z

Young Writers Society



Belonging

by Sins


That first night went by quite quickly come to think of it. I arrived at Sunset around one o clock, so within a few hours the rest of the kids began coming back from school. Aaron went to pick up the kids from the primary school first. I hadn't really moved much within the two hours, in fact I was still on the sofa with Alex and Zoey. The first to come into the living room were Sophie and Alice. Both ten years old. Twins. Mind you, they're nothing alike. They look alike but they have completely different personalities. Alice is quiet and extremely polite and Sophie... well isn't. I thought there would be more younger kids here but they're the only ones in primary school, not forgetting Alex of course. About half an hour later the older kids began to arrive. Joe and Samantha arrived first, they came in laughing about something, followed by Lucy. Then Bella walked in quietly, staring at me as she passed. She's seventeen years old. Bella hardly ever talks, I don't know why, she just doesn't. I must say that she's a very pretty girl though.

The last to come was Jaimie. Jaimie has got to be the most annoying fifteen year old I have ever met. He came into the living room soaking wet, complaining that his umbrella had broken. It was so funny, so it naturally made me laugh. He didn't like that. So he started to have a go at me but all I could do was laugh. Which got him even angrier.

"It's not funny." Jaimie complained.

"Oh yes it is!" I laughed. After a while I managed to calm down.

"You are so immature." He said annoyed.

"Nice to meet you to." I smiled. Zoey giggled beside me.

"I'm going to do my homework." Mumbled Jaimie.

"Have fun." was my reply. That got me a scowl from Jaimie and another giggle from Zoey. Hayley then came in asking what was wrong with Jaimie. I just smiled. By then Sophie and Alice had put some kind of singing game for the playstation on and were now singing along. They weren't actually that bad but then Hayley had a go and that's when the pain began. I swear she was doing it on purpose but then Zoey said that that was her actual voice. Wow, I thought to myself. I tried to blank out the sound but it was physically impossible. After about five painful, tone deaf minutes Jaimie came running into the room, like some kind of excited puppy wanting to have a go at the game. Oh no! I thought, if Hayley sounded like that then it was literally scary thinking about what Jaimie sounds like. He began to sing some song I'd never heard of, from the sixties apparently. I hate admitting it but he was good. I was quite amazed, that is until Zoey told me that he had weekly singing lessons. I was even more amazed by that, how can you be taught how to sing? You either can sing well or you can't, I don't see how you can be taught. I eventually got bored talking about Jaimie so I asked Zoey "What's up with the adults around here?"

"What do you mean?" she answered.

"They smile all the time." I said sounding worried.

Zoey laughed and said, "They're just trying to seem nice for you."

"Ok, well it's kind of freaky," I replied "They look like mindless zombies!" I imitated the smile that the adults kept giving me which made Zoey laugh again. "You're a nutter!" she smiled.

I didn't sleep much that night, unsurprisingly. I guess I just had too much on my mind. It was a Friday night, so everyone was going to be in the home over the weekend. I was dreading Monday because I was going to start school then. It wouldn't have been so bad, except for the fact I hadn't really been to school properly since I was about thirteen. I did go, just not that often. That night seemed to last forever, it felt like it would never end, so it gave me a lot of time to think. I figured out that night why I felt so relaxed around Alex. Justin. Alex reminded me so much of Justin, my brother. They don't look alike or anything, my brother's got curly blond hair and dark brown eyes, nothing like Alex. I don't look anything like Justin though either. I have got blond hair but I've got light blue eyes. There's just something about Alex and Justin, something similar. The only downside to Alex is that he is Jaimie's brother. I was disappointed when Zoey told me. I'd only been here a day but I was missing Justin and mum so much. It almost feel like they were just figments of my imagination, like they'd never even existed. I just wished I knew where they were. I knew that Jaimie and I wouldn't get along from the second I met him, we're just completely different. I can't blame myself though, after all, he is the most boring teenager I have ever met. He finds reading fun. Reading! All in all he's alright, just really annoying. Loads of things were racing through my mind but the one thing I couldn't get my mind off was Zoey. I don't know what it was about her, she just made me feel safe, happy. Come to think of it, she made me feel like I fitted in better, like I belonged. Zoey hasn't had it easy though,I remember her telling me that night that her dad had died when she was young, although she didn't mention her mum that night. I could have asked about Jaimie but then I would have had to act interested, so I didn't. When Zoey was telling me about her father I could see in her eyes that she wanted to know about me but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I really wanted to but I simply couldn't, mostly because I didn't know how she would react. I was so different to everyone here. They were so much more well behaved and polite than the area I came from. Thinking about it they wouldn't last five minutes from were I came from, I'm laughing thinking about it now. That night passed slowly but the weekend was gone within the blink of an eye.

I was so nervous that Monday. I'd gotten used to Sunset and the people inside but I honestly didn't know what to expect in school. It was out of my comfort zone. I put on my school uniform which included a red and black stripped tie a white shirt and black trousers. It was September at the time so it was reasonably warm outside so I didn't bother to wear a jumper. The comprehensive school is about a fifteen minute walk from Sunset, so it didn't take to long to arrive. Jaimie was complaining, of course, on the way.

"We're going to be late." He complained gritting his teeth.

"Chill out dude," I answered, " I thought school started at half past?"

"It does." Zoey smiled rolling her eyes.

"It's quarter past though and we've been already been walking for ten minutes." I said.

" Yes, which means we'll get there at twenty past." Jaimie explained.

"Well done, you're good at maths."

"You're not funny you know and yes, I am in fact, extremely good at maths."

This made me laugh. He said this as if he was so proud of himself. Apparently the uniform was quite strict so Jaimie and Zoey were dressed really smart but I on the other hand wasn't. It's not that the uniform is awful it's just that I don't like the shoes you have to wear, or the fact that you aren't even aloud to spike your hair up or anything. Or that you aren't aloud to wear jewellery and you have to wear your tie so high that it more or less suffocates you. Okay, I guess the school uniform is awful. You have to wear plain black shoes, so I purposely decided to wear my red and white converse. I had an earring in my left ear, my hair was spiked and my tie was loose. I basically did the opposite of what you were supposed to do. Jaimie, of course, didn't agree with this so he started rambling on about how messy I looked. I don't think he realized that I wasn't listening to a word he was saying. As I got closer I began to feel the same feeling I felt when I was in the car on the way to Sunset.

The school was a surprisingly modern building. I expected it to be an old building but it was quite the opposite. Just like the rest of Buckingham, everything was in it's place. From the outside, the school didn't look that big but when we got inside it was a different story. The hallways were endless and it was as if the school kept growing whenever I turned around. I was so amazed by the building that I didn't notice the man that I would soon bump into.

"Sorry mate," I smiled still amazed by the school.

The man turned around to face me. "Who are you?" He growled, raising his eyebrow.

I say this because he has the worst mono-brow I have seen in my entire life. I noticed Zoey looking at me worried. "Dougie." I said still smiling.

"Surname?" He asked as if I was stupid.

"Why?" I asked.

"Don't you dare question me!" He announced raising his voice.

"Whoa, calm down and it's Dougie Parker by the way."

"Parker." He mumbled. And that's when I decided I hated that man. Simply because that's exactly what David used to call me. He looked up and down at me, sighed and left.

"Bloody hell, what's wrong with him?" I laughed.

"You don't want to get on the wrong side of Adam Evans, trust me." Zoey said seriously.

"He seems like a nice man." I joked. " Does he teach any of our classes?"

"Yes, we've got him now in fact." Zoey announced, still serious.

"This'll be interesting." said Jaimie under his breath.

Mr. Evans, or Adam as I like to call him, came into the class automatically glaring at me. He told everyone to sit down and the whole class followed his order like robots.

"Mr. Parker," he announced. " You look extremely dishevelled."

"What?" I asked confused.

"What part of that do you not understand?" He bellowed.

"Ummm... the dishevelled part," I turned to Zoey "Is that even a word?" The class began to giggle. Adams eyes widened with anger.

"Don't you dare try being funny with me!" He was shouting by now.

"Seriously, that ain't a word mate." I argued.

"It means untidy." Zoey whispered behind me.

"Well, why didn't you say that in the first place, that way people would know what you're talking about." I giggled looking at him, well his mono-brow. The class started giggling again. " That is it." Adam shouted, "Get out of my class, you are far from immaculate."

"See! no human being can possibly know what that means!" I laughed. By now the whole class was laughing, well, everyone except Jaimie of course.

"Out!" He shouted louder than ever.

"Calm down Adam!" I laughed.

When I got sent out some old woman, a teacher I assumed, came and took me into what seemed to be her classroom. She started speaking to me about behaviour or something, so I honestly explained that I didn't understand what Adam was saying and that it technically wasn't my fault. Big mistake. That got her even angrier with me. After she finished talking with me she had a 'private' word with Adam. They were whispering to each other, occasionally turning to look at me. I rolled my eyes and began to look around the room. I could tell it was an English classroom because on the walls there were poems that children had written and a table filled with books about Shakespeare or something. I got bored of looking around the classroom, so I tried to listen to what the teachers were saying. I could only make out a few words. "He's... yes... problem... Essex...not surprising... he called me Adam." I chuckled at this. After five minutes they finally walked towards me, glaring at me as if I had two heads. They began talking to me and apparently I was supposed to start behaving. Like that was going to happen. When we got home that day Jaimie literally ran to Hayley and told her all about the incident in maths. I was sitting in the living room with Zoey and Joe when Jaimie walked in smiling proudly with Hayley behind him. Aaron had gone to pick up the primary school kids.

"Can I have a word please Dougie?" Hayley sighed.

"Thanks mate." I mumbled sarcastically as I passed Jaimie.

"No problem." He snickered.

Hayley led me into her office and sat down at her desk. She asked me if what Jaimie had said was true, so I answered honestly and said yes. She sighed and began asking me if I was okay and that if there was something wrong, I could tell her. That's the problem with social workers, if you do one thing wrong they assume you're depressed about something. That's when I got bored of listening to her, so I began fiddling with the papers on her desk.

"Dougie, are you listening to me?" She asked.

"What?" I mumbled, still interested in what was on her desk. I looked up at her and she sighed before once again giving me 'the look'. What she was saying made me think. I didn't really know why I messed about in maths, I never acted like that in my old school. Messing about made me feel, well... happy. I knew it shouldn't but I couldn't help it. This worried me. I began feeling confused and nervous again. All of a sudden I felt really down.

"Can I go now?" I complained.

"Fine." Hayley sighed still giving me 'the look'. As I reached the door Hayley said "Dougie, are you sure you're okay?"

"Ummm... ye." I lied. Right then I wasn't okay.

In fact I was far from it.


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Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:29 pm
Musicaloo7311 wrote a review...



Hiya, Megan! Music's back again, as requested! :)


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

That first night went by quite quickly, come to think of it. I arrived at Sunset around one o clock, so within a few hours, the rest of the kids began coming back from school. Aaron went to pick up the kids from the primary school first. I hadn't [s]really[/s] moved much within the two hours[s],[/s]; in fact, I was still on the sofa with Alex and Zoey.
Darling, you're having some trouble with your punctuation. Look at this for help on that. Your commas and when to use semicolons are your main problems. :)

New paragraph. The first to come into the living room were Sophie and Alice. Both ten years old. Twins[s]. Mind you,[/s] , but they're nothing alike. They look [s]alike[/s] like each other, but they have completely different personalities. Alice is quiet and extremely polite, and Sophie... well, isn't.

Another paragraph. I thought there would be more younger kids here, but they're the only ones in primary school, not forgetting Alex, of course. About half an hour later, the older kids began to arrive. Joe and Samantha arrived first, [s]they came in[/s]entering while laughing about something, followed by Lucy. Then Bella walked in quietly, staring at me as she passed. She's seventeen years old. Bella hardly ever talks, I don't know why, she just doesn't. I must say that she's a very pretty girl, though.


He didn't like that[s]. S[/s], so he started to have a go at me, but all I could do was laugh[s]. W[/s], which got him even angrier.


"It's not funny[s].[/s]," Jaimie complained.
Oh, dear! Punctuation in dialogue problems! I referred you to it in Chapter 1, but I'll post the thread again. Please go through it! Click it!


"Oh, yes it is!" I laughed. After a while, I managed to calm down.


"You are so immature[s]." H[/s]," he said, annoyed.


"Nice to meet you, too." I smiled. Zoey giggled beside me.


Hayley then came in, asking what was wrong with Jaimie. I just smiled.

New paragraph. By then, Sophie and Alice had put some kind of singing game for the [s]playstation[/s] Play Station on and were now singing along. They weren't actually that bad, but then Hayley had a go and that's when the pain began. I swear she was doing it on purpose, but then Zoey said that [s]that[/s]it was her actual voice.

New paragraph. Wow, I thought to myself. I tried to [s]blank[/s]tune out the sound, but it was physically impossible. After about five painful, tone deaf minutes, Jaimie came running into the room, like some kind of excited puppy wanting to have a go at the game.

Start another here. Oh, no! I thought, if Hayley sounded like that, then it was literally scary thinking about what Jaimie sounds like. He began to sing some song I'd never heard of, from the sixties, apparently. I hate admitting it, but he was good. I was quite amazed, that is until Zoey told me that he had weekly singing lessons. I was even more amazed by that[s],[/s]; how can you be taught how to sing? You either can sing well or you can't[s],[/s]; I don't see how you can be taught.

And another here. I eventually got bored talking about Jaimie, so I asked Zoey, "What's up with the adults around here?"


"They smile all the time[s].[/s]," I said, sounding worried.


I'd only been here a day but I was missing Justin and [s]m[/s]Mum so much.
Mum is capitalized because their is no article or possessive pronoun in front of the word. Therefore, you treat it like you would treat "Justin".


Darling, you had many more mistakes in your grammar! I didn't want to waste time correcting each one, so how about you take the advice I'm about to give you, carefully look over your draft, and revise, okay? :wink:

:arrow: Punctuation:
One of your main problems. You need to be sure to properly punctuate your dialogue. Please look over the link I gave you on that. Another problem you have is with commas. You left out many that were needed, especially your interrupters. Look at the other link for more information on those!

:arrow: Info dumps: You tended to lump a lot of sentences together that weren't necessary to put together, my darling! Make sure you space when necessary. If there's more than, let's say, 6 lines of text in one paragraph- especially if they're on different subjects- please hit the enter/return button!

:arrow: Character thoughts: If you tag a thought with "I thought," or something similar, put the thought in italics. It's easier on the reader's eyes and more clarified.


Language Usage: As I noted in Chapter 1, your writing style is a little immature. Eliminate the words you use to often: really, actually, and then. Not saying you can't have it once, but when you use them a lot, they tend to "dumb" the writing down a bit.

Also, you got a bit repetitive as to what you were saying. And, dear, please don't say "mind you" too much! You've used it countless times between the two chapters!
As Inigo Montoya once said- "You keep using that word/those words. I do not think it/they means/mean what you think it/they means/mean." :wink:

By the way, you kept jumping from "tell" to "show" and changed tenses quite frequently! Make up your mind, girl!

Imagery & Emotion: I saw near to none in this. A reader should be able to experience the things as they happen along with the reader. So, please, add some more descriptions! It'll help improve your writing a lot!


Characters: You introduced a few more. I started to see a bit more of your narrator, whose name escapes me. Dougie. Ah, yes.
A note on Jaimie: He seems bland and a bit all over the place, as if you jumped from one personality to the next. Be sure you're able to define the guy, because you confused the reader.


Plot: The continuity did all right. I think you could use a bit of work on your "flow", though.

You have some things to improve on, but this could turn out all right! Keep writing, my darling!

Love,
Music





"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore