Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so this here is a fun piece. I think you've created a good little setting and a couple of good character, but there are some slight issues here, mostly in the start of the story with the flow not working well and some paragraphs needing a bit of rewriting here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I went to the sink and started rubbing my hands together in the falling water and the bubbles from the soft, smooth soap. I walked over to the towel and over heard someone talking to that girl that interupted Jamie and myself talking at the beggining of the day. I couldn't hear it clearly but I knew that there was something going on. They were being very secretive, as if they had something to hide. I took my head round the sharp, cream door frame and saw a face that a child wouldn't forget in a nightmare. It was pale, emotionless and full of dispare. His eyes were bright blue and out-going. He was tall and muscless. I just manidged to catch his name; 'Luke'. I backed back round the corner and started to get my bag and my coat.
Okay...this is an intriguing start here. I think you've done a pretty decent job with bringing attention to a somewhat mysterious situation happening near the protagonist here and then also describing the protagonist sort of going about things and creating this sense of setting. The issue is you've tried to combine both of these and the result is slightly messy cause you don't quite know what to focus on and it sounds like the paragraph is trying to convey too many things at once, so you might want to watch out for that there.
I was walking down to the catine and decided to nip to the loo before starting to eat, not that I had anyone to eat with... So I walked casually to the girls toilets and saw the girl that everyone wants to be exept for me... I kept thinking to myself 'is that so wrong?' But anyway, I saw her and decided to come back later... I stopped outside the girls bathroom and just stared at the bage, brick wall that faced me. Took a breath and walked to the cantine. When I walked in, it seemed as though everyone just stopped... staring at me, even if they didnt know who I was. I stopped in my track and stared back at the whole room for a minute. Blinked my eyes and everything was back to normal, they weren't deadly staring at me.
Okay...this paragraph is a bit confusing here...it doesn't quite seem to convey what it wants to especially at the start. The ending part is fine. I understand just about well enough, but the first bit there has a little bit of an issue. I think you need to be a little clearer as to what exactly is going on there.
"Hey, move up!" Shouted a dark girl from behind me with her dinner tray infront of her.
"Sorry" I mutted and moved out the que. I decided to go out onto the feilds for dinner instead a of being somewhere, where there is loads of people not really staring at me. I walked over into the sun light beeming down on this half of the circle called Earth.
Okayy...this part is the best flowing so far, although there are enough spell mistakes here to mess a bit with reading, so I'd suggest a run through autocorrect for this one. And well, its an interesting choice of words here by our protagonist for the outside, but uhh, its interesting, its something a little different and I like to see that.
Before we moved my best friend, Millie was reading witch-craft books and saying she was a witch... I didn't believe her, who would? Witches are just Mythical creatures in a human form. But anyway when I found somewhere to sit down, I chose a large Oak tree that must have been thousands of years old on the far edge of the bright green feild. I sat up against its history and I pulled out my book that Millie had gave me before I moved away. I had to read it, from the things that she had told me... I was intreeged and wanting to know and experiance it for myself.
Okay...that's fun....the witchcraft thing is a little random but I suppose going outside to just read a book that a friend hyped up for you is a normal enough thing so it works out okay, even though this paragraph is borderline a bit too sudden.
But one thing that Millie told me, is to never force the gift of witch craft upton your self. As I started reading my book instead of eating my dinner, the Jocks of the school decided for the first time to come and play football where Im sitting. I just happend to look up over the top of the pages and see that the guys where running towards me... I gulped and put a peice of plane paper in my book, where I was up to. The last words i read was; 'Look towards to the future and don't look back'. I put the book back into my bag and grabbed the long handle as fast as i could, jogging towards the main building of the school. Gradually slowing down and trying to look slightly normal.
Once again, this is diving right towards the realm of the confusing here. I don't quite know where this one is trying to go. You've got some interesting things happening, its just that too much happens at one time which then leads to a bit of confusion here.
I saw my brother leaning up against his flash new car. While sneeking his arm around this girl's neck. I just couldn't help but giggle to myself and wonder how he has almost manged to get a girlfriend on the first day of this new school! But I guess the only person I have really spoken to is Jamie, I hadn't seen him since this morning when he found my lucky charm. I climed the steps to the main doors and found myself in a conpletly empty coridor... This was strange. Than out of the blu, I heard someone muttering to me, but I couldn't see them...
Okay....so that's interesting, a voice from afar, its a nice touch of mystery and it does add wonderfully to a story...but again, the brother appearing and all of that just doesn't flow well. This overall piece just feels like we are jumping from scene to scene without any real transitions going on.
The day pastsed and it was finally time to go back home and relax. I was waiting by Jimmy's hot, red car, checking my watch every two minutes. Than I heard Jimmy's voice, Finally I can go and kick my shoes off!
"Oh, hey Lexie... What are you doing here?" Asked Jimmy surrounded by his newly found friends...
Okay....and so the school day is over and the random voice is forgotten...well the flow here is something that I am really starting question at this point, cause its just basically not even there at this point.
"It's time to go home?" I said holding my arms out to either side of my body.
"I can't give you a lift home..." said Jimmy. just about to say something...
"What? Oh thanks a bunch Jim!" I said walking off with my hair flowing behind me in the wind. I started walking infront of the cars, so angry that I wanted to get my own back! As I walked outside the school gates I saw Jamie and his so called girlfriend arguing quite badly with their friends surrounding them as if they were im some sort of areana. Jamie walked off towards the forest on top of the hill. I stared for abit and had this strange feeling that I should follow him. So I did. Jamie was abit like me in a strange kind of way, alone, no one to talk to.
Okay...that's maybe the first bit of actual flow we've seen between two points and I am excited. You are doing a decent job here with building up a little bit of mystery about the whereabouts of this brother here and how she feels the need to follow here, so that's quite nicely done.
I followed him for about thirty minutes, than saw him sit down against this tree that had blue markings on it. Like scissor lines on a peice of paper. He had his hair inbetween his fingers and his hands on his forhead, hiding his face.
I grit my teeth and decide to start walking off... "Hey Lexie!" shouted his voice from behind me.
"Erm... Yes Jamie?" I said softly and meaningful.
"Did you follow me?" He shouted putting his hands on his lap.
"I just... I... I mean..." I stutted.
"It's nice to know someone cares about me and I could really do with some company, want to join me?" he said smiling at me with the gleem in his eyes.
"Sure..." I said smiling and walking up towards him. I found out about the past of his family.
Okay...interesting end. We have ourselves a tiny bit of a twist happening there, which is pretty fun to see. I think for the most part, the final part of this came out quite well. The sense of confusion present in quite a few of the initial few paragraphs is missing towards the end.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this is a piece with a lot of potential here. There's some fun characters, some mysterious points being tossed about, it just needs to get a little bit of a rethink to form it clearly into a story here. There's just a few little things that need fixing, but mostly just making this flow a bit smoother and rewording a few sentences.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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