White Demons Chapter 1

Hmmm.... very intruiging...

I think Kafka got all the little nitpicks, so I'll just tell you what I think...

#00BF00 ">1- I'd like it if you described the girl who comes and talks the Temptress... is she just what the Temptress expected? Or something totally different? I don't know, maybe she already knew everything about little human girls, but that isn't the impression I got.

#40BF00 ">2- I didn't really get what the girl meant by "How do you make parts of yourself dissapear." I suppose you mean that the Temptress appeared out of nowhere? In which case I would word it "How do you make yourself appear out of nowhere?" If you meant something else, try clarifying because I was confused...

#80BF00 ">3- Ermmm... was she supposed to talk like Yoda at parts XD hehehehehe... An issue that is not. Point it out, I thought I would.

#BFBF00 ">4- Well... the whole chiller faunt thing? Look, personally, I think that literature should not be dependent on the font it is typed in, or a variety of fonts, or whatever. I would just describe her voice. Describe the little girl's face when she hears it a bit more. And put her words in quotes... I mean, I guess you don't have to, but technically that would be, you know, more correct and professional way and all... what I would do... but whatever.

#FFBF00 ">
5- Okie dai, I guess that's it... I like this intro a lot. It is sort of like a prologue, but I don't know what the rest of your chapters are going to be like... so yeah.

I hope this helped!

--
Tabby

Skorpionne wrote:-The Temptress-

My new shape fits me well. Like a glove. #FF0000 ">Nice analogy. I wiggle my fingers experimentally, and laugh as they do what they should. #FF0000 ">"Do what they should" is a bit generic...could you think of another way of saying this? For some reason I think an analogy to a puppet would fit well here, but it's completely up to you.
Laughing. It is a new sensation for me. It is strange, but not unpleasant. I laugh again, harder this time, and twirl out into the falling snow #FF0000 ">This latter part of the sentence is somewhat confusing, because "twirl out" is not a phrase too familiar to most readers.. I have no shoes on; my feet are covered only by thin tights, but everything sting of cold is a new pleasure for me, and I do not hold back. #FF0000 ">What's the "everything" doing there? It should be "the" instead. Also, "new pleasure" sounds too much like "new sensation," and for this reason sounds somewhat strange.
The girl has seen me. I can feel her gaze. Thus comes the fish to the bait. #FF0000 ">Eerie! She takes a step closer, and I shiver in anticipation. She isn't far now. Three steps away. I twirl even harder, making #FF0000 ">Not sure I like the word "making." the blood rush to my fingertips.
"Excuse me?"
I pay no attention at first, seemingly ignoring her. #FF0000 ">"Seemingly?" Usually someone is either ignoring someone or not.
"Hello?"
Yes?
She startles #FF0000 ">is startled at the sound of my voic#FF0000 ">e. I wish I could change it as I #FF0000 ">can change my appearance. #FF0000 ">Expand on this thought a little, perhaps?
Can I help you?
Hmm. Maybe that was too prim? I have no knowledge in the language of little girls. #FF0000 ">Nice. Too formal it may have been, but it does the job, for the girl puts her thoughts into words.
"How do you do that?"
Do what?
"Make parts of you dissapear. How do you do it? Can you teach me?" #FF0000 ">I don't know. Would she be a little more frightened of this attribute than curious?
Her eyes are flecked with crimson. She is half-quelled. Interesting. #FF0000 ">Again, eerie.
The Queen taught me. She'll teach you as well, if you go in#FF0000 ">to the forest, then go with #FF0000 ">"And find" instead of "then go with." the Knight.
"Oh." Her face puckers with dissapointment. "Mother says that people who go in the forest die."
You'd only have to stay alive for a tiny while #FF0000 ">"Tiny" while? Sounds very odd. How about just "little?". Then the Knight will protect you. Will you go? Please? #FF0000 ">Now it's the MC who's pleading?
She doesn't think to ask if she will see her family again. That is part of the enchantment. She will not miss her family, or her friends, or indeed anyone in this pathetically small village. And she will never see them again. #FF0000 ">*shivers*
"I'll go. Why not?" #FF0000 ">Whoa. The enchantment worked really fast.
Why not indeed.

Well, I'm hooked despite the fact, that this too was a bit short like the prologue. Still, it seems like a good starter to me seeing as I want to know more about the story