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by SkiWolf

I went to the sink and started rubbing my hands together in the falling water and the bubbles from the soft, smooth soap. I walked over to the towel and over heard someone talking to that girl that interupted Jamie and myself talking at the beggining of the day. I couldn't hear it clearly but I knew that there was something going on. They were being very secretive, as if they had something to hide. I took my head round the sharp, cream door frame and saw a face that a child wouldn't forget in a nightmare. It was pale, emotionless and full of dispare. His eyes were bright blue and out-going. He was tall and muscless. I just manidged to catch his name; 'Luke'. I backed back round the corner and started to get my bag and my coat.

I was walking down to the catine and decided to nip to the loo before starting to eat, not that I had anyone to eat with... So I walked casually to the girls toilets and saw the girl that everyone wants to be exept for me... I kept thinking to myself 'is that so wrong?' But anyway, I saw her and decided to come back later... I stopped outside the girls bathroom and just stared at the bage, brick wall that faced me. Took a breath and walked to the cantine. When I walked in, it seemed as though everyone just stopped... staring at me, even if they didnt know who I was. I stopped in my track and stared back at the whole room for a minute. Blinked my eyes and everything was back to normal, they weren't deadly staring at me.

"Hey, move up!" Shouted a dark girl from behind me with her dinner tray infront of her.

"Sorry" I mutted and moved out the que. I decided to go out onto the feilds for dinner instead a of being somewhere, where there is loads of people not really staring at me. I walked over into the sun light beeming down on this half of the circle called Earth.

Before we moved my best friend, Millie was reading witch-craft books and saying she was a witch... I didn't believe her, who would? Witches are just Mythical creatures in a human form. But anyway when I found somewhere to sit down, I chose a large Oak tree that must have been thousands of years old on the far edge of the bright green feild. I sat up against its history and I pulled out my book that Millie had gave me before I moved away. I had to read it, from the things that she had told me... I was intreeged and wanting to know and experiance it for myself.

But one thing that Millie told me, is to never force the gift of witch craft upton your self. As I started reading my book instead of eating my dinner, the Jocks of the school decided for the first time to come and play football where Im sitting. I just happend to look up over the top of the pages and see that the guys where running towards me... I gulped and put a peice of plane paper in my book, where I was up to. The last words i read was; 'Look towards to the future and don't look back'. I put the book back into my bag and grabbed the long handle as fast as i could, jogging towards the main building of the school. Gradually slowing down and trying to look slightly normal.

I saw my brother leaning up against his flash new car. While sneeking his arm around this girl's neck. I just couldn't help but giggle to myself and wonder how he has almost manged to get a girlfriend on the first day of this new school! But I guess the only person I have really spoken to is Jamie, I hadn't seen him since this morning when he found my lucky charm. I climed the steps to the main doors and found myself in a conpletly empty coridor... This was strange. Than out of the blu, I heard someone muttering to me, but I couldn't see them...

The day pastsed and it was finally time to go back home and relax. I was waiting by Jimmy's hot, red car, checking my watch every two minutes. Than I heard Jimmy's voice, Finally I can go and kick my shoes off!

"Oh, hey Lexie... What are you doing here?" Asked Jimmy surrounded by his newly found friends...

"It's time to go home?" I said holding my arms out to either side of my body.

"I can't give you a lift home..." said Jimmy. just about to say something...

"What? Oh thanks a bunch Jim!" I said walking off with my hair flowing behind me in the wind. I started walking infront of the cars, so angry that I wanted to get my own back! As I walked outside the school gates I saw Jamie and his so called girlfriend arguing quite badly with their friends surrounding them as if they were im some sort of areana. Jamie walked off towards the forest on top of the hill. I stared for abit and had this strange feeling that I should follow him. So I did. Jamie was abit like me in a strange kind of way, alone, no one to talk to.

I followed him for about thirty minutes, than saw him sit down against this tree that had blue markings on it. Like scissor lines on a peice of paper. He had his hair inbetween his fingers and his hands on his forhead, hiding his face.

I grit my teeth and decide to start walking off... "Hey Lexie!" shouted his voice from behind me.

"Erm... Yes Jamie?" I said softly and meaningful.

"Did you follow me?" He shouted putting his hands on his lap.

"I just... I... I mean..." I stutted.

"It's nice to know someone cares about me and I could really do with some company, want to join me?" he said smiling at me with the gleem in his eyes.

"Sure..." I said smiling and walking up towards him. I found out about the past of his family.

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27 Reviews

Points: 1648
Reviews: 27

Sun Mar 11, 2012 3:14 am
Starhunter wrote a review...

I see this is one of your first posts, and I'd like to say firstly welcome to YWS! Good to have you. :)
I liked the way you wrote in first person, using I and me and all that. It really brought Lexie closer, I think, and helped me connect with her better. After reading through your story, I have a few suggestions:

One of the main things I noticed was that sometimes you write in fragments. Just to clarify, fragments are incomplete sentences, meaning ones that are either lacking a subject or a verb. They can't stand alone, because they're incomplete. Here's an example:

While sneeking his arm around this girl's neck.

See? By itself, it makes no sense. What was he doing while sneaking his arm? I know it makes sense if you add in the sentence before it:
I saw my brother leaning up against his flash new car.

but each sentence should stand on its own. You could try combining them like this:
I saw my brother sneaking his arm around his girl's neck while leaning up against his flashy new car.

Or this:
I saw my brother leaning up against his flashy new car and/while (either of those) sneaking his arm around his girl's neck.

Or you could just make them both into separate, full sentences. That way you avoid a fragment, and you still relate the same information.

Another thing I noticed was your spelling. For example, in the first paragraph, I noticed "dispare," which should be "despair", and "muscless" .... did you mean "muscular" or "muscle-less"? It might seem like a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but it can really confuse the reader and stop them from getting into an otherwise great story. (If you need any help, just ask! I know sometimes the computer doesn't catch it...)

Being consistent is good too. I was confused when, partway through the story, you started calling Jamie "Jimmy." Also, being consistent helps readers follow the flow of your story. Most of your story flows nicely from one place to the next- from the canteen to the outdoors to the parking lot- but the beginning of the story is not connected with the rest, and that's confusing. Maybe if you had a sentence or two that connected it with the next paragraph, it would flow better.

Altogether, though, I thought it was a good start. I am interested in Lexie and would like to hear more of her story. It seems that at the end you are leading into Jamie's story, but my advice would be: don't forget about Lexie! We haven't really met her yet either, so you might want to give a little more detail.
Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, just PM me!

Everyone left so I'm turning this into a writing club. Behave.
— LadyBird