Hey, Megan! I'm Music. Nice to meet you. 
Grammar:
[s]No meaning[/s] Not a meaning, just a word. To some people, it's where they live, to others, it's where they belong, but to me, it's nothing. I'd never have thought that I'd be here five years from now. It feels like only yesterday I was home with [s]mum[/s] Mum, Justin and David.
Okay, darling. You're having some trouble with those commas! And that capitalization [with Mum]. Check out this article for help.
The robots here would probably think my name's weird let alone me.
Whaaat? Robots?
I remember thinking how different it would be here. In [s]F[/s]fact, I remember the day I came here perfectly.
It was raining, the sky was dark, and everything just seemed so pointless.
Hey, why don't you try, Rain was falling from the dark sky, and everything seemed pointless.
It was quiet on the way in the car[s],[/s]; I didn't say anything, and Hayley didn't say much, either.
"Nearly there," Hayley [s]announced as she broke the silence.[/s] announced, breaking the silence.
"Great[s]![/s]," I mumbled with a sarcastic smile.
If you mumble something, it usually wouldn't be punctuated with an exclamation point.
As I stared out of the cold, hard [s]window[/s]glass (You just used window) , I was amazed by the grand buildings that stood before me.
We turned the last corner of many, and that was the first time I saw it. It was ten times the size of my old place in Essex. It seemed so amazing at the time. There were six great windows facing the front of the house. The top ones, I assumed, were bedrooms. The bricks of the house were old, yet they were organised into straight, well-formed lines. In between the bottom windows was the door. The red door. The paint on the door had worn slightly, but that seemed to suit the old building. Everything looked so in place. That's one thing I've noticed about Buckingham, there's a place for everything. Tense change! Keep it in past tense, darling. At that moment, it felt like there was a place for everything, everything except for me. I sighed at this thought, which got me another pitiful look from Hayley. As I stepped slowly out of the car, I noticed that there wasn't a leaf out of place or a blade of grass that wasn't green. At least it's stopped raining, I thought as I walked towards the fairytale-like house. Hayley strolled beside me, smiling. I don't think I'[s]ve[/s]d ever seen her when she[s]'s not[/s]wasn't smiling[s], let alone frowning[/s]. As we got closer to the door, I read the sign on the porch: [s]'[/s]Sunset care home[s]'[/s].
I then realized the sentence underneath that read: [s]'[/s]Where anyone is welcome[s]'[/s]. I gave a small chuckle at this. I don't really know why, it just seemed appropriate at the time I guess. Mind you, I wished I hadn't, because I turned to see Hayley giving me [s]'[/s]the look[s]'[/s]. I rolled my eyes. As I stepped into the building, a sudden feeling of warmth ran through my body.
"Whatever," I mumbled [s]once more[/s].
She hadn't spoken in a while, so there's no need for the "once more".
There were chairs lined up against the wall, but I didn't really feel like sitting down at that moment. I gazed around the tidy room and noticed how similar it was on the inside as it was on the outside. The house was exactly as I'd expected. The only difference was the way it made me feel. I'd expected to feel a lot more uncomfortable, but to be honest, I felt quite the opposite. I shuddered at the thought of me actually being happy here.
Start a new paragraph here. After what seemed like hours, Hayley returned, smiling, of course, and asked if I wanted something to eat. I answered with a simple no, realizing that I probably looked [s]really[/s] pathetic.
Another paragraph. You had such a large one that it was an info dump, my darling! She began to show me around the house, and the more she showed me, the bigger the house seemed to get. She guided me through all the rooms cheerfully. I tried to act interested, but I don't think I was exactly [s]that[/s] encouraging. I did try to [s]be interested[/s] seem intrigued, but I just couldn't. All I really wanted was for her to leave me alone.
And another. Hayley showed me my bedroom, which was next to one of the many bathrooms. I was going to be sharing a room with two other kids, so there were three neat, single beds in the room, an oak desk with a rather modern computer on top, a few oak wardrobes in the corner of the room, and one of the grand windows in the pale blue wall at the end of the room. I hated to admit it, but it's actually a nice room. [s]That[/s]It actually managed to catch a small amount of my interest [s]at least[/s]. As we walked back down the carpeted stairs, a man [s]was[/s] stood at the bottom.
Okay, darling. That was one very large paragraph! Make sure you break it up a bit more in the future, okay?
"Hey," he smiled.
Instead of correcting any future dialogue mistakes, I'll refer you to this article on Dialogue Punctuation, my darling.
I guessed it was to make me feel more comfortable, but all it did was get on my nerves.
Aaron[s]'s[/s] was your average-looking man[s],[/s]: brown hair, brown eyes, about six foot, and whatever.
New paragraph. After this, Hayley finally left me alone, so I decided to go into the living room, one of the many rooms she had shown me. There was a young boy on the sofa. Hayley said all the kids were in school, but there were some home to revise or something[s],[/s]; I [s]wasn't really[/s] hadn't been paying attention. [s]listening.[/s] The boy looked too young [s]though[/s] to be in comprehensive school[s].[/s], though.
"Hello," he answered in a sweet voice, turning to face me. "I'm Alex[s],".[/s]."
Alex [s]is[/s]was clever for a six year old boy.
What? How would she know upon meeting him? You need to decide whether the narrator is telling or showing the story. So far, she'd been showing, but you just switched to telling. I'd scratch this entire paragraph...
[s]To be honest he's probably smarter than me, mind you I'm not exactly what you'd call 'smart'. He has kind of gingery blond coloured hair which matches his pixie like features. He has what you'd call grayish blue, innocent eyes and the cheekiest smile I've ever seen.[/s]
"What's your name, then?" he asked in his smooth voice, looking at me with interest.
[/quote]"Dougie[s].[/s]," I answered, still looking at him.
New paragraph. When I said this, his face seemed to light up[s], which was led by him saying,[/s], and he said, "That's a cool name."
I turned to the T.V screen and [s]I[/s] realised that Alex was watching some kind of documentary on sea creatures. He seemed really into the programme, but it didn't exactly excite me. After about ten minutes, I noticed that there was someone at the living room door. I didn't bother turning to look [s]at the door[/s], but I could hear people talking. I could tell that the one of them was Hayley, but I didn't recognize the second voice. They were whispering, but I could hear them clearly[s],[/s]; I don't think they realised this, though.
"I don't know him, though, and I doubt that will excite him."
"Please, he's a nice looking boy[s]?[/s]," Hayley pleaded.
"He's from Essex, though."
Thanks, I thought sarcastically. Their accents were really starting to get on my nerves, even though I'd only been [s]t[/s]here for an hour. I didn't know how I'd be able cope with their accents[s] around here.[/s]in the future.
By then, I'd figured out that it was one of the other kids, obviously home revising, that Hayley was speaking to. I could tell that it was a girl, who was probably around my age. I noticed her slowly walking into the room. I still hadn't [s]actually[/s] looked at her yet, mostly because I wasn't [s]really[/s] that interested.
New paragraph. But I'm glad I did eventually look at her. I turned and stared. I stared at her perfect features. Naturally blond hair, hypnotising green eyes, and perfectly shaped red lips. She seemed to be staring at me as well. I can't describe her in words[s],[/s]; I can't describe how I was feeling, either, considering it felt as though my head was doing endless amounts of back flips. That's when the world stopped. There was no one else in the whole world except for [s]me and her[/s]her and me. The sound of the T.V gradually disappeared and I completely lost all feeling. It was as if Alex wasn't sitting right next to me, as if I'd forgotten how to speak.
Another. The moment was lost all too soon when the girl suddenly broke the silence by saying a quiet[, "Hello."
"Sorry, I'm not exactly good with people[s].[/s]," she smiled, curving her perfect lips.
"My name[s],[/s]; it's Zoey[s].[/s]," [s]S[/s]she giggled.
"Oh, yeah, I'm Dougie[s]",[/s]." I felt like [s]a right[/s] an idiot. [s]Trust me to mess up like that.[/s]
Can't blame me for thinking that they'd all have posh names, though. As Zoey sat next to me on the sofa, she still seemed to be staring at me. I was facing the T.V., not that I was really paying any attention to it.
"You know," she whispered[s],[/s]. "You have the most beautiful eyes."
And that's when I smiled.
Sweet little ending.
Language Usage: Why, hello there! I think your writing style is still a little young. You tend to overuse the words "really" and "actually", which take away from your style. A few more things to say:
Tenses: Tenses, tenses, tenses! You would switch from past (your main tense) to present, my darling! Settle down and stay on one tense, alright? 
"Tell" vs. "Show": Well, darling, you jumped the horse on this one, too! I thought you were going to "show" (as in the reader follows the narrator while he/she is carrying out the actions) me the story, but about halfway through, you switched to "tell" (example- when you say something about a character you just met that you would have to know more about them to say such a thing) and then back to "show" again! Make sure you keep just one, dear!
Info dumps: You had a few of these. They mostly consisted of combing a few paragraphs that needed to be on their own into one, huge maxi-paragraph, if you will. Make sure you re-read what you've written and seperate the sentences- especially if they have nothing to do with each other!
Imagery & Emotion: My darling, I really didn't know what on Earth was happening! Be sure to include enough imagery and description that the reader knows where the narrator is (unless you intend for that to be a mystery, but I know you don't).
As for emotion, I want more! He's going to a new town! Excitement, nervousness! He arrives! New places! He's bored! Tired! He met the girl of his dreams! Excitement & nervousness once more! We need to know, dear!
Plot: I liked the story line, but I don't get where he was going and why. I'd like to know. Also, I thought your character was a girl for the first half of the story. Just saying.
Be sure to give the reader enough information that he/she knows what is gone (that is, once again, if you want that affect- which I can tell you do).
One more thing: What's with the robots you mentioned in the beginning? You never said anything about them again. Perhaps you were referring to the people being like robots? Make sure what you write is apparent and clear to the reader!
I think with some editing, you could do well! Please look over the two links I referred you to, darling!
Feel free to PM me with any questions or when you post more!
Love,
Music
Points: 890
Reviews: 152
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