Her death began with a touch,
A push,
A shove,
An uncaring caress.
Or perhaps a little before?
With a racing heart,
And a beating breast?
Or maybe with terror.
Creeping, yet vast,
Holding her back,
Yet letting Death pass.
But why and when?
Meaningless.
What matters is the how.
The way she flew,
Then lay to rest,
Upon the concrete floor.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
I gnore the top comment. Do not ellaborate on this because I think that you will lose the poem's great mystery. Unveiling only what we need to know to create the poems effect is used amazingly well in this poem. I loved it. Especially the hard line at the bottom.
Hey!! You're SOO talented!! :}
Hey, I quite liked this. It did feel a little incomplete to me, a bit unfinished. I don't really mind the vagueness of it, although perhaps just a little more detail would finish it off. The rhyming was pretty good in my opinion, although at times it felt forced. The first line was a good hook, but I'm not quite sure about the "uncaring caress" part?
Overall, good job!
I definitely enjoyed this. I especially liked the beginning:
I'm not sure how I feel about the rhyme scheme....I don't usually write poems that rhyme, and don't prefer them. You've done this allright, but I guess I'd prefer either rhyming or not, not something in between. But seriously, I'm not one to talk!
I don't like this part quite as much:
I guess I wouldn't have made it rhyme.
I enjoyed the ending, although you might add a little bit more. It feels slightly incomplete.
This may not be your style, and it's just an aesthetic suggestion, but I wonder if it would look nicer if you didn't capitalize the beginning of each line. Someone taught that to me not long ago, and I've preferred it ever since.
Anyway, I like what you've done with this. I enjoyed the vagueness of it. Thinking about titles, you could come up with something slightly mysterious that adds to the poem instead of just repeating what is in it. What I mean is a title like: "The Queen" or "Annabelle." Something to give the reader one more tidbit. If you know in your mind who the character is, maybe hint at it in the title.
Great job!!!
Sarebear
I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. It's interesting- the language itself is interesting, the rhythm, the shadows of a rhyme scheme hidden in there- I think I like it.
In fact, I've decided. I really liked it. Great piece- I think that maybe you could elaborate on the back-story if you wanted to, but it's really not necessary. Nice job.
-Coral-