I didn’t realize it until tonight, that every bad guy in every dream I’ve had since that night, has shared the same face. Yours. The same jaw line, the same hair, the same weepy lost eyes that told me everything would be fine, the fingers that hushed my lips, the ribs that broke my own, made me compliant. You stole from me, robbed my body blind, sly little thief in the night. You made me what I am, each deep red kiss permanently etched in my skin, every toilet bowl filled with my insides, every dinner cut short by a glance in the mirror. You prince of lies, you king of rats, I told, I told everyone, let your sins trickle from my mouth. I fought Death, Death bargained me, a life for a life. I gave up what I had before you, tossed it down the drain, filled back up with dirty dishwater. Untouchable to broken hands, unkissable by glass teeth, I was always snow white, you took they key from the casket, locked me in clear view.
I think this is pretty good. I agree with the first reviewer when they say your details could be broken up a little more.
The only problem with this is that it reads like a prologue to a novel, rather than short story. Maybe you could add some detail, and give a more satisfying resolution. Otherwise, the writing is good. Good luck.
Hi, skintightgenes! I see you're new around these parts, why no pop over to the welcome mat and say hello :D
As Leahweird says, short does not equal uninteresting, and I think that this is far from boring!
Because this is short, there isn't really much to say in the way of grammar and you don't appear to have any typos. Perhaps one thing you could think of doing, is expanding this. Short stories are sometimes difficult, because you have such a small time frame in which to introduce and get us to know and connect to the characters, so that we can empathise with them as events unfold.
This piece, in terms of imagery has some quite lovely phrases and description, the problem is that we don't really know the person they're applying to. It's like we've being given all of her thoughts, her emotions, her pain, but we don't really know anything about who she actually is.
It raises a lot of questions, who was this girl? What was it that happened to her? What was it that this guy did? Or is this an allergy to something else, not a person but rather the personification of a problem itself? Personally I can see phrases that could relate strongly to someone's struggle with eating disorders, but I don't know if that's just me projecting XD
So I guess with this, I'd like to see more of it! It's like you've got the fleshy part of a story, the emotion, the feeling, the conflict, you're just lacking solid structure and plot, the skeleton if you will, to prop it up ^_^
So yeah! I didn't find this boring at all, and it certainly gave me something to think about at least ;D I hope that I've been of some help to you! If you have any questions about anything I've said, or about YWS in general, feel free to send me a PM or pop over to my wall!
Short does not equal uninteresting, and this piece is far from boring. It does get hard to read at time though. I would recommened breaking up each seperate idea, even if they don't make a proper sentence.
Also, this is just my personal opinion, this "You stole from me, robbed my body blind, sly little thief in the night. "
Might sound better like this. "You stole from me. Robbed my body blind, like a sly little thief in the night." BUt I dpn't want to put words in your mouth, or change your style, so please ignore me if you like.
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