessed. Guns. One of the men knelt down and raised his rifle. The three of us were shocked. An earsplitting thud spoiled the tranquility of the field. I hit the ground. I glanced up to where Jerry was standing. He was still standing there clutching his stomach. Jerry dropped down to his knees. Blood trickled out of this mouth. “Jerry!” I shouted. I stared at Jerry until he face planted into the dirt. I was horror-struck. I knew if John and I stayed here any longer we would meet the same fate as Jerry. I got up and ran over to John. The two gun slinging men were focusing on getting loose from their parachutes. “John get up! We got to get out of here.” I clutched John’s arm to haul him up off the ground. John and I ran as fast as we could.

i could hardly read this paragraph, break it up and be careful about your vocabulary. some of the times it was used really well, but other times it stuck out

As we ran more and more of these soldiers landed. More than a hundred planes littered the sky with metal and flesh. More gunfire rang out throughout the town. I could hear the crying, shrieking, and screaming of men, women, and children being murdered. Smoke billowed over the town. I was more frightened than sad at the moment. As John and I were running the through the residential neighborhood we made sure we didn’t run into these soldiers. As we passed another street a red truck sped down the street towards us. People on foot trailed behind the truck. They were running for safety. “Get down!” I shouted. I put my hand on John’s back, shoved him in front of a parked car and dove to the ground next to him. The car sped by us and a flurry of air enveloped my body. People passed us by, crying. I stood up and looked down the road to see what the crowd was running from. A cluster of these soldiers were moving from house to house forcing people to leave their homes and killing people, who got in their way.

im pretty sure this is just a typo, no comma needed

break up your paragraphs, reread your writing, watch your vocabulary

All right, it was good, though your sentences can flow just a little more then they do.

I'm glad Chattanooga is in there. Chattagnooga is a pretty cool place.

Just keep going, I'll read that and tell you more later.

this was interesting to read and I really liked it.

I couldn't find much to crit.

the only thing I could think of pointing out is:

“What was that?” John asked. “Who cares, lets just play.”

Whoa! Before you post things on YWS, please break it up into paragraphs. It makes it look less like a menacing wall of text and more like... a story.

PM once you've made this more readable, and I'll critique!

- Camille